Monday, December 22, 2008

That new fabric softener gimme a rash!

Have you seen that commercial for that stuff called "Anti Monkey Butt Powder"?  Well I ain't seen it either but about two weeks ago Tina told me SHE seen it and I been lookin for it ever since and I STILL ain't never seen no commercial and I been thinking maybe Tina just had a dream about it or imagined it, or just made the shit up the way that she do, or SOMETHING cause I checked Walgreens AND Rite Aid and I couldn't
 find it at neither one of them!!  Even though Tina SWORE that the commercial said  "Available at Rite Aid and Walgreen."   I looked ALL OVER for it.  But you know there ain't no way I'm walkin up to someone workin at the Rite Aid and be like "SCuse me.  You got something called "Anti Monkey Butt POWDER" Girl you know I'm always too stoned to be askin questions like that.  So I just been wanderin around looking for it by the baby POWDERs and over by the Shower to Shower and the soaps and the Neutragina 
and I KNOW they was watchin me on the security cause I could HEAR the cameras movin.   I walked all up and down all the aisles of all them stores for like 45 minutes and when I didnt see no monkey's butt POWDER I got pissed cause I thought it really WAS all a dream that Tina had one afternoon or that she was fuckin with me cause she know I like monkeys. That's just Tina. She don't stop.

 But THIS is the fucked up part... The other day I'm walking by that Chinese steamtable restaurant on 9th Avenue that always got them skinny little dead chickens hanging in their window, and all the sudden I realized that I ain't never checked the aisle in Rite Aid where they got the Gold Bond Medicated POWDER.  Cause you know the Gold Bond POWDER is always by the anti itch CREAMS like Lanicaid and Neosporin and NOT next to the POWDERS like Shower to Shower or the Johnson and Johnson.  It's right by the Benadryl.  It makes some sense but I just think that all the POWDERS should be with all the other POWDERS.
Anyway, I had some chicken at that  place on 9th and dont NEVER let Julie talk you into goin there. She always sayin how it's the best steamtable in the city but I  spit a lot of that shit out
 cause the chicken tasted like a cheap hot dog.  AND because I seen a roach!  And YOU KNOW roaches make me scream and not pay.   Which I did!  I screamed all the way to 6th Ave.  But I'm just sayin that  I took the N Judah  to Walgreens and they had the monkey butt shit right next to the Gold Bond!!!  I KNEW it.  Sometimes it just takes me longer to figure it out.  That's how I am with math.  Anyway, I ain't tried it yet but it l got the bottle on that shelf in my bathroom.  The bottle got  a picture of a monkey with some big, nasty red ass.  So I think it's for Swamp Ass or somethin. But it's just like a cartoon drawing, they aint got a real monkey's ass.  I don't think they'd be allowed to do that with the advertising because of the animal labor laws. 

Oh, and that new fabric softener that Tina told me about?  It gave me a rash!  And I KNOW that it was the fabric softener and NOT the bottle of red wine that I drank when I was doing my laundry.  My sister said it was probably the sulphites or some shit in the wine but I TOLD her 
that I always had two or three glasses when I do my housework.  I KNOW  it was that fabric softener.  I spilled some on my hand and it burned me like acid.  I could smell my skin cookin.  Now I got a rash all over me from my clean clothes.  And when I told Tina about it she said something like "Well you must just have trashy skin".  She think she all a platinum card cause she got like all 8 steps in the Oil of Olay skin care for face and body series.  I think there's something in that fabric softener that she's able to suck out and put into that crank she make in her basement.   I only had Tina's shit once like 5 years ago and it was like a mix of Comet, Febreeze and Listerine.   I think she might be shady.  Look I gotta go to bed.  Sorry that I went on and never told you what to do about all the blood.  i just talk to you tomorrow. case you didnt get it, I made CAPITAL letters when I spelled POWDER in my letter.  You know what I mean?  Julie wanted me to ask you and she said she need it by Tuesday. 

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