Tina bought a car

Please do not sit there reading this actin like you ain't even heard, cause I already heard that you heard and I heard it from two different people, so dont CALL me when you done readin this and say ain't no one already told you.  Can you believe Tina was gonna spraypaint a pigeon green and try to get the reward for that parrot?  Well I can believe it cause I been down at 850 Bryant for 3 hours gettin her out of jail and tryin to convince the lady at the bail window that  that's just how Tina get when she get her period.  I mean I didn't SAY that Tina always spray painting pigeons green, I just said that when she on her period that she always lookin for a quick dollar.  You know how she get.  But what the fuck was she thinkin when she went in the hardware store and ask the guy what kind of paint she should use if she wanted to paint a pigeon from off the street to make it look like a parrot so she could get a reward.  Sometimes she just need to cut her sentence short.  Why she just don't ask for parrot green spraypaint?  She so stupid sometimes.  But she TOLD the dude she wanted to spray paint a pigeon and I guess they got some kind of rule there that when you say you gonna paint a pigeon then they gotta call the police.  Like there ain't bigger crimes goin on at the hardware store.  Shakey could go in there and ask for two pounds of fertilizer, some kerosene and a lighter and no one would ask any questions...cause that's what he did when he blew up Fortune's momma's car.  All I'm sayin is that Shakey didn't go in there and say "I'm gonna blow up Fortune's momma's car, what do I need?"  You know?  The dude at the store probly just thought Shakey was growin some tomatoes, havin a cook out and wanted to light his cigarette.  But you know Tina...she want EVERYONE to see how smart she is.  She don't stop.

Anyway, as soon as I got Tina out of jail she made me take her over to Crystal's place to pick up that car that she bought off of Crystal's brother.  And I TOLD her that no car that cost $400 was gonna be any good and I was RIGHT cause when Tina tried to get the car out of the parkin lot she found out that the car DON'T GO in reverse.  But Crystal's brother didn't tell Tina that, he just said that the car was sold "As Is".  So me and Tina was in the car and Tina was tryin to back out and the car wouldn't do it and she tried for like 15 minutes so she call Crystal's

 brother and ask him like what the fuck and shit and he tell her that the car only go forward and that's why it so cheap.  Tina got PISSED.  And I TRIED to tell her to stay calm since she just got out a jail and all but Tina put the car in forward and drove over that little cement island at Crystal's apartment buildings parking lot and knocked over them new trees they just planted then she rammed into Crystal's brothers car.  She WANTED to ram into it, back up, ram again, back up, ram again, back and ram, back and ram, but she FORGOT that the car don't do back so she just RAM real hard then we just sit there. And then the horn on Crystal's brothers car started honkin and didn't stop and then the horn on the car Tina bought started goin off and YOU KNOW how I hate car horns so I just left.  Did she call you?

Tina try to get a reward

I swear girl, it don't stop!  And sometimes you think it do stop and sit down on a chair and eat some chips, THEN like a minute later your cell phone ringing and it's Tina.  And as soon as you see Tina's name come up, you KNOW that it stopped stoppin.  There it goes.  It don't  NEVER stop for long. 

 

Well, the other day me and Tina was down havin lunch at Sparky's cause her friend LuLu work there now and she never charge Tina for shit AND she let Tina steal one of  the highchairs for the baby. Now they only got one highchair at Sparky's so you better call your sister and let her know that she can't bring the twins there til they get a new one.  I know she like to go there.  So when we was leaving Tina seen this poster "REWARD $200".  And she ain't had no money since that day she worked at Bibbie's so she thinkin she gonna get rich quick with the reward money. You know Tina.  Did I already tell you this story?   Wit the lost parrot?  I know WHAT I NEED to tell you..........Fortune gonna name her baby Felatio if it a boy.  Tina told me.  And YES i asked Tina if Fortune even knew what it meant. She said she don't care becuase MOST PEOPLE don't know what it mean. And she think it sounds exotic.  Greek or some shit.  For that baby's sake I hope she have a girl.  But me and Tina walked by that reward poster and Tina grabbed it down off the wall and she seen a picture of a parrot on it.  And Tina say real loud "WHO PAY $200 FOR A BIRD!? Show and Tell, bitch!  Show and Tell!"  She always say it twice.  And now she pokes people in the chest when she say it.  She TRIED pokin me and I bent down and bit her finger.  I hate bein poked. Anyway, Tina kept the

 poster and she say she "gonna find the rabbit, I mean parrot."  How is she gonna catch a fuckin parrot?  Alive? 

Shakey got food poisoning from that Chinese steamtable place.  He shit his pants on the Muni.  I just told you that cause now everyone wanna start callin him Stinky. He said he think it was the pork cause that what he could taste the most of when he threw up.  Julie say she aint never been sick from there.  I got sick and I didnt even eat anything.  Hold on.....

SO......hold on

THIS.......fuck, hold on

I KNOW YOU HEARD BY NOW , since I already just got 4 phone calls.  And I know that I should shut down my computer and go get her ass out of jail AGAIN but this is what I mean by when I say sometime's it hard to be Tina's best friend.  Now I gotta go get her and take two busses that hardly even come on Sunday and go to the jail and claim her.  I have to ADMIT to some stranger at the police station that the lady arrested for attempted animal cruelty is my friend.  It don't stop.  She lucky her bail is only $50.  I'll call you later.

Ketchup

You know how when we go out to nice restaurants Tina always steal the bottle of ketchup?  Or she steal the salt and pepper?. Or the napkins?  Or them nutcrackers and little forks that she SAY she got at Target but  that I KNOW she stole from Joe's Crab Shack?.  Or whatever, she a thief.  Well the other night me and Tina was out to dinner at Bus Stop Burger on Divis and I don't know if you been to Bus Stop Burger ever since that night Fortune's sister stabbed your friend but I think they got a new owner now cause they got all these new steak sauces in bottles that they keep on the table. You know how they usally just got A1 and Heinz 57? Well now they got all kinds of shit and they got shit you can't even get at the Safeway.  I aint kiddin.

Well, you know Tina and her giant purse.  They don't stop! Tina wasnt even done half her burger and she already had like 6 of them sauces in her bag INCLUDING the hot sauce which she KNOW I always use.  And you know her rule.  Once she put it in her bag, she dont take it back out. So she make ME get up to get another hot sauce off another table and the MANAGER walk over to me and ask me if I had something wrong with me.  I think he thought I was stealin tips or eatin peoples leftovers cause I DID pick up someones uneaten half a burger off the table but I was just lookin to see what they had on it.  You know I aint gonna eat that shit.  So I put down the burger and told him I just need some hot sauce cause we didnt have none on our table and I was real nice when I said it but he look over at mine and Tinas table and start yellin at Tina about how he KNOW all 13 sauces was there when we sat down!  He didnt ask no questions, he just started yellin at Tina. 

 And you know how Tina dont like to be yelled at.  She spit her burger into her hand and threw it right at the dudes head.  Some of it hit him in the neck but most of it missed and splattered 

on the front window.  So Tina stand up and start yellin "You Got Video??!!  Well SHOW AND TELL bitch", 

and I dont know if I told you but Tina sayin that all the time now.  Everything all "Show and Tell, Show and Tell!"  It dont make no sense a lot of time.  Anyway, we aint allowed back in there no more but Tina did say she wants to have a steak party at her house and she said you could come if you brought some steak.  I'm just sayin its somethin to think about.   

Did Tina send you that recipe?

Did Tina send you that recipe that her mom been usin for that green bean casserole?  Well I hope you didn't make it cause that shit look as nasty as Tina at 2 AM on a Saturday.  Don't tell her I said that either cause she sensative about how she look after the club closes. I'm just sayin that Shirley went to that Christmas thing at Tina's Moms that you weren't invited to and she said Tina's mom made her green bean casserole with three sticks of butter and NO cream of mushroom soup.  And that don't make no sense.  That's just like, green beans swimming in butter with some soggy onion crisps on top of it.  Tina said that her mom makes it like that cause she's lactose intolerant but I told Tina that butter HAS intolerance in it and she didn't believe me.  It don't stop with her.  She said she was gonna send you the recipe, but I'm just sayin.

How you doin with your Christmas shoppin?  Me and Tina went to Target on Friday.  Tina stole a comforter!  That girl can shoplift!  You know she better watch out cause she don't need not one more thing on her record, but that comforter is so nice that I would have stolen one too cept Tina took the last one. .  She said she gonna go back next week and get the cover for it.  Tina told me that if I'm gonna do any shoplifting I should do it durin the holidays cause there's a lot of people in the store and the security can't keep their eye on everyone at the same time so the odds are better.   Sometimes she's smart like that.  All I stole today was a pack of Mentos and I was so scared I pissed myself when I was walking out to the parkig lot.  

What happened to you at DeeDEE's party on Thursday?  You said you were goin out back to throw up and you never came back.  I looked for you in the bushes.  Remember that time at Shakey's when I found you in the bushes?.......With Shakey on top of you.!!!!!!!!!!!!

I watched him doin it to you for like a minute before I said anything.  MMMMMMMM.  You so lucky.  But what happened the other night after you puked?  Did you see Shakey out at the  bushes again?  it ain't my business, but I'm just sayin that you could have said goodnight.  I still got your leftovers in my fridge but I might have to use them tonight if anyone comes over.  IF you know what I mean.