Thursday, March 18, 2010

Here What I Think...

Girl... I just need to tell you that that bitch Tina has yanked my tits THREE two many times and I KNOW you know what I'm talkin about!!! She want to call me and use up 43 minutes of my daytime minutes goin on about shit that got NOTHIN to do with me (AKA...Fortune's brother) but she try to act like it got EVERYTHING to do with me (just cause I fuck him ONE TIME 3 years ago) when it ain't even got nothing to do with me, you know? I don't need to know NOTHING about her shit with Fortune's brother Ikeya, but YOU KNOW she want me to know. She don't stop. Ever. The whole WORLD could stop... like the earth would stop spinnin and then all the sudden just STOP and then cause of gravity and shit all the people be thrown all over the place and all up in the air and caught in the trees or smashed into buildings but Tina still would not stop. That bitch would still be WALKING around and defyin gravity and still spreading shit and disease in her path. She like a zombie. And when she actually do become a zombie... cause it gonna happen... I bet she eat my ass first. I'm just saying that i ain't talking to her til AT LEAST Thursday and you can tell her I said that. As a matter of fact you can tell that bitch I ain't talking to her til Friday.

And you need to call me soon but only call on the weekend cause that BITCH TINA use up all my minutes. I need to go.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Fortune's Baby Flew Away!

I do not know if this made it to the news out there yet but I am sure that it will and I would not be surprised if it make it to the news segment where they show dumb ass people doing stupid ass shit. All I know is that I cannot talk to anymore reporters or answer anymore questions from no one. I got me 2 frozen pizzas and a bottle of Tanquery in the kitchen and I don't even need to leave my apartment. Cause I know as soon as I do there gonna be some reporter IN MY FACE asking me questions about Fortune and why she ever allowed to have a kid.

Anyway, we been havin these piss down rainstorms and there been thunder AND lightning AND hail AND big winds and Tina even don't have no electric in her apartment cause a tree fell on the transformer or some shit. That's what she SAYS, but you know that bitch didn't pay her
bill. Cause I KNOW that she went to Bibbie's on Tuesday and got her finger nails AND her toe nails done and she paid extra for diamond flaked tips. She do this
EVERY winter, then she call people and say "Hey bitch, can I sleep at your place?" And I know that bitch ain't stayin with me. I got all my lights out so she can't tell I'm home. But that ain't even what I'm talkin about.

So Fortune decide that it be a good idea to take her baby for a walk right at the same time the sky was pitch black and ready to storm harder than it did in Wizards of Oz. I swear, I was at my front window and there go Fortune and the baby strollin down the street, that bitch hittin all the bumps in the sidewalk and I seen the baby start bouncin out of the stroller cause she ain't even got it strapped in. So I open my window and I start yellin "Fortune you crazy bitch!! Why the fuck you bring your baby out in the rain for?" And Fortune say "Oh, it's gonna rain?.....Girl you got a umbrella I could use?" So I gave her that giant umbrella we stole from the umbrella bucket at Bus Stop Burger but I SAID to her "Hey Fortune, why don't you take the baby home?" because that's something that someone who THINKS would say. And that bitch tell me that if the baby don't go for a walk in the stroller at 2 O'clock every afternoon then the little bitch is cranky all day. I told her that the baby gonna be MORE cranky if it drown in a flood or get hit by lightning but she didn't care.

Well I ain't back to watching Deal or No Deal for but 5 minutes and then my doorbell ringing and ringing and ringing and I hear "GIRL...THE BABY. HELP ME GET THE BABY!" Yes she did, she said "get" the baby. Which mean that the baby probably ain't in the stroller no more. Or that the baby IS in the stroller but the stroller is floatin down the street. So I run outside...IN THE RAIN...and there Fortune...WITHOUT the Bus Stop Burger umbrella...and she screaming and pointing and running and screaming. And we get down the street and I look up and there Fortunes baby, holding the umbrella and stuck up in a tree. That bitch said it was too hard to carry the umbrella AND push the baby stroller so she make the baby hold the umbrella. They didn't even make it 2 blocks before that baby got swooped up and stuck in that tree in front of the fish store. Girl, there was police and ambulance and news vans andevery nosy bitch in the neighborhood and it was a mess. Fortune just lucky the baby only got minor scratches cause they gonna be watching her ass.

Saturday, January 16, 2010


Girl, you remember that one time we went to the Janet Jackson concert with Tina and the WHOLE TIME Tina keep yelling out "Control!...PLAY CONTROL!" and she don't stop yelling it and no matter what song come on next Tina keep yelling it and the WHOLE TIME she do the Control dance even when Janet was singing "Let's Wait Awhile"? Do you remember how much everybody hate us just cause we standing with Tina? (And I KNOW you do remember cause that's the night YOU pissed your jeans in the parking lot and said it was MY fault.) Anyway, everybody hatin us, tellin Tina to shut the fuck up or they gonna throw beer on her and THEN they throw beer on her and THEN Tina kicked that bitch in her knee and put her down... that night did not stop at all. I ain't been to a concert with Tina since. So it don't make no sense why I called Tina and ask her to go see Avatar with me. Girl, I won 2 free tickets off the radio... 10th caller, hey!...

So me and T are there and right away, even before the lights was turned down, Tina start
yelling about how "big the motherfuckin screen is" and she talkin to EVERYONE around her and she say "you ever seen a screen that big? I AIN'T NEVER SEEN A SCREEN THAT BIG. THAT MOTHERFUCKER GO FLOOR TO THE ROOF!!!!!!!" And I could TELL that not one person around her WANT her to be talking to them and I could tell by the looks on their faces how they KNOW this bitch gonna be loud and ruin their Avatar experience, and them bitches
were not wrong.

So the lights go down and Tina shut up and she start shushin
other people to be quiet (cause she got nerve) and then someone shushed her back and YOU KNOW that Tina ain't even gonna let someone have the last shush so she let out a low "Uhhh Uhhhh" to send them a little warnin. Well I ain't even got to tell you that as soon as that movie start and as soon as that first dude's head pop out of the screen, Tina start standin up and clappin like she at a Chippendale show. She reachin her hands out to the screen and rubbin the dude's face, and poking his eyes and then she pucker up her lips like she kissing him. And everytime she do something she yell "Look girl, I can kiss his lips. Look girl, I can pick his nose." So I just grabbed her and pulled her to her seat and that bitch wasn't down for 45 seconds and she start yelling "Damn Girl, that shit floatin out the screen like that demon that fly out of my TV and go in my bedroom! That just what it looked
like." That's when the people start shushing her again and saying shit about how they pay $15 to see the movie and shut the fuck up. I just told Tina that I was going to get some popcorn and I didn't go back. I end up sittin in the back row on the aisle so I could have some peace. Tina didn't make it too far into the movie before they tell her she got to leave. And I ain't even gonna get into the fit she threw when they told her to go. Mmmmmm.

Monday, January 11, 2010


LOOK... I DON'T CARE what happen last year. I DON'T CARE about none of it. I mean, at the TIME it bottered me but then my new girl Fleece say "Girl, you don't got to care about none of that no more", so I DON'T CARE. Don't care bout all them lies that Tina told on all them different times, don't care whose dick Showcase sucked, and I don't even care if the right baby is with the right mama, as long as ONE baby is with ONE mamma. This is a new YEAR, and I don't know if you know BUT it is a new DECADE and I ain't got no time for no stupid shit in the new decade. And I'm gonna TELL that to Tina if she don't shut the fuck up about her possessed bedroom. Girl, did I tell you this already cause I don't think I did but I think I told it to Showcase but that was face to face. I guess I didn't tell you.
Well the other night Tina rent that scary movie Paratrooper Activity about them people with the possessed bedroom. Or maybe the whole house is possessed. I don't know cause I ain't seen it and I don't WANT to see it because I have SEEN Tina and Shakey's sex tape and THAT is the scariest shit ever caught on film in a bedroom. You seen it? I think it's on the internet. There a version of it on You Tube but they blurred out Shakey's dick... and the toys. Anyway, Teen calls me after she done watching Paralegal Activity and she all SCREAMING into the phone and she like HELP! HELP! And who KNOW what that mean with Tina. I'm just sayin, it could mean that she need a dollar for some lipstick OR that the baby on fire again. So Tina screaming and screaming and then she drop her phone and I still hear her screaming so I lit a cigarette and she STILL screaming, not saying anything about WHY she screaming, so I hung up and called 911 and I said "You need to send someone to Tina's".

Well that bitch smoked some weed and watch that movie ALONE in the DARK and each time she get more scared she hit more on the pipe and by the end of the movie where some shit fly out or something, Tina say that the shit fly OUT of her TV and into her
bedroom. I TOLD HER to get the shit that don't make her paranoid but she say that paranoia is fun. Unless you are ME and you got to call 911 on your crazy friend because she's screaming and won't say why. Well that whacked out huffer grab that baseball bat she got under her sofa and she start screaming and charging into the bedroom swinging that bat around breaking all her lamps and mirrors AND that vase with the dead flowers and the nasty fly water in it. She say she kept swinging the bat til she got the thing trapped in her bedroom closet. That's when she call me screaming and I call 911. Tina SAY that the 911 guys got the demon out but they didn't give her anything for her nerves. Now she think that the demon went in there and had babies and left them in the closet. She don't stop.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

It Positively Got To Be There Overnight

Well as sure as shit falls from your ass, Fortune do something today that make me wonder if all them times she say "Damn girl, so and so fucked my brains out last night", if maybe her brains really do get fucked out of her.  I mean just because that bitch ain't got enough common sense to reach up into the front seat to get a condom out the glove compartment when she gettin some in the backseat, don't mean she can't have enough sense to SAY the right thing when she trying to get her baby back from the Children's Protective Service agents.  It ain't bad enough that I got to pick Tina up at the Greyhound station tomorrow and act like she ain't a lying bitch about the whole Beyonce thing, now I got to help Fortune and her sorry, blind ass get her baby back.  I am serious when I say that I wish she could find a dude to fuck her brains back into her.

Anyway, the Children's Protective Service agents was being REAL NICE and REAL SORRY to Fortune for all the mix up and all the shit that happen when they take HER baby instead of
Tina's baby and they put the whole baby return shit on the fast track and they ask Fortune if she could come down to New Mexico on Friday to pick up the baby.  Well that sightless ass tell them she can't make 
it on Friday and can't they just FED-EX the baby to her on a overnight flight!  How that bitch think a baby could survive a overnight flight in a box? Any SANE person know she need to have the baby sent Same Day Air!  So NOW the Children's Protective Peoples is wondering if Fortune is really fit to have a baby!  I'll get back to you about what happens....Fortune want me to meet at at the bar  at two o'clock and help her figure things out.

Thursday, August 13, 2009


You remember how Fortune used to wear them big thick glasses that make her face look like she got two glass igloos resting on her nose and her eyes look like giant bowling balls shooting out her head?  And you always say "Damn Fortune, I bet you can see through a brick wall with them things!", even though that joke got TIRED after the 87th time you say it. Well you know how one day she just stop wearing the glasses and she SAY she start wearin contacts but then she start bumpin into shit all the time and then she ran over that dude on the bike with her car and took off without stoppin?  Well that bitch need to find them glasses again and put them back on her face cause she either blind or she as stupid as Shakey's sperm.

Anyway, I'm just sayin that cause you remember I told you how Tina's baby got shipped off to New Mexico after we thought Tina was dead?  Well before the baby got shipped off, Fortune
 was "takin care of it" and YES maybe that wasn't no good idea and YES it was a nightmare. Well now that Tina coming back Fortune say she gonna let Tina stay with her for a bit while she readjust to life outside the carnival world.  So Fortune start cleaning up her nasty apartment, and YES I DID ask her if she threw away that container of chinese food from Giant Panda that been sittin on her counter since April growing shit in it and SHE SAY she did but it would not surprise me if that shit still sittin there and still growing.  But that ain't even what I'm talking about.  

So Fortune call me 30 minutes ago and she all in a panic and she crying about her baby and she hypo-ventalating and screaming and I couldn't understand most of what she sayin so I told her to calm the fuck down, shut the fuck up and call me back in 5 minutes.  So she call me 4 
minutes later and she say she realize when she was cleaning the house that when the Childrens Protective Service peoples came by to get Tina's baby THREE WEEKS AGO that she gave them HER baby instead!  And that bitch didn't even notice until TODAY!  Now it's true that Tina's baby and Fortunes baby do have some similar features, probably cause them babies created by the same dick... don't even tell no one I said that....but Tina's "baby" is three years old.  How do Fortune think that HER three month old baby is up and walking and doing the dishes? I should have known something was up when I called her and her baby answered the phone.  I'll let you know what happens.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Girl, I fucked up, Tina AIN'T Dead!

Well I guess there still a chance that Tina can pay you back that $37 you was bitching about after you hear that she dead cause she ain't dead.  But from what I hear she pissed that everyone thought she was dead and then just got on with their lives even though her body was never found.  She don't stop.  But answer me THIS... how she expect everyone to think she AIN'T dead after she just leave her baby in the cereal aisle of Foods Co and then just disappear for two months? Tina KNOW and WE KNOW that people don't just disappear... people either get buried in the woods or dropped into deep water.  I mean SOMETIMES people get burned in dumpsters or shot in the back of the head execution style and left in a parking lot, but most of the time they just buried in the woods til a dog or a rabid squirrel uncover them and drag them out piece by piece.  Remember that time Showcase found her dog playing with her cousin's hand?  I'm just saying.  I just don't know how Tina think we could think anything else except that she was dead.  She got no logic. All I know is that I ain't giving back that microwave I took from her apartment when we was all dividing up her shit.

Anyway, Mary say that Tina call her last Tuesday and Tina say she ain't been able to call cause she she got a job as a backup dancer on Beyonce's tour and Beyonce don't let none of her backup bitches have no cell phone.  YES SHE DID! That bitch has GOT TO BE huffin again cause she think that we all gonna believe that even though Showcase seen the Beyonce tour and she didn't see no Tina.  

It don't stop there.  Shakey said he was down in Sacramento on "business" the day after Tina call Mary and he say that he seen Tina working the ferris wheel at a school carnival.  What the fuck do Tina know about working a ferris wheel?  YOU KNOW that bitch used to go to carnivals just to chuck rocks at people and babies circling around on ferris wheels.  I'm just hoping that she didn't have to help put that shit together cause I seen shit on the TV where they say that most carnival workers only use 60% of the nuts and bolts it takes to build a ride and YOU KNOW if Tina was putting it together she only use like 30% and some scotch tape she pick off of old wrapping paper from two Christmases ago.  I mean, you seen the way she put jigsaw puzzles together with staplers and shit.

So, Tina coming back home next week.  She don't know that her baby living in New Mexico and I hope I ain't the one who have to tell her.  We'll see.