Saturday, February 28, 2009


Girl, I never thought Tina would be STUPID enough to try the shit she try today at the Designer Shoe Warehouse and witout even TELLING me she gonna do it first but I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN something was up when Tina didn't have on her purple high tops when we was shoppin cause YOU KNOW she always wear them sneaks when we go down to Union Square.  And when we met up outside Walreens I DID notice she was wearin that pair of black slip ons that Fortune left at her place one night, and I KNOW that YOU KNOW what pair I'm talkin bout cause Fortune bring them up every time she talk to anyone or email anyone but that bitch ain't ever gone right up to Tina in the year and a half since she left them at Tina's and say "Tina gimme my fuckin shoes back." She just bitch about how Tina never give them back.   I'm just sayin that if Fortune was too fucked up to not know she didn't have no shoes on when she left that party at Tina's, well then maybe Fortune don't deserve to own them shoes.  

Anyway, me and Tina looked at shoes for a while and I didn't see nothin I wanted and I THOUGHT that Tina didn't see nothin SHE wanted but right as we  was walkin out the
front door I seen something hangin off the back of Tina's shoe.  And as soon as I said "Hey Teen, what's that....", girl, that fuckin alarm start goin off and I see Tina's nice, new, bright white Reeboks wit security tags hangin off the back of them go jammin out the door!  
All Tina say is "RUN BITCH!"  And I just yelled "I don't NEED to run bitch!  I didn't steal no Reeboks".  I stood right outside and smoked a cigarette and watched Tina run UPHILL to get away.  I still don't know if she got away, I went over to the Old Rust.   She ain't called.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

She Don't Stop

Well I woulda written to you sooner if SOMEHOW my computer didn't just disappear last Thursday and SOMEHOW just reappear last night when Tina come over and I was in the bathroom.  I ain't EVEN kidding.  All I been doin all week is bitchin to Tina bout how my computer get stolen at that goin away party I had for you and then she think I ain't even gonna notice when it just all the sudden back on my desk when I come out from doing a piss?  I come out the bathroom and I see my computer and I look at Tina and I say "How the fuck my computer get back in here?!"  And Tina just say "What?", like she don't even know what the  fuck I'm talkin about.  And I say "Teen...Where the fuck my computer come from?"  And she start YELLIN at me bout how it been there the whole time she been there and that she think I'm crazy.  But I KNOW that her shady friend that she been fuckin took it during that party cause he the only shady person AT that party except for Crystal but she don't even know how to USE a computer.  I just dropped it and ONCE AGAIN did not call her ass out for bein a thief.  I'm just glad I got my computer back, even if it do have Tina's name carved into it.


Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Bitches and their bags

Did you hear what Tina did on that stairway today?  She too crazy and YOU KNOW she gonna end up in jail someday.  And I ain't even talkin about the times she already BEEN in jail OR on death row.  I'm talkin about the future which is something Tina DON'T NEVER think about.  And why she gotta get so mad over two bitches on the stairway at the Van Ness underground is beyond anything I even want to know about a person in their lifetime.  I'm just sayin, wit Tina it could be two bitches on the steps of Muni or it could be a priest in line at the liquor store, she will start shit wit any of them.  

So Tina was walkin UP the steps at Van Ness and I was walkin UP behind her and YOU KNOW that Tina is serious about the proper etiquette when you on the stairs or the escalator. You
 SEEN HER yell at people about "keep to the right bitch, pass on the left bitch", you know, you seen it.  Well we comin UP the steps at Van Ness and we keepin to the RIGHT against the railing and as we going UP these two bitches with big bags was walkin NEXT to each other going DOWN the stairs and the one bitch was too far over to her LEFT and just ignored the fact that Tina was even existing AND walkin up the steps and that bitch smack Tina right in her head with all three her bags!  Tina's head get slapped with The Gap, H&M, and Victoria's Secret all right in a row.  Smack, smack, smack!  Girl, I KNOW you just lit a cigarette cause YOU KNOW that some serious shit is about to happen.  I seen them bags hit Tina's head and I just look down at the floor like I drop my transfer or a quarter or something and I almost start laughin so I act like I seen Shirley and start yellin "HEY SHIRL!....SHIRLEY!" and I just run right back down the stairs to fake Shirley.  

WELL....that's when I seen the bags come flyin down the stairs and I hear that very recognizable sound of Tina beatin on some bitches.  So I'm hearin the slap slap slap and then I hear Tina scream down at me "Grab the bags and run!  Get that shit!"  So I did!  Me and Tina split the shit and I got a couple of nice sweaters.  Tina took all the Victoria's Secret shit.  Shakey gonna be real impressed.

Saturday, February 7, 2009


So me and Tina was down at Fortune's place to see how she doin wit her pregnancy and we was watchin TV and we seen that thing on the TV bout how MAD everyone in America and some of England is at that bitch that had them 8 octuptlet babies since she already got 6  sextuplet babies and she ain't got no job AND she live in her parents attic.  And Fortune say how she can't even imagine havin ONE baby and that if SHE end up havin 8 babies that she probly sell some of them or put some up for adoption.  And right as Fortune saying that, Tina butt in and start yellin at Fortune and sayin that SHE could bring up 8 babies wit no problem and she wouldnt even need no help from no one!  Fortune spit out her drink when she hear that!  I just picture Tina wit 8 baby strollers goin into the bar and then ME havin to count up 8 baby strollers when we leave.  She don't stop.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Frosted Flakes

J-Head call me today and ask me what the fuck happen with that waitress and I TOLD him that it's some nasty shit that that bitch bring Hypnotiq in the bathroom with her.  How she even wash her hands before returning at work?  She don't.  I told J-Head I want free drinks the next time we there.  AND I asked for that bitches schedule cause I ain't goin no more if she there.  I'm just sayin.

And I HOPE you didnt open them boxes of the Frosted Flakes that we got 2 for 1 at the Rite Aid sale with Michael Phelps on them cause I heard that Flakes dropped his ass for smokin weed and now them boxes gonna be worth BIG money in like 6 months.  So don't open em.  And Shirley call me today
and YOU KNOW how Shirley see somethin on the TV and then call all around til she find someone to talk to about the thing she seen on the TV and trap you on the phone for 20 minutes?  Well Shirley call ME today and she goin off about Frosted Flakes and
screamin in the phone that people who smoke weed eat 90% of the Frosted Flakes and that they ain't got no right to be droppin him and they crazy if they think Tony The Tiger gonna sell more boxes and how Tony probly smoke weed too or chew on know how she get!  SHE THINK they need to put a picture of him smoking a bong right on the box.  I think she right.  I look at a box wit someone smoking a bong on it,  it make me hungry.  
Tina say she wanna go to the Chinese New Year parade this weekend but I ain't sure I'm goin.I ain't even sure it IS this weekend, but Tina say it is and she know her astronomy. But I been with Tina the last three times and I am tired of spending Chinese New Year in jail.  I just wanna go, look at some dragons, throw some fire crackers at little kids and have a couple drinks.  But Tina get all excited like it's HER new year, even though it ain't and she end up all wasted and offending people and then she end up in handcuffs and I spend my New Year bailing her out.  I need to start this Chinese New Year fresh.  

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Old Rust Cocktails

Well Tina finally call me and all I KNOW is that it's a good thing I didnt let her bring that dude into MY place cause he end up rippin off Tina and YOU KNOW she ain't even got shit worth takin.  She "SOLD" all her jewelry to that dude on the TV and a lot of her other shit burned in that fire from when she have that indoor barbecue on the 4th of July. Tina say the dude steal her walkman and one of her VCRs.  She lucky he didnt steal the baby.  I KNEW he was shady when I seen that blood on his shirt but YOU KNOW Tina don't never think about shit like that til she wake up missin a VCR.  
So last night I took Tina out for some drinks down at the Old Rust and you know how the owner J-Head start having waitresses at the table and how there that one bitch who work there always outside smokin and yellin at people and you lucky if you ever get a drink?  Well Tina
order two Hypnotiqs from the bitch and then she go around takin more orders and yellin at more people and like 20 minutes later I FINALLY seen the bitch come around with the tray of drinks.  So she bring one table some drinks, then she bring another table some drinks and then the bitch take the tray with the rest of the drinks on it and she go in the bathroom! That bitch took our Hypnotiqs in with her to piss or whatever she been doin in 
the bathroom.  So I see the bitch come out the bathroom and I look at the tray and right away I see that my Hypnotiq look kinda GREEN.  And there only ONE THING that gonna make my BLUE drink green and that's YELLOW!  So I stand right up and start goin off on the bitch and
screamin bout how she nasty and why the fuck she piss in my drink.  And I didn't care if that bitch suckin J-Heads dick or not cause she ain't got no right to be pissin in my drink!  Well right as I'm slappin the bitch in her head, Tina walk back in from havin a cigarette and start yellin at ME to calm down and she SPRITZnn and I start yelling at HER about how the bitch pissed in our drinks and Tina start yellin back at me about how she didnt order just Hypnotiq but she order some drink that Shakey invent called a HypnoDew.  Leave it to Shakey to invent somethin as fucked up as Hypnotiq and Mountain Dew!  That shit look and taste just like waitress piss.  I apologized to the bitch for hittin her but she still nasty to be bringin a tray of drinks in the bathroom.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Tina Get Horny

Girl, don't this just wipe your ass?  So after you left my Super Bowl party last night after the first 8 minutes cause you SAY you gotta pick up your Aunt at the airport, Tina finally show up after she get released from the hospital and she come in with some dude she hook up with in the emergency room!!  Did you already hear?  Tina was up in her hospital bed on the 5th floor at 3 A.M. Sunday morning and that bitch wake up all horny so she go down and start cruising the E.R!!  She don't stop.  She say she wake up around 2 and make some cocktails with that bottle of Smirnoff that Showcase give her as a forgiveness present for puttin her in the hospital and then the vodka got her all horny so she go to the E.R. cause she knew it would be busy and she could find some action behind a curtain. Tina end up doin it with some dude waitin for a doctor to sew up his stab wounds.  

Anyway, Tina bring this dude over after he get sewn up and she get released and YOU KNOW my rule about Tina bringing dudes to my place.... she can't bring no dude to MY house unless she know HIS address.  Cause if he rip me off in MY house, I will send SOMEONE to his house to get my shit back.  And I have done it!  But she try to bring this emergency room gigolo in MY house and I say to Tina that I KNOW his address ain't the emergency room even though he look like it could be.  I'm just sayin that I could probly mail him a letter TO the emergency room and he would get it pretty fast, but he don't store his shit there.  So she BEGGIN me to let him in and I SAID NO like 7 times and I told her that when she fuck him at HIS house then he can come back.   I still ain't heard from her.