Tuesday, December 23, 2008

There are people that are on my nerves, then there's Tina.

You know how Tina always get them candy bar cravings and we all gotta stop what we're doin and walk to the corner store with her? Well the other day me and Tina was out at Mary's and Tina said she wanted a Almond Joy.  She REALLY wanted one. Like "I am the only bitch who ever had her period" wanted one. You know how she get.   But you know how Mary dont have a corner store?  It's like a 3 block store.  Three LONG blocks.  That's WHY when you go to Mary's, you stop at the store first, THEN you go to Mary's.   Whenever I go there I make sure I got a flask, Fritos and two packs of cigarettes. 

But the other day I was over with Tina at Mary's and Tina say she need a Almond Joy. She always so specific with her candy bars.  So she make ME walk to the store with her and the whole way there she still goin on about that baby being missing.  THAT'S why I didn't want to go to the store with her.  Cause I KNEW she would. But I had to go cause you know how Tina get if you don't go to the store with her.   So Tina got a Almond Joy and a Yoohoo and when she unwrap the Almond Joy, one of the halves didn't have no almond in it.  It was like one Mound and one Almond Joy. And she freaked.  I know you probabl
y heard.  She went off!  She called the guy at the store a thief, a con, a faggot and a cocksucker.
 And I TOLD her that it was rebundant to call a dude a cocksucker AND a faggot but that girl cannot control her mouth.   And now I don't think we're gonna be allowed back in that store cause I KNOW they got footage of Tina goin off and probably have her picture hangin up behind the counter now.  So now the closest store to Mary's is like 5 blocks away!!  I ain't hangin out at Mary's no more.   I go to Mary's house to chill but I can't chill if Tina keep making me walk to the store.  And that pisses me off cause Mary always has really good weed and a lot of good shows on her TIVO.

Anyway, Tina ended up findin her baby that night after we was at Mary's.  I'm glad that's over, and now Tina can shut the fuck up about it.  I'm just sayin it's good that the baby is safe.  Cause I TOLD Tina that the return rate on babies is about 8%.  You know, just so she wouldnt get her hopes up.  But the police called her and said that the baby was down at the MUNI lost and found.  So me and Tina went down there and there was one section where it was like lost  sweaters and jackets, and then there was the other section with the lost babies.  So first Tina made us stop at the clothes and she did her old lost and found thing and got a real nice black
 Old Navy coat.  Then we went to the Baby lost and found and they had the baby there.  They said it was the only one they had all week.  But that's just like Tina.  The cops said they have footage of some guy pushin the baby onto MUNI at Church and Market but their aint no clear view of his face.  Sounds shady.  Anyway, they gave the baby back to Tina but she gotta go to parenting classes now.  Tina said she gonna ask Shirley if she'll go for her. 

And that coat Tina got at the lost and found gave her scabbies.  It is nasty!  And SHE askin ME to put the cream on her back.  And you know I aint touchin no scabbies.  I did my time.  And that shit don't never stop.  I gotta go.  I promised Tina's mom I'd make my marshmallow sweet potatoes.  I need to get to the Safeway early.

Do NOT tell Shirley!

Well, I KNOW I don't have to tell you how much Tina is on my nerves right now doin nothin but talkin about that missing baby!!  You are so lucky that Tina ain't talkin to you cause if she WAS talking to you she'd be talkin about that missing baby.  She say she 85% sure that it wasn't my fault.  SHE'S IN THE BATHROOM,  snortin up Danilynns college tuition and she wants to say there's a 10 % chance that it's MY fault.  Ain't that just like Tina?  She don't stop.

Before I forget to tell you, I need to tell you, that Julie actually DID end up cuttin that Kanye West cold sore off her lip with a paring knife and now she's trying to sell it on EBAY.  I stopped over her house to get some weed for 
Tina (I pinched a little so I'll smoke you out tomorrow) and you know that coffee table in Julie's house where she always weighs out the weed in front of you? Girl, she had that cold sore sittin right on a little plate on the table.  Ain't that the nastiest shit?  Who gonna buy that?  And now that she cut it off her face it don't even look like Kanye no more.  It just looks like a scab.  On a plate.  With some Glad Wrap covering it. Which reminds me that I
 told Tina what you said about that money for the extensions.  And she
 said she don't owe you no money and if that if you want to get technical about it then Nancy should give you the money.  But you should look up Julie's nasty scab on EBAY.  She wants a minimum of $28.  I guess there's all kinds of people in this world, it don't stop. 

But anyway, me and Tina stopped out for one tonight after we finished looking for her baby and after about three drinks and four trips to the bathroom..(she still "ain't got none" by the way,) Tina told me, (DO NOT REPEAT THIS TO SHIRLEY)  that she want to see what it's like to eat pussy.  And they are HER words and NOT mine.  I swear.  But I'm sure that don't shock you because even though we'd swore we'd never bring it up, we all remember that night at... well, we all made a promise not to bring it up and I keep my word and you know that's how I am. If I put my WORD on somethin then it's written in stone and not ash.  But if she want to start puttin her face in some bitches pussy to get some better coke well good for her.  I just hope her braces don't get in the way and no one gets hurt.  Now she can go down on ANYONE for ANYTHING.  Not that she's gonna share any of it, but that's just the way Tina is.  

Damn girl, I'm ramblin.  I gotta go cause me and Tina are supposed to look for the baby in the morning after we go to breakfast.   She be pissed if I'm late.

You seen Tina's baby?

Well I'm sorry I ain't written in a couple of days but it's hard to send emails when all you do is work and spend hours and hours at the police station wit Tina.  I'm sure you already heard but I'll tell you anyway just so you get the facts and not some fabricated, exagerated tale from Shirley or Julie, who, by the way, has another giant herpes breakout on her lip.  And SHE trying to take the focus off the fact that it's ANOTHER herpes outbreak by sayin that if you look directly into the cold sore you can see a clear image of Kanye West. I took a picture of it wit my cell phone, I'll show you.  I told her she should cut it off wit a paring knife and try to sell it on Ebay or to a medical freak museum.  I heard about places like that.  They got two headed babies in jars.
Anyway, me and Tina went to the Transfer on Tuesday Night and Tina brought the baby cause she knows the bouncer and he lets her bring the baby into the bar.  So she bring the baby in a stroller and YOU KNOW how after Tina has two drinks she in the bathroom every FIVE minutes?
Always sayin how she always has to pee. "My bladder, my bladder".  My ass!   Everyone know she just bein cheap with her shit...  Which is fine cause her shit is as cheap as her fabric softner. Did I tell you about the fabric softner?  Remind me to later if I didn't. Anyway, Tina went in the bathroom to "pee" and I was bored cause someone was playin some song on the jukebox I never heard before, so I went out and had a cigarette.  I didn't think somethin would happen to the baby.  But Tina comes runnin out on the sidewalk screamin like she at church ...."WHERE MY BABY??!!  OH MY BABY!!  WHAT YOU DO WITH MY BABY?" And it aint like she told me I was IN CHARGE of the baby.  I'm lookin at her freakin out and I see she got that BIG white ring around her nose the way she always does when she come out of the bathroom cause that girl NEVER checks herself.  And I wasn't gonna tell her about it but I figured the cops might be comin because of the missing baby.  So I said "Hey Teen...You better wipe your nose... and since we're gonna be up lookin for the baby...do you got any more?"  And that bitch lied right to me and said no.   But whatever, she had to suck dick for that coke.  

So, we went back in the bar and got a shot so we could calm down and Tina asked the bartender if she seen a baby.  But the bartender was in some BITCH ASS mood and start yellin at Tina 
cause she remember the last time Tina lost the baby in the bar.  I didnt think that that's what Tina needed to hear at the time, but I GUESS she deserved it.  So the bartender tell Tina to call 911 but Tina still ain't got no cell phone cause she lost it on that road on the way home from death row on that day you didn't pick her up and the cops still aint given it back to her.  So Tina asks the bartender to call 911 and that bitch said "NO".  She all worried that the bar would get in trouble.  So Tina made ME do it.  And I ain't never called 911 before and it scared me cause you don't know if your call will end up on the TV or the Internet.   But you know if it WAS  on the TV that Tina's Momma would see it and Tina would never be allowed to take the baby to the bar again.  That's just how Tina's mom is.

So I told the 911 lady what happened...how me and Tina was walkin home from church and Tina really needed to use the bathroom so we stepped inside for a second just so Tina could 
pee and then after I bent down to tie my shoe...someone stole the baby.  I told her I did a double knot just so it seemed like it would take more time.  The 911 lady told me they'd send someon
e right out.  DOES THAT SOUND FAMILIAR?  Remember that time Shakey's old girlfriend Fortune stole my coat and I called 911?  They said the SAME THING and it took 11 hours for someone to come.   So I told Tina we should go to Amber to see if Minnie Ginny was there and ask her if she seen the baby.   But as soon as we walk outside there's like 4 cop cars all over!!!!  It's funny how they respond faster to different things. 

Anyways, Tina's baby still missing.  Tina just walkin around screaming "Danilynn!!!!!!  MY BABY!  Danilynn!!!"  I KNOW that baby was still next to the pool table when we were done the 2nd game, but I can't say for sure that she was still there when I went out for that cigarette.  So I really don't know if it's my fault or not.  But the cops said they'd be on the lookout for a baby.  So keep your fingers crossed.  I'm so glad Tina ain't got no phone right now because the last thing I wanna talk about right now is her missing baby.  I gotta go.  I'll let you know if they find Tina's baby.

Did you change your email address?

Girl I asked you this before and now I ask you again... what is wrong with you?  I been writin you all week tellin you how Tina been on death row and how she almost been executed and how she been missin and how that  baby of hers didnt have no momma AND how she still got that lewd conduct charge still against her and you STILL ain't writin or textin or nothin!  Maybe you changed your email or somethin but I hope not cause Tina and her Mom be pissed if all this shit bout Tina  was going to some stranger with your old email address!  And that is NOT somethin I need to be dealin with right now.  Well, since Tina didnt call me from her moms sayin that you called her at her moms after I called you at your moms and left you that message, then I guess you still ain't talked to her.  Right?  Well even though it ain't my business ...
Bibbie fired Tina from the nail salon.  She had to!  It's just like Tina.  I guess that when Tina was on death row she got in  some shit with this bitch named Stew in the cell next to Tina's.  I think Tina had her TV on too loud or something and it was real late, but Stew in the other cell yelled like "Hey Tina.... you need to turn down that fuckin TV".  And you know Tina don't like to be yelled at.  So Tina started screaming at Stew and saying that if she ever got off death row she would come back and kill her.  And that was just on her first night!  Poor Tina.  She never has luck with next door neighbors.
  Which reminds me, I let (J) become my BACKdoor neighbor last night,if you know what I mean,  so now if THAT BITCH is reading this right now all I got to say is "MY ASS!"...and that ain't my ass in the picture cause I aint even gonna have my ass all over the internet.  But anyway, Tina was workin at Bibbie's today doin nails and she seen Stew's sister come in!  But YOU KNOW Tina ain't never seen Stew's sister, and Tina actually only seen Stew ONE time through the meal tray slot in the death row cell door, but you know how Tina get and she had it in her head that this woman comin in to get her nails done was  Stew's sister, if not her TWIN!.!  That's what she said.  HER TWIN!  I told you she been smokin a lot of weed.  Well, you know how at Bibbie's every Monday is all no appointment/first come, first served, givin back to the neighborhood shit? Well, Tina seen Stew's sister come in and told Bibbie and Casey that it was her friend and she wanted to do her nails. And you know how at Bibbie's  they got that real nice soak she do for 10 minutes before she start?  Well, Tina switched out the Bibbie soak and soaked that bitches hand in acid!  Or maybe it was some of that cheap ass fabric she told me about.  All I KNOW is Tina burned off the bitches nails AND her fingerprints. AND she made her cry.  But she never let on like she MEANT to do it, except to Shirley who told Mary who told me but don't tell her I told you.   Everybody else think it was an accident.  But Bibbie still had to fire her cause she said something like that could give her place a bad reputation.  And I guess she got a point.  But Mary said that the lady that Tina burned is  Russian and that Stew is white so it's impossible for them to be identical twins.   Julie called me earlier and said she seen Tina comin out of Domino's and goin into the bar.  And I told Julie that whatever Tina do ain't my business.

I don't care if she eats pizza and drinks Red Bull Bombers ALL DAY the way she likes to.  I ain't Tina's keeper.    Which reminds me, did you get that email I forwarded from Tina's Mom?  She made me send it, even though I told her that you dropped your computer in the bathtub.  That kinda shit gimme nightmares, she need to let up on her Jesus some.  And yes I did forget to tell you....about that NAKED JESUS video on You Tube?  Did you hear about it?  Girl, I think of YOU everytime I watch it and when you see it you will KNOW why!!!!  That's too much.  Well, I'll let you know tomorrow if Tina's gonna go through with puttin Danilynn up for adoption. Did I tell you about that?  Oh yea, I forgot.  Tina said she either gonna put her baby up for adoption or abandon her on the steps of City Hall or something. I'll let you know, if I ain't busy.  I might have plans.

Tina's mom think Tina join a cult

Well... last night Tina's mom seen that CNN documentary about that Jonestown thing from in the 70s and NOW Tina's mom think Tina in a cult.  That's why I always say I'm sick of the TV!  Cause Tina's mom always watchin it and think she got some new disease or that her daughter joined a cult.  Someone need to get up on her roof and disconnect her Dish Network.  I bet Shakey would do it. You know he would!   But Mary called me tonight and said Tina's mom been calling her ALL DAY  and shoutin about Kool Aid and chickens!  I know Tina ain't joined no cult cause she ain't got enough money OR skills. Unless she joined a sex cult where she just gotta give up her pussy and suck dick to get free rent.  I don't even know if  there is that kind of cult  but if there is YOU KNOW  that's who got Tina.  I mean, if she's dead right now and layin in a ditch, well I swear to God I AM SORRY..  But everybody know Tina liked to suck dick. I told you that's how she got her sofa, right?   God rest her soul if she's dead and God bless her if there's been a miracle.  Anyway, if Tina IS in a cult, I hope they made her shave her head and eat her extensions cause you know what I thought...I mean THINK...cause we need to be positive... about them extensions.  Which reminds me that i gotta call Reenee about my hair for the Inaguration Party I'm going to in Washington D.C. I already got my tickets and I was SUPPOSED to go with Tina but who knows now.  I don't even know if people that were on death row are allowed to go to an inaguration.  It dont never stop. Hold on....

 I KNEW IT!  All that stuff about the cult was a false alarm cause Shirley just called me and said she seen Tina working at Bibbie's Nail Place on Divis.  That Bibbie is so nice.   Hardly even know Tina and give her a job right off death row.  Giving back to the neighborhood.
  Tina need to call her momma and let her know she ain't in no cult or dead.  Well that's good that Tina ain't dead or tied up cause I'm gonna stab someone if I don't get a good nights sleep.  

Tina went missing

What was the last thing I said to you yesterday?  Well, it was "it's none of my business".  But that ain't what I'm talking about.  I mean the next to last words where I said "maybe you should give Tina a ride".  Girl, what is wrong with you?  Do you know how mad her momma is NOW?!?  Tina is MISSING!  The guards at the prison said that she texted YOU right before they unlocked the gates to set her free and that she seemed real sure that YOU was gonna come and pick her up.  Now she's missing and they found her cell phone on the side of the road and the last thing entered into the cell phone was that text to YOU. Tina's Mom thinks you might have kidnapped her!  She kept yellin about how she KNOWS you picked Tina up from death row cause there ain't no way YOU would deny her daughter bail AND a ride.  I just told her that I ain't talked to you and that my computer is broken, just so you know.  I ain't never felt so lucky about having my car repossessed.  Now I  just take MUNI and I never have to drive people home from death row.  Anyway they say there ain't no other clues about Tina's disappearance and possible murder.  The cops are worried because the area up by the prison ain't really that safe.  Most of the cops in that area work IN the prison and there ain't many watchin the streets.  So there's a chance it's like a serial killer or a snuff film maker.  Poor Tina.  You're supposed to have FUN when you come off death row.  It's just like her.   Oh girl, another DAY! you know?  It don't stop.  Anyway, i know the other day I said that like maybe they SHOULD gas Tina or whatever, but that is a whole different thing from her gettin murdered and left for dead up by death row.  Cause that's not right.  But if she IS still alive I think I might try to have a party or something where you could come and make up some big lie to tell Tina's Mom so she ain't mad at you no more.  Some big lie about how you couldn't help her daughter out when she was on death row.  I'll help you out with it ...but girl you KNOW you owe me one.  Speakin of which Shaky stopped over here before with that good potato casserole.  He needs to enter that shit into a recipe contest if he didn't already get the recipe from a recipe contest.  That shit is so good.  Anyway, I'll let you know if they find Tina's body.  And if she's alive I'll let you know about the party.