Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Cash for Gold

So Tina seen that commercial on the TV where you put all your unwanted, EXTRA jewelry that you got just layin around like under your bed and in the kitchen drawer and you put it in a envelope and then you just MAIL IT OFF to some dude and then the dude look at your shit and then he send you a check for what he gonna TELL YOU the jewelry's worth.  You seen that shit?  That sound like some shit that Shakey would do out his apartment window on a Tuesday night.  I see that commercial all the time when Im watchin Lingo on GSN and EVERYTIME I seen it I always start yellin out loud about who the fuck would be stupid enough to do shit like that?  You ALREADY know!   Tina so dumb sometimes.  She take ALL her jewelry, EVEN Shakey's Grandmoms wedding ring, that she got from suckin ALL them dicks,  she put it all in the envelopes and she drop them in the mailbox the same way that any bitch who inhales as many fumes as her would.  I COULD NOT BELIEVE when she told me that she did this shit.  Maybe I forgot to tell you cause I think it was at the same time that her baby missing so my mind was only focused on that. BUT if you seen the commercials then you seen the people on there all talkin like "I sent in my jewelry and I was able to buy a new house."  They got this one bitch on the commercial talkin how she retire early!!  And THAT'S what Tina thought she was gonna get for her shit.  Tina thinkin she gonna be retiring on that big Salt and Peppa necklace from Claire's at the mall.

Well after me and Tina picked up Shirl at that parenting class that she's doin for Tina we all went over to Tina's and Tina got her check for all that jewelry in the mail and she only got $7.46!  She mailed in TWO envelopes of shit!!! I
 guess them dicks she suckin aint as platinum card as she think. Or they rippin her off.
AND....BEFORE I FORGET....I heard that Fortune went into labor tonight but the baby daddy want her to hold it in and try it make it be the first New Year baby.  He got nerve!   He don't even know Fortune's last name!  But I heard that Fortune might go along with it so they can make some money.  Hey, I called her and told her to hold it in too.  Fortune could use the money.  

Monday, December 29, 2008

I ALMOST made $10 tonight!

You know how yesterday I sent you a picture of that bitch who threw a penny at my head?  WELL, I think someone might have seen that on the internet or something somewhere, but me and Tina was out at the old Albion tonight and this tall, pale bitch lookin like Paris Hilton with no makeup and no money and 40 pounds come up to ME, wavin a dollar bill in my face and say somethin about how if I think a coin hurt when it hit my head then I should feel what it's like to have a TEN DOLLAR BILL shoved up my ASS!!!!! I DON'T EVEN KNOW this bitch.  And right away Tina look at the bitch and Tina say "YOU ain't even GOT NO ten dollar bill!  Show and tell, bitch!  Show and tell!"  She don't stop, she just say it.  But it's true cause that bitch was wavin a ONE dollar bill at me.  I'm just sayin that she was a friend of that bitch who threw a penny at my head and she all yellin how I need to take that bitches picture off of the internet cause they seen it on there.  Why you think people can read my e mails to you?  ANYWAY, This bitches friend startin to get loud, so Tina do what she always do when bitches are startin and she grab her beer bottle real tight with all 6 of her fingers.  AND YOU KNOW that her 6th finger really make her hand look big!  Her hand don't stop!  That bitches friend dropped her dollar on the ground and ran back to givin blow jobs behind the pool stick rack.  Even Tina thought THAT was nasty.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

This is the bitch!

THIS is a picture of that bitch who threw a penny at my head that night at the bar.  I ain't sayin that you should be lookin out for her or throwin nickels or quarters at her head, I'm just sayin that THIS is the bitch.  And she probly dont even KNOW how much it hurt when someone throw a coin at your head when they all drunk.  And I AINT saying that she need to find out, I AINT askin no one to use her as target practice when she just tryin to have a good time at the bar, I'm just saying that this is the bitch.  And the bitch is lucky that Tina wont at the bar that night cause YOU KNOW Tina woulda fucked up that bitches smile.  


IF I TELL YOU NOT to tell then I KNOW that I can trust you NOT to tell especially if tellin would mean that Tina would beat the shit out of me.  Cause she would.  And she has.  But I'M JUST SAYIN that you cannot "show and tell."  This just between me and you and I wouldnt  even be tellin you this right now if Fortune didn't give me that painkiller right before we drank them Hypnotiqs when we was at the bus stop waitin for the N Judah.   Anyway, You know how Tina's apartment always smell like "a extra fresh day".  You know what I mean?  Sometimes her apartment smell like Masingail's. AND I AINT THE ONLY ONE WHO THINKS SO.  I remember we was over there with Julie one time and she said right out loud, "It smell like douche in here".   And I ain't saying that's BAD but her place just got this really nice, clean smell that's OBVIOUSLY coverin up some nasty stench. Just like Masingail's.  Me  and Showcase was even talkin about that the other night when she wasn't throwing up and she told me that Shakey caught Tina up at the laundromat taking out all of the used dryer sheets from out of the dryers and stuffin them in her pocket.   And you know how Shakey think he all what the ladies want and how he all platinum card even though you lucky if he got $12 in his pocket?  And you know how Tina will fuck Shakey any time she see him? Well, they ended up back at Tina's place and Shakey said that Tina's place was a mess but she taped them used dryer sheets to the back of her fan and then turned on the fan so all the scent from the sheets would get sucked out and spread around her apartment.  She don't even know you supposed to use NEW ones when you do that.  That's why her place smell like Masingail's.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Showcase is shady

Remember how I told you how me, Tina, Showcase, and Shirl was going to that bar Boo Boo's on Divis on Christmas Eve because Showcases friend Uni was workin there and she could get us free shots as long as we paid for our beers and bought two burgers?  You SAID you was gonna meet us there and you didn't, but whatever, I'm just sayin that we ordered a lot of beers so we got A LOT  of shots.  And I know that you don't know Showcase that well but YOU KNOW from them couple of times you been out with Showcase that she CANNOT DO shots.  You was with us the night she did shots of all the colors of the rainbow and then she threw up a rainbow on my new sneakers and she STILL ain't paid me for them sneakers she puked on.  But that aint even what I'm talkin about.  I'm just sayin that NEXT YEAR I ain't hangin out with Showcase if she do shots.  Cause she was all drunk, and after the bartender give last call, Showcase invite everyone back to her boyfriends place for a afterparty!!!  And everyone was all into it and yellin "party" and "Woo Woo"  and takin cabs to Showcases boyfriends place and then we get there we find out that that Showcase AIN'T EVEN ALLOWED INTO her boyfriends apartment building cause the security guard dude in the lobby banned her for life because, of course, one night Showcase was with Tina and Tina called the security guard a faggot cause he wouldnt let her smoke in the lobby. Tina need to lay off the faggot thing the same way her momma need to lay off the Jesus.  So we had to sneak into the dudes apartment through a window right off the street while Tina kept look out.  I don't think I like Showcases  boyfriend either cause when Showcase was in the bathroom throwin up, I KNOW I seen him take the bag of catnip and pack some of it in his bowl!   He looked at ME and said like "this is great weed" but I SEEN a cartoon picture of a Siamese Cat on the bag.  If dude don't wanna share his weed he should just NOT share instead of packin a bowl full of shit that just gonna make Showcase puke some more. They shady.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Merry Christinamas

Girl, do you remember that time that me and you and Casey and Tina was in that big park and Tina threw her lit cigarette into that pile of dead leaves and we TOLD HER that she could burn down the park by doin that and then the park burned down and WE TOLD HER that we told her so but she just gave us the finger?  Well you'd THINK that she'd learn her lesson but she don't never stop not learning her lesson.  Cause the other night I was walkin home with Tina after we finished shoppin and shopliftin at Macys and Tina threw her cigarette down on the ground without stompin it out and like a SECOND later this skinny little, ugly little, high voiced, little, ugly....i said ugly twice cause, well, you know she was ugly,  this ugly bitch come up to Tina and get in her face POINTIN that cigarette at Tina and start yellin at Tina how she dont need to be throwin her lit cigarettes on the ground cause that might make all of San Francisco burn down.  She all Drama and shit.   And Tina start to yell "SHOW AND TELL BITCH"  but then she realized that the bitch WAS showin and tellin with that lit cigarette in her face so Tina just grab the cigarette and and put it out on that bitches forehead!!!  It was nasty!  Tina started puttin the cigarette out on the bitches head and switched from "Show and Tell Bitch" to "Hide and Seek Bitch", which is what that bitch did.  She hid.  But I THINK that Tina learned a lesson from that cause today we was out doin our last minute Christmas shoplifting and right before we went into this store Tina took her cigarette and put it into one of them red Salvation Army buckets that they got outside the store to collect donations.  She thought it was a ashtray!!!  She dont know.  She just tryin to have arson awareness but she ended up settin the bucket and all the money on fire.  We ran as fast as we could down to the bar.  It don't stop. 

ANYWAY...Tina got you somethin for Christmas and I don't know if you got HER anything so I'm just sayin that if you DIDNT get her anything then you should just not answer your phone if she calls you today and then go to Walgreens on Friday and get her a Whitmans Sampler or something cause she spent about $9 on your present, which I already know ain't gonna fit you.  (It's a shirt).  Anyway, I need to go to bed cause I'm goin to Mary's for her Christmas Mimosa breakfast and I don't want to be all tired.  Merry Christmas!!!!!!!! 

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Tina bought a car

Please do not sit there reading this actin like you ain't even heard, cause I already heard that you heard and I heard it from two different people, so dont CALL me when you done readin this and say ain't no one already told you.  Can you believe Tina was gonna spraypaint a pigeon green and try to get the reward for that parrot?  Well I can believe it cause I been down at 850 Bryant for 3 hours gettin her out of jail and tryin to convince the lady at the bail window that  that's just how Tina get when she get her period.  I mean I didn't SAY that Tina always spray painting pigeons green, I just said that when she on her period that she always lookin for a quick dollar.  You know how she get.  But what the fuck was she thinkin when she went in the hardware store and ask the guy what kind of paint she should use if she wanted to paint a pigeon from off the street to make it look like a parrot so she could get a reward.  Sometimes she just need to cut her sentence short.  Why she just don't ask for parrot green spraypaint?  She so stupid sometimes.  But she TOLD the dude she wanted to spray paint a pigeon and I guess they got some kind of rule there that when you say you gonna paint a pigeon then they gotta call the police.  Like there ain't bigger crimes goin on at the hardware store.  Shakey could go in there and ask for two pounds of fertilizer, some kerosene and a lighter and no one would ask any questions...cause that's what he did when he blew up Fortune's momma's car.  All I'm sayin is that Shakey didn't go in there and say "I'm gonna blow up Fortune's momma's car, what do I need?"  You know?  The dude at the store probly just thought Shakey was growin some tomatoes, havin a cook out and wanted to light his cigarette.  But you know Tina...she want EVERYONE to see how smart she is.  She don't stop.
Anyway, as soon as I got Tina out of jail she made me take her over to Crystal's place to pick up that car that she bought off of Crystal's brother.  And I TOLD her that no car that cost $400 was gonna be any good and I was RIGHT cause when Tina tried to get the car out of the parkin lot she found out that the car DON'T GO in reverse.  But Crystal's brother didn't tell Tina that, he just said that the car was sold "As Is".  So me and Tina was in the car and Tina was tryin to back out and the car wouldn't do it and she tried for like 15 minutes so she call Crystal's
 brother and ask him like what the fuck and shit and he tell her that the car only go forward and that's why it so cheap.  Tina got PISSED.  And I TRIED to tell her to stay calm since she just got out a jail and all but Tina put the car in forward and drove over that little cement island at Crystal's apartment buildings parking lot and knocked over them new trees they just planted then she rammed into Crystal's brothers car.  She WANTED to ram into it, back up, ram again, back up, ram again, back and ram, back and ram, but she FORGOT that the car don't do back so she just RAM real hard then we just sit there. And then the horn on Crystal's brothers car started honkin and didn't stop and then the horn on the car Tina bought started goin off and YOU KNOW how I hate car horns so I just left.  Did she call you?

Tina try to get a reward

I swear girl, it don't stop!  And sometimes you think it do stop and sit down on a chair and eat some chips, THEN like a minute later your cell phone ringing and it's Tina.  And as soon as you see Tina's name come up, you KNOW that it stopped stoppin.  There it goes.  It don't  NEVER stop for long. 
Well, the other day me and Tina was down havin lunch at Sparky's cause her friend LuLu work there now and she never charge Tina for shit AND she let Tina steal one of  the highchairs for the baby. Now they only got one highchair at Sparky's so you better call your sister and let her know that she can't bring the twins there til they get a new one.  I know she like to go there.  So when we was leaving Tina seen this poster "REWARD $200".  And she ain't had no money since that day she worked at Bibbie's so she thinkin she gonna get rich quick with the reward money. You know Tina.  Did I already tell you this story?   Wit the lost parrot?  I know WHAT I NEED to tell you..........Fortune gonna name her baby Felatio if it a boy.  Tina told me.  And YES i asked Tina if Fortune even knew what it meant. She said she don't care becuase MOST PEOPLE don't know what it mean. And she think it sounds exotic.  Greek or some shit.  For that baby's sake I hope she have a girl.  But me and Tina walked by that reward poster and Tina grabbed it down off the wall and she seen a picture of a parrot on it.  And Tina say real loud "WHO PAY $200 FOR A BIRD!? Show and Tell, bitch!  Show and Tell!"  She always say it twice.  And now she pokes people in the chest when she say it.  She TRIED pokin me and I bent down and bit her finger.  I hate bein poked. Anyway, Tina kept the
 poster and she say she "gonna find the rabbit, I mean parrot."  How is she gonna catch a fuckin parrot?  Alive? 

Shakey got food poisoning from that Chinese steamtable place.  He shit his pants on the Muni.  I just told you that cause now everyone wanna start callin him Stinky. He said he think it was the pork cause that what he could taste the most of when he threw up.  Julie say she aint never been sick from there.  I got sick and I didnt even eat anything.  Hold on.....

SO......hold on

THIS.......fuck, hold on

I KNOW YOU HEARD BY NOW , since I already just got 4 phone calls.  And I know that I should shut down my computer and go get her ass out of jail AGAIN but this is what I mean by when I say sometime's it hard to be Tina's best friend.  Now I gotta go get her and take two busses that hardly even come on Sunday and go to the jail and claim her.  I have to ADMIT to some stranger at the police station that the lady arrested for attempted animal cruelty is my friend.  It don't stop.  She lucky her bail is only $50.  I'll call you later.


You know how when we go out to nice restaurants Tina always steal the bottle of ketchup?  Or she steal the salt and pepper?. Or the napkins?  Or them nutcrackers and little forks that she SAY she got at Target but  that I KNOW she stole from Joe's Crab Shack?.  Or whatever, she a thief.  Well the other night me and Tina was out to dinner at Bus Stop Burger on Divis and I don't know if you been to Bus Stop Burger ever since that night Fortune's sister stabbed your friend but I think they got a new owner now cause they got all these new steak sauces in bottles that they keep on the table. You know how they usally just got A1 and Heinz 57? Well now they got all kinds of shit and they got shit you can't even get at the Safeway.  I aint kiddin.
Well, you know Tina and her giant purse.  They don't stop! Tina wasnt even done half her burger and she already had like 6 of them sauces in her bag INCLUDING the hot sauce which she KNOW I always use.  And you know her rule.  Once she put it in her bag, she dont take it back out. So she make ME get up to get another hot sauce off another table and the MANAGER walk over to me and ask me if I had something wrong with me.  I think he thought I was stealin tips or eatin peoples leftovers cause I DID pick up someones uneaten half a burger off the table but I was just lookin to see what they had on it.  You know I aint gonna eat that shit.  So I put down the burger and told him I just need some hot sauce cause we didnt have none on our table and I was real nice when I said it but he look over at mine and Tinas table and start yellin at Tina about how he KNOW all 13 sauces was there when we sat down!  He didnt ask no questions, he just started yellin at Tina. 
 And you know how Tina dont like to be yelled at.  She spit her burger into her hand and threw it right at the dudes head.  Some of it hit him in the neck but most of it missed and splattered 
on the front window.  So Tina stand up and start yellin "You Got Video??!!  Well SHOW AND TELL bitch", 
and I dont know if I told you but Tina sayin that all the time now.  Everything all "Show and Tell, Show and Tell!"  It dont make no sense a lot of time.  Anyway, we aint allowed back in there no more but Tina did say she wants to have a steak party at her house and she said you could come if you brought some steak.  I'm just sayin its somethin to think about.   

Did Tina send you that recipe?

Did Tina send you that recipe that her mom been usin for that green bean casserole?  Well I hope you didn't make it cause that shit look as nasty as Tina at 2 AM on a Saturday.  Don't tell her I said that either cause she sensative about how she look after the club closes. I'm just sayin that Shirley went to that Christmas thing at Tina's Moms that you weren't invited to and she said Tina's mom made her green bean casserole with three sticks of butter and NO cream of mushroom soup.  And that don't make no sense.  That's just like, green beans swimming in butter with some soggy onion crisps on top of it.  Tina said that her mom makes it like that cause she's lactose intolerant but I told Tina that butter HAS intolerance in it and she didn't believe me.  It don't stop with her.  She said she was gonna send you the recipe, but I'm just sayin.

How you doin with your Christmas shoppin?  Me and Tina went to Target on Friday.  Tina stole a comforter!  That girl can shoplift!  You know she better watch out cause she don't need not one more thing on her record, but that comforter is so nice that I would have stolen one too cept Tina took the last one. .  She said she gonna go back next week and get the cover for it.  Tina told me that if I'm gonna do any shoplifting I should do it durin the holidays cause there's a lot of people in the store and the security can't keep their eye on everyone at the same time so the odds are better.   Sometimes she's smart like that.  All I stole today was a pack of Mentos and I was so scared I pissed myself when I was walking out to the parkig lot.  

What happened to you at DeeDEE's party on Thursday?  You said you were goin out back to throw up and you never came back.  I looked for you in the bushes.  Remember that time at Shakey's when I found you in the bushes?.......With Shakey on top of you.!!!!!!!!!!!!
I watched him doin it to you for like a minute before I said anything.  MMMMMMMM.  You so lucky.  But what happened the other night after you puked?  Did you see Shakey out at the  bushes again?  it ain't my business, but I'm just sayin that you could have said goodnight.  I still got your leftovers in my fridge but I might have to use them tonight if anyone comes over.  IF you know what I mean. 

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

There are people that are on my nerves, then there's Tina.

You know how Tina always get them candy bar cravings and we all gotta stop what we're doin and walk to the corner store with her? Well the other day me and Tina was out at Mary's and Tina said she wanted a Almond Joy.  She REALLY wanted one. Like "I am the only bitch who ever had her period" wanted one. You know how she get.   But you know how Mary dont have a corner store?  It's like a 3 block store.  Three LONG blocks.  That's WHY when you go to Mary's, you stop at the store first, THEN you go to Mary's.   Whenever I go there I make sure I got a flask, Fritos and two packs of cigarettes. 

But the other day I was over with Tina at Mary's and Tina say she need a Almond Joy. She always so specific with her candy bars.  So she make ME walk to the store with her and the whole way there she still goin on about that baby being missing.  THAT'S why I didn't want to go to the store with her.  Cause I KNEW she would. But I had to go cause you know how Tina get if you don't go to the store with her.   So Tina got a Almond Joy and a Yoohoo and when she unwrap the Almond Joy, one of the halves didn't have no almond in it.  It was like one Mound and one Almond Joy. And she freaked.  I know you probabl
y heard.  She went off!  She called the guy at the store a thief, a con, a faggot and a cocksucker.
 And I TOLD her that it was rebundant to call a dude a cocksucker AND a faggot but that girl cannot control her mouth.   And now I don't think we're gonna be allowed back in that store cause I KNOW they got footage of Tina goin off and probably have her picture hangin up behind the counter now.  So now the closest store to Mary's is like 5 blocks away!!  I ain't hangin out at Mary's no more.   I go to Mary's house to chill but I can't chill if Tina keep making me walk to the store.  And that pisses me off cause Mary always has really good weed and a lot of good shows on her TIVO.

Anyway, Tina ended up findin her baby that night after we was at Mary's.  I'm glad that's over, and now Tina can shut the fuck up about it.  I'm just sayin it's good that the baby is safe.  Cause I TOLD Tina that the return rate on babies is about 8%.  You know, just so she wouldnt get her hopes up.  But the police called her and said that the baby was down at the MUNI lost and found.  So me and Tina went down there and there was one section where it was like lost  sweaters and jackets, and then there was the other section with the lost babies.  So first Tina made us stop at the clothes and she did her old lost and found thing and got a real nice black
 Old Navy coat.  Then we went to the Baby lost and found and they had the baby there.  They said it was the only one they had all week.  But that's just like Tina.  The cops said they have footage of some guy pushin the baby onto MUNI at Church and Market but their aint no clear view of his face.  Sounds shady.  Anyway, they gave the baby back to Tina but she gotta go to parenting classes now.  Tina said she gonna ask Shirley if she'll go for her. 

And that coat Tina got at the lost and found gave her scabbies.  It is nasty!  And SHE askin ME to put the cream on her back.  And you know I aint touchin no scabbies.  I did my time.  And that shit don't never stop.  I gotta go.  I promised Tina's mom I'd make my marshmallow sweet potatoes.  I need to get to the Safeway early.

Do NOT tell Shirley!

Well, I KNOW I don't have to tell you how much Tina is on my nerves right now doin nothin but talkin about that missing baby!!  You are so lucky that Tina ain't talkin to you cause if she WAS talking to you she'd be talkin about that missing baby.  She say she 85% sure that it wasn't my fault.  SHE'S IN THE BATHROOM,  snortin up Danilynns college tuition and she wants to say there's a 10 % chance that it's MY fault.  Ain't that just like Tina?  She don't stop.

Before I forget to tell you, I need to tell you, that Julie actually DID end up cuttin that Kanye West cold sore off her lip with a paring knife and now she's trying to sell it on EBAY.  I stopped over her house to get some weed for 
Tina (I pinched a little so I'll smoke you out tomorrow) and you know that coffee table in Julie's house where she always weighs out the weed in front of you? Girl, she had that cold sore sittin right on a little plate on the table.  Ain't that the nastiest shit?  Who gonna buy that?  And now that she cut it off her face it don't even look like Kanye no more.  It just looks like a scab.  On a plate.  With some Glad Wrap covering it. Which reminds me that I
 told Tina what you said about that money for the extensions.  And she
 said she don't owe you no money and if that if you want to get technical about it then Nancy should give you the money.  But you should look up Julie's nasty scab on EBAY.  She wants a minimum of $28.  I guess there's all kinds of people in this world, it don't stop. 

But anyway, me and Tina stopped out for one tonight after we finished looking for her baby and after about three drinks and four trips to the bathroom..(she still "ain't got none" by the way,) Tina told me, (DO NOT REPEAT THIS TO SHIRLEY)  that she want to see what it's like to eat pussy.  And they are HER words and NOT mine.  I swear.  But I'm sure that don't shock you because even though we'd swore we'd never bring it up, we all remember that night at... well, we all made a promise not to bring it up and I keep my word and you know that's how I am. If I put my WORD on somethin then it's written in stone and not ash.  But if she want to start puttin her face in some bitches pussy to get some better coke well good for her.  I just hope her braces don't get in the way and no one gets hurt.  Now she can go down on ANYONE for ANYTHING.  Not that she's gonna share any of it, but that's just the way Tina is.  

Damn girl, I'm ramblin.  I gotta go cause me and Tina are supposed to look for the baby in the morning after we go to breakfast.   She be pissed if I'm late.

You seen Tina's baby?

Well I'm sorry I ain't written in a couple of days but it's hard to send emails when all you do is work and spend hours and hours at the police station wit Tina.  I'm sure you already heard but I'll tell you anyway just so you get the facts and not some fabricated, exagerated tale from Shirley or Julie, who, by the way, has another giant herpes breakout on her lip.  And SHE trying to take the focus off the fact that it's ANOTHER herpes outbreak by sayin that if you look directly into the cold sore you can see a clear image of Kanye West. I took a picture of it wit my cell phone, I'll show you.  I told her she should cut it off wit a paring knife and try to sell it on Ebay or to a medical freak museum.  I heard about places like that.  They got two headed babies in jars.
Anyway, me and Tina went to the Transfer on Tuesday Night and Tina brought the baby cause she knows the bouncer and he lets her bring the baby into the bar.  So she bring the baby in a stroller and YOU KNOW how after Tina has two drinks she in the bathroom every FIVE minutes?
Always sayin how she always has to pee. "My bladder, my bladder".  My ass!   Everyone know she just bein cheap with her shit...  Which is fine cause her shit is as cheap as her fabric softner. Did I tell you about the fabric softner?  Remind me to later if I didn't. Anyway, Tina went in the bathroom to "pee" and I was bored cause someone was playin some song on the jukebox I never heard before, so I went out and had a cigarette.  I didn't think somethin would happen to the baby.  But Tina comes runnin out on the sidewalk screamin like she at church ...."WHERE MY BABY??!!  OH MY BABY!!  WHAT YOU DO WITH MY BABY?" And it aint like she told me I was IN CHARGE of the baby.  I'm lookin at her freakin out and I see she got that BIG white ring around her nose the way she always does when she come out of the bathroom cause that girl NEVER checks herself.  And I wasn't gonna tell her about it but I figured the cops might be comin because of the missing baby.  So I said "Hey Teen...You better wipe your nose... and since we're gonna be up lookin for the baby...do you got any more?"  And that bitch lied right to me and said no.   But whatever, she had to suck dick for that coke.  

So, we went back in the bar and got a shot so we could calm down and Tina asked the bartender if she seen a baby.  But the bartender was in some BITCH ASS mood and start yellin at Tina 
cause she remember the last time Tina lost the baby in the bar.  I didnt think that that's what Tina needed to hear at the time, but I GUESS she deserved it.  So the bartender tell Tina to call 911 but Tina still ain't got no cell phone cause she lost it on that road on the way home from death row on that day you didn't pick her up and the cops still aint given it back to her.  So Tina asks the bartender to call 911 and that bitch said "NO".  She all worried that the bar would get in trouble.  So Tina made ME do it.  And I ain't never called 911 before and it scared me cause you don't know if your call will end up on the TV or the Internet.   But you know if it WAS  on the TV that Tina's Momma would see it and Tina would never be allowed to take the baby to the bar again.  That's just how Tina's mom is.

So I told the 911 lady what happened...how me and Tina was walkin home from church and Tina really needed to use the bathroom so we stepped inside for a second just so Tina could 
pee and then after I bent down to tie my shoe...someone stole the baby.  I told her I did a double knot just so it seemed like it would take more time.  The 911 lady told me they'd send someon
e right out.  DOES THAT SOUND FAMILIAR?  Remember that time Shakey's old girlfriend Fortune stole my coat and I called 911?  They said the SAME THING and it took 11 hours for someone to come.   So I told Tina we should go to Amber to see if Minnie Ginny was there and ask her if she seen the baby.   But as soon as we walk outside there's like 4 cop cars all over!!!!  It's funny how they respond faster to different things. 

Anyways, Tina's baby still missing.  Tina just walkin around screaming "Danilynn!!!!!!  MY BABY!  Danilynn!!!"  I KNOW that baby was still next to the pool table when we were done the 2nd game, but I can't say for sure that she was still there when I went out for that cigarette.  So I really don't know if it's my fault or not.  But the cops said they'd be on the lookout for a baby.  So keep your fingers crossed.  I'm so glad Tina ain't got no phone right now because the last thing I wanna talk about right now is her missing baby.  I gotta go.  I'll let you know if they find Tina's baby.

Did you change your email address?

Girl I asked you this before and now I ask you again... what is wrong with you?  I been writin you all week tellin you how Tina been on death row and how she almost been executed and how she been missin and how that  baby of hers didnt have no momma AND how she still got that lewd conduct charge still against her and you STILL ain't writin or textin or nothin!  Maybe you changed your email or somethin but I hope not cause Tina and her Mom be pissed if all this shit bout Tina  was going to some stranger with your old email address!  And that is NOT somethin I need to be dealin with right now.  Well, since Tina didnt call me from her moms sayin that you called her at her moms after I called you at your moms and left you that message, then I guess you still ain't talked to her.  Right?  Well even though it ain't my business ...
Bibbie fired Tina from the nail salon.  She had to!  It's just like Tina.  I guess that when Tina was on death row she got in  some shit with this bitch named Stew in the cell next to Tina's.  I think Tina had her TV on too loud or something and it was real late, but Stew in the other cell yelled like "Hey Tina.... you need to turn down that fuckin TV".  And you know Tina don't like to be yelled at.  So Tina started screaming at Stew and saying that if she ever got off death row she would come back and kill her.  And that was just on her first night!  Poor Tina.  She never has luck with next door neighbors.
  Which reminds me, I let (J) become my BACKdoor neighbor last night,if you know what I mean,  so now if THAT BITCH is reading this right now all I got to say is "MY ASS!"...and that ain't my ass in the picture cause I aint even gonna have my ass all over the internet.  But anyway, Tina was workin at Bibbie's today doin nails and she seen Stew's sister come in!  But YOU KNOW Tina ain't never seen Stew's sister, and Tina actually only seen Stew ONE time through the meal tray slot in the death row cell door, but you know how Tina get and she had it in her head that this woman comin in to get her nails done was  Stew's sister, if not her TWIN!.!  That's what she said.  HER TWIN!  I told you she been smokin a lot of weed.  Well, you know how at Bibbie's every Monday is all no appointment/first come, first served, givin back to the neighborhood shit? Well, Tina seen Stew's sister come in and told Bibbie and Casey that it was her friend and she wanted to do her nails. And you know how at Bibbie's  they got that real nice soak she do for 10 minutes before she start?  Well, Tina switched out the Bibbie soak and soaked that bitches hand in acid!  Or maybe it was some of that cheap ass fabric she told me about.  All I KNOW is Tina burned off the bitches nails AND her fingerprints. AND she made her cry.  But she never let on like she MEANT to do it, except to Shirley who told Mary who told me but don't tell her I told you.   Everybody else think it was an accident.  But Bibbie still had to fire her cause she said something like that could give her place a bad reputation.  And I guess she got a point.  But Mary said that the lady that Tina burned is  Russian and that Stew is white so it's impossible for them to be identical twins.   Julie called me earlier and said she seen Tina comin out of Domino's and goin into the bar.  And I told Julie that whatever Tina do ain't my business.

I don't care if she eats pizza and drinks Red Bull Bombers ALL DAY the way she likes to.  I ain't Tina's keeper.    Which reminds me, did you get that email I forwarded from Tina's Mom?  She made me send it, even though I told her that you dropped your computer in the bathtub.  That kinda shit gimme nightmares, she need to let up on her Jesus some.  And yes I did forget to tell you....about that NAKED JESUS video on You Tube?  Did you hear about it?  Girl, I think of YOU everytime I watch it and when you see it you will KNOW why!!!!  That's too much.  Well, I'll let you know tomorrow if Tina's gonna go through with puttin Danilynn up for adoption. Did I tell you about that?  Oh yea, I forgot.  Tina said she either gonna put her baby up for adoption or abandon her on the steps of City Hall or something. I'll let you know, if I ain't busy.  I might have plans.

Tina's mom think Tina join a cult

Well... last night Tina's mom seen that CNN documentary about that Jonestown thing from in the 70s and NOW Tina's mom think Tina in a cult.  That's why I always say I'm sick of the TV!  Cause Tina's mom always watchin it and think she got some new disease or that her daughter joined a cult.  Someone need to get up on her roof and disconnect her Dish Network.  I bet Shakey would do it. You know he would!   But Mary called me tonight and said Tina's mom been calling her ALL DAY  and shoutin about Kool Aid and chickens!  I know Tina ain't joined no cult cause she ain't got enough money OR skills. Unless she joined a sex cult where she just gotta give up her pussy and suck dick to get free rent.  I don't even know if  there is that kind of cult  but if there is YOU KNOW  that's who got Tina.  I mean, if she's dead right now and layin in a ditch, well I swear to God I AM SORRY..  But everybody know Tina liked to suck dick. I told you that's how she got her sofa, right?   God rest her soul if she's dead and God bless her if there's been a miracle.  Anyway, if Tina IS in a cult, I hope they made her shave her head and eat her extensions cause you know what I thought...I mean THINK...cause we need to be positive... about them extensions.  Which reminds me that i gotta call Reenee about my hair for the Inaguration Party I'm going to in Washington D.C. I already got my tickets and I was SUPPOSED to go with Tina but who knows now.  I don't even know if people that were on death row are allowed to go to an inaguration.  It dont never stop. Hold on....

 I KNEW IT!  All that stuff about the cult was a false alarm cause Shirley just called me and said she seen Tina working at Bibbie's Nail Place on Divis.  That Bibbie is so nice.   Hardly even know Tina and give her a job right off death row.  Giving back to the neighborhood.
  Tina need to call her momma and let her know she ain't in no cult or dead.  Well that's good that Tina ain't dead or tied up cause I'm gonna stab someone if I don't get a good nights sleep.  

Tina went missing

What was the last thing I said to you yesterday?  Well, it was "it's none of my business".  But that ain't what I'm talking about.  I mean the next to last words where I said "maybe you should give Tina a ride".  Girl, what is wrong with you?  Do you know how mad her momma is NOW?!?  Tina is MISSING!  The guards at the prison said that she texted YOU right before they unlocked the gates to set her free and that she seemed real sure that YOU was gonna come and pick her up.  Now she's missing and they found her cell phone on the side of the road and the last thing entered into the cell phone was that text to YOU. Tina's Mom thinks you might have kidnapped her!  She kept yellin about how she KNOWS you picked Tina up from death row cause there ain't no way YOU would deny her daughter bail AND a ride.  I just told her that I ain't talked to you and that my computer is broken, just so you know.  I ain't never felt so lucky about having my car repossessed.  Now I  just take MUNI and I never have to drive people home from death row.  Anyway they say there ain't no other clues about Tina's disappearance and possible murder.  The cops are worried because the area up by the prison ain't really that safe.  Most of the cops in that area work IN the prison and there ain't many watchin the streets.  So there's a chance it's like a serial killer or a snuff film maker.  Poor Tina.  You're supposed to have FUN when you come off death row.  It's just like her.   Oh girl, another DAY! you know?  It don't stop.  Anyway, i know the other day I said that like maybe they SHOULD gas Tina or whatever, but that is a whole different thing from her gettin murdered and left for dead up by death row.  Cause that's not right.  But if she IS still alive I think I might try to have a party or something where you could come and make up some big lie to tell Tina's Mom so she ain't mad at you no more.  Some big lie about how you couldn't help her daughter out when she was on death row.  I'll help you out with it ...but girl you KNOW you owe me one.  Speakin of which Shaky stopped over here before with that good potato casserole.  He needs to enter that shit into a recipe contest if he didn't already get the recipe from a recipe contest.  That shit is so good.  Anyway, I'll let you know if they find Tina's body.  And if she's alive I'll let you know about the party.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Tina's family say they mad at you

Well, you know that I am the LAST person to get involved with something like this cause i got enough stuff goin on in my own life and I don't need to be all over the phone and the computer and what not trying to figure out why everybody so messed up and why they just can't just go to work and stop at the store afterwards and buy somethin to make dinner with.  I don't like to bother no one.  BUT... Tina's brother's wife Nina, you know that one that go to the PTA meetings dressed like she think PTA stands for Pussy, Tits and Ass?  I told her that too!  I let her know it want none of my business but that she was just too nasty to be dressing like that.  But I said it real nice.  Anyway, I seen her at the Safeway today and she told me that Tina's mom is pissed at you cause you didn't answer your phone when Tina called you for bail and that you ain't been to see her on death row yet.  She start yellin at ME right at the Campbell Soups and YOU KNOW I almost picked up one of them cans and threw it at her head.  But I didn't since I can't get thrown out of that store one more time or I'm banned for life.  Cause you remember what happen them two times I got caught shoplifting that birth control and them cigarettes.  And then that time when me and (J)... in case "you know who" reads this....me and (J) was trying to find the bathroom in the back of the Safeway but we couldn't find it and (J) really had to piss cause we drank a bunch of chablis and red bull and he got lost back in the stockroom and couldn't find the bathroom so he went right behind a big crate of Bownty paper towels and pissed on the floor. Did I ever tell you about that?  I meant to.   He was writing his name in piss on the side of the giant crate.  J-E-R... oh I better not write it all out.   Well the store manager caught us back there and started yellin at US the way Nina was yellin at ME today cause Tina's momma's mad YOU ain't been to see Tina on death row yet. Oh, did I tell you?  I don't think I did.  Tina is gettin RELEAESED tomorrow.  They say she is the first person to ever serve 48 hours on death row and then go free. But that's just like her.  Only Tina.  I heard she ain't got no way of gettin  home from jail, so don't answer your phone today cause it's probably Tina looking for a ride.  But the lawyers and the mayor and stuff said all the evidence they had was circumcision and that she only gonna have the lewd conduct charge on her record. And even though Tina's momma's glad that Tina got off death row and that Tina's gonna live, she is STILL mad at you.  Nina mumbled something about Christmas, how you probaly wouldn't be invited, and that you wouldn't even care that it was Tina's first Christmas since jail and death row.  Shirley said hi!   She stopped over here after she stopped at the jail to see Tina on death row.  By the time Shirley got to the jail they already moved Tina over to regular jail so they had lunch in the visitors lounge.  She said Tina never mentioned you.  I don't know, maybe you should give her a ride home.  It ain't my business.  

Now Tina's sister callin me

Well, remember yesterday that i told you how Tina got arrested for verbal assault but ending up gettin the death penalty for murder?   Did I mention that yesterday?    About the murder charge?   I think I started to then I started tellin you the story bout that asshole on the bus yelling about the chickens and the eggs.  Damn.  I knew there was something I forgot to tell you. Probly cause you rushed me off the phone. Anyway, they sayin that they think that Tina did the murder  and that there ain't no one else who coulda done it cause they already went through every other possible suspect and now Tina gonna be put in the gas chamber.  Shirley said that they might even have Tina gassed by Friday but she ain't really sure.  Shirl heard it from a girl whose boyfriend is the brother in law of the brother of the woman who does all the fingerprinting investigations for the department of petty theft at the TJ Maxx. So she's pretty connected.  Now you know I love Tina but at this point, if they gas her then they gas her cause she is on my nerves that much.  And now her sister callin me sayin its my fault for yellin at Tina and makin her go crazy.  I told her sister that Tina was already crazy and that ain't some shit she needs to be layin on me.  Her sister as crazy as she is.   You know,  I was SUPPOSED to do my laundry on Sunday and now it's Wednesday and I still aint done it.  But that's just like her. 

Anyway, we went to DeeDEE's  "art" opening tonight at the bar.  I told you bout that right?  I meant to.   Dee DEE did all these paintings of red sperms swimming in the ocean TOWARD the people on the life boats from the Titanic.  She said it "symbolized" new hope being brought to "life" boats full  of people who were gonna "die" while freezing to death, whatever the fuck that is supposed to mean.   I said it "symbolized" that she smokes a lot of weed. And YOU KNOW I went to her opening  because she said there would be free wine.  And that was true if you got there at exactly 6 o'clock.  At 6:01 it was $8 a glass. DeeDEE is so cheap, she got a one minute open bar.  And you know I wasnt payin $8 for a glass of wine so I just went behind the bar and grabbed 2 bottles of red off the shelf when the bartender wasn't looking.  I didn't care.  I had a corkscrew in my bag.   And don't you wanna poke your eye when you see how she spells her name now?  Remember when she was Dee?  Then DEE.  Shortened to D.  Then she got her boob implants and remember how she tell everyone to call her "Double D".  So then everyone called her Double D but then one of her implants exploded and Shirley told us that if we called her double d it might be in bad taste, referring to her as a boob size she ain't got no more, so we went back to calling her Dee?  She gettin too fancy.  

I seen Tina today!

So I'm walking down 18th Street today right behind that bitch who threw a penny at my head that day at the bar and who do I see WALKING out of the WALGREENS but TINA!!!!  And I ain't seen her FACE TO FACE since that fabric softner burned my skin!   She tellin me over the phone that i got nasty skin and shit.  So I seen her come out of the Walgreens and I yell "HEY.....TINA!!!!  You just buy some of that cheap ass fabric softner?  That shit as cheap as your rent!", which BTW, is free because she don't mind sucking dick for a place to sleep. And she KNOWS that I know that.  But I'm just saying that I called her ass out on the fabric softener .  Well as soon as i said that she start freaking out, she screaming like our girl Casey during a waxing with no Vicodin and wine.  All these people gathering around us holding up their cell phones filming her even before her freakout began.  Because they KNEW!  By the time "cheap ass fabric softner" came out my mouth, people knew two bitches were about to be fighting.  But I don't wanna talk about it.  EXCEPT to say that when she turned around to start freaking out on me her ass wiped out on a banana peel.  I AIN'T KIDDIN. It was like one of them old movies from the 80's.  Right down on her ass.  I started laughin cause it looked funny!!  Girl, if you was there with me we would have fallen down and spit up our Jamba Juice.   But she ain't here to defend herself from the TRUTH so it would be rude to go on about her getting taken away IN HANDCUFFS.  Crying.  With no place for her baby to stay. I ain't saying nuthin except DONT answer your phone cause it might be Tina looking for bail money.  I heard she's calling all around.  But if she does call you, don't tell her i told you already.  Tell her that you seen it on you tube or facialbook.  Or the news.  But that's not why I was writing to you.  So, i gotta go.  Remember, if the caller ID says "jail", don't answer.  

That new fabric softener gimme a rash!

Have you seen that commercial for that stuff called "Anti Monkey Butt Powder"?  Well I ain't seen it either but about two weeks ago Tina told me SHE seen it and I been lookin for it ever since and I STILL ain't never seen no commercial and I been thinking maybe Tina just had a dream about it or imagined it, or just made the shit up the way that she do, or SOMETHING cause I checked Walgreens AND Rite Aid and I couldn't
 find it at neither one of them!!  Even though Tina SWORE that the commercial said  "Available at Rite Aid and Walgreen."   I looked ALL OVER for it.  But you know there ain't no way I'm walkin up to someone workin at the Rite Aid and be like "SCuse me.  You got something called "Anti Monkey Butt POWDER" Girl you know I'm always too stoned to be askin questions like that.  So I just been wanderin around looking for it by the baby POWDERs and over by the Shower to Shower and the soaps and the Neutragina 
and I KNOW they was watchin me on the security cause I could HEAR the cameras movin.   I walked all up and down all the aisles of all them stores for like 45 minutes and when I didnt see no monkey's butt POWDER I got pissed cause I thought it really WAS all a dream that Tina had one afternoon or that she was fuckin with me cause she know I like monkeys. That's just Tina. She don't stop.

 But THIS is the fucked up part... The other day I'm walking by that Chinese steamtable restaurant on 9th Avenue that always got them skinny little dead chickens hanging in their window, and all the sudden I realized that I ain't never checked the aisle in Rite Aid where they got the Gold Bond Medicated POWDER.  Cause you know the Gold Bond POWDER is always by the anti itch CREAMS like Lanicaid and Neosporin and NOT next to the POWDERS like Shower to Shower or the Johnson and Johnson.  It's right by the Benadryl.  It makes some sense but I just think that all the POWDERS should be with all the other POWDERS.
Anyway, I had some chicken at that  place on 9th and dont NEVER let Julie talk you into goin there. She always sayin how it's the best steamtable in the city but I  spit a lot of that shit out
 cause the chicken tasted like a cheap hot dog.  AND because I seen a roach!  And YOU KNOW roaches make me scream and not pay.   Which I did!  I screamed all the way to 6th Ave.  But I'm just sayin that  I took the N Judah  to Walgreens and they had the monkey butt shit right next to the Gold Bond!!!  I KNEW it.  Sometimes it just takes me longer to figure it out.  That's how I am with math.  Anyway, I ain't tried it yet but it l got the bottle on that shelf in my bathroom.  The bottle got  a picture of a monkey with some big, nasty red ass.  So I think it's for Swamp Ass or somethin. But it's just like a cartoon drawing, they aint got a real monkey's ass.  I don't think they'd be allowed to do that with the advertising because of the animal labor laws. 

Oh, and that new fabric softener that Tina told me about?  It gave me a rash!  And I KNOW that it was the fabric softener and NOT the bottle of red wine that I drank when I was doing my laundry.  My sister said it was probably the sulphites or some shit in the wine but I TOLD her 
that I always had two or three glasses when I do my housework.  I KNOW  it was that fabric softener.  I spilled some on my hand and it burned me like acid.  I could smell my skin cookin.  Now I got a rash all over me from my clean clothes.  And when I told Tina about it she said something like "Well you must just have trashy skin".  She think she all a platinum card cause she got like all 8 steps in the Oil of Olay skin care for face and body series.  I think there's something in that fabric softener that she's able to suck out and put into that crank she make in her basement.   I only had Tina's shit once like 5 years ago and it was like a mix of Comet, Febreeze and Listerine.   I think she might be shady.  Look I gotta go to bed.  Sorry that I went on and never told you what to do about all the blood.  i just talk to you tomorrow. 

 P.S...in case you didnt get it, I made CAPITAL letters when I spelled POWDER in my letter.  You know what I mean?  Julie wanted me to ask you and she said she need it by Tuesday.