Monday, December 22, 2008

Tina's family say they mad at you

Well, you know that I am the LAST person to get involved with something like this cause i got enough stuff goin on in my own life and I don't need to be all over the phone and the computer and what not trying to figure out why everybody so messed up and why they just can't just go to work and stop at the store afterwards and buy somethin to make dinner with.  I don't like to bother no one.  BUT... Tina's brother's wife Nina, you know that one that go to the PTA meetings dressed like she think PTA stands for Pussy, Tits and Ass?  I told her that too!  I let her know it want none of my business but that she was just too nasty to be dressing like that.  But I said it real nice.  Anyway, I seen her at the Safeway today and she told me that Tina's mom is pissed at you cause you didn't answer your phone when Tina called you for bail and that you ain't been to see her on death row yet.  She start yellin at ME right at the Campbell Soups and YOU KNOW I almost picked up one of them cans and threw it at her head.  But I didn't since I can't get thrown out of that store one more time or I'm banned for life.  Cause you remember what happen them two times I got caught shoplifting that birth control and them cigarettes.  And then that time when me and (J)... in case "you know who" reads and (J) was trying to find the bathroom in the back of the Safeway but we couldn't find it and (J) really had to piss cause we drank a bunch of chablis and red bull and he got lost back in the stockroom and couldn't find the bathroom so he went right behind a big crate of Bownty paper towels and pissed on the floor. Did I ever tell you about that?  I meant to.   He was writing his name in piss on the side of the giant crate.  J-E-R... oh I better not write it all out.   Well the store manager caught us back there and started yellin at US the way Nina was yellin at ME today cause Tina's momma's mad YOU ain't been to see Tina on death row yet. Oh, did I tell you?  I don't think I did.  Tina is gettin RELEAESED tomorrow.  They say she is the first person to ever serve 48 hours on death row and then go free. But that's just like her.  Only Tina.  I heard she ain't got no way of gettin  home from jail, so don't answer your phone today cause it's probably Tina looking for a ride.  But the lawyers and the mayor and stuff said all the evidence they had was circumcision and that she only gonna have the lewd conduct charge on her record. And even though Tina's momma's glad that Tina got off death row and that Tina's gonna live, she is STILL mad at you.  Nina mumbled something about Christmas, how you probaly wouldn't be invited, and that you wouldn't even care that it was Tina's first Christmas since jail and death row.  Shirley said hi!   She stopped over here after she stopped at the jail to see Tina on death row.  By the time Shirley got to the jail they already moved Tina over to regular jail so they had lunch in the visitors lounge.  She said Tina never mentioned you.  I don't know, maybe you should give her a ride home.  It ain't my business.  

Now Tina's sister callin me

Well, remember yesterday that i told you how Tina got arrested for verbal assault but ending up gettin the death penalty for murder?   Did I mention that yesterday?    About the murder charge?   I think I started to then I started tellin you the story bout that asshole on the bus yelling about the chickens and the eggs.  Damn.  I knew there was something I forgot to tell you. Probly cause you rushed me off the phone. Anyway, they sayin that they think that Tina did the murder  and that there ain't no one else who coulda done it cause they already went through every other possible suspect and now Tina gonna be put in the gas chamber.  Shirley said that they might even have Tina gassed by Friday but she ain't really sure.  Shirl heard it from a girl whose boyfriend is the brother in law of the brother of the woman who does all the fingerprinting investigations for the department of petty theft at the TJ Maxx. So she's pretty connected.  Now you know I love Tina but at this point, if they gas her then they gas her cause she is on my nerves that much.  And now her sister callin me sayin its my fault for yellin at Tina and makin her go crazy.  I told her sister that Tina was already crazy and that ain't some shit she needs to be layin on me.  Her sister as crazy as she is.   You know,  I was SUPPOSED to do my laundry on Sunday and now it's Wednesday and I still aint done it.  But that's just like her. 

Anyway, we went to DeeDEE's  "art" opening tonight at the bar.  I told you bout that right?  I meant to.   Dee DEE did all these paintings of red sperms swimming in the ocean TOWARD the people on the life boats from the Titanic.  She said it "symbolized" new hope being brought to "life" boats full  of people who were gonna "die" while freezing to death, whatever the fuck that is supposed to mean.   I said it "symbolized" that she smokes a lot of weed. And YOU KNOW I went to her opening  because she said there would be free wine.  And that was true if you got there at exactly 6 o'clock.  At 6:01 it was $8 a glass. DeeDEE is so cheap, she got a one minute open bar.  And you know I wasnt payin $8 for a glass of wine so I just went behind the bar and grabbed 2 bottles of red off the shelf when the bartender wasn't looking.  I didn't care.  I had a corkscrew in my bag.   And don't you wanna poke your eye when you see how she spells her name now?  Remember when she was Dee?  Then DEE.  Shortened to D.  Then she got her boob implants and remember how she tell everyone to call her "Double D".  So then everyone called her Double D but then one of her implants exploded and Shirley told us that if we called her double d it might be in bad taste, referring to her as a boob size she ain't got no more, so we went back to calling her Dee?  She gettin too fancy.  

I seen Tina today!

So I'm walking down 18th Street today right behind that bitch who threw a penny at my head that day at the bar and who do I see WALKING out of the WALGREENS but TINA!!!!  And I ain't seen her FACE TO FACE since that fabric softner burned my skin!   She tellin me over the phone that i got nasty skin and shit.  So I seen her come out of the Walgreens and I yell "HEY.....TINA!!!!  You just buy some of that cheap ass fabric softner?  That shit as cheap as your rent!", which BTW, is free because she don't mind sucking dick for a place to sleep. And she KNOWS that I know that.  But I'm just saying that I called her ass out on the fabric softener .  Well as soon as i said that she start freaking out, she screaming like our girl Casey during a waxing with no Vicodin and wine.  All these people gathering around us holding up their cell phones filming her even before her freakout began.  Because they KNEW!  By the time "cheap ass fabric softner" came out my mouth, people knew two bitches were about to be fighting.  But I don't wanna talk about it.  EXCEPT to say that when she turned around to start freaking out on me her ass wiped out on a banana peel.  I AIN'T KIDDIN. It was like one of them old movies from the 80's.  Right down on her ass.  I started laughin cause it looked funny!!  Girl, if you was there with me we would have fallen down and spit up our Jamba Juice.   But she ain't here to defend herself from the TRUTH so it would be rude to go on about her getting taken away IN HANDCUFFS.  Crying.  With no place for her baby to stay. I ain't saying nuthin except DONT answer your phone cause it might be Tina looking for bail money.  I heard she's calling all around.  But if she does call you, don't tell her i told you already.  Tell her that you seen it on you tube or facialbook.  Or the news.  But that's not why I was writing to you.  So, i gotta go.  Remember, if the caller ID says "jail", don't answer.  

That new fabric softener gimme a rash!

Have you seen that commercial for that stuff called "Anti Monkey Butt Powder"?  Well I ain't seen it either but about two weeks ago Tina told me SHE seen it and I been lookin for it ever since and I STILL ain't never seen no commercial and I been thinking maybe Tina just had a dream about it or imagined it, or just made the shit up the way that she do, or SOMETHING cause I checked Walgreens AND Rite Aid and I couldn't
 find it at neither one of them!!  Even though Tina SWORE that the commercial said  "Available at Rite Aid and Walgreen."   I looked ALL OVER for it.  But you know there ain't no way I'm walkin up to someone workin at the Rite Aid and be like "SCuse me.  You got something called "Anti Monkey Butt POWDER" Girl you know I'm always too stoned to be askin questions like that.  So I just been wanderin around looking for it by the baby POWDERs and over by the Shower to Shower and the soaps and the Neutragina 
and I KNOW they was watchin me on the security cause I could HEAR the cameras movin.   I walked all up and down all the aisles of all them stores for like 45 minutes and when I didnt see no monkey's butt POWDER I got pissed cause I thought it really WAS all a dream that Tina had one afternoon or that she was fuckin with me cause she know I like monkeys. That's just Tina. She don't stop.

 But THIS is the fucked up part... The other day I'm walking by that Chinese steamtable restaurant on 9th Avenue that always got them skinny little dead chickens hanging in their window, and all the sudden I realized that I ain't never checked the aisle in Rite Aid where they got the Gold Bond Medicated POWDER.  Cause you know the Gold Bond POWDER is always by the anti itch CREAMS like Lanicaid and Neosporin and NOT next to the POWDERS like Shower to Shower or the Johnson and Johnson.  It's right by the Benadryl.  It makes some sense but I just think that all the POWDERS should be with all the other POWDERS.
Anyway, I had some chicken at that  place on 9th and dont NEVER let Julie talk you into goin there. She always sayin how it's the best steamtable in the city but I  spit a lot of that shit out
 cause the chicken tasted like a cheap hot dog.  AND because I seen a roach!  And YOU KNOW roaches make me scream and not pay.   Which I did!  I screamed all the way to 6th Ave.  But I'm just sayin that  I took the N Judah  to Walgreens and they had the monkey butt shit right next to the Gold Bond!!!  I KNEW it.  Sometimes it just takes me longer to figure it out.  That's how I am with math.  Anyway, I ain't tried it yet but it l got the bottle on that shelf in my bathroom.  The bottle got  a picture of a monkey with some big, nasty red ass.  So I think it's for Swamp Ass or somethin. But it's just like a cartoon drawing, they aint got a real monkey's ass.  I don't think they'd be allowed to do that with the advertising because of the animal labor laws. 

Oh, and that new fabric softener that Tina told me about?  It gave me a rash!  And I KNOW that it was the fabric softener and NOT the bottle of red wine that I drank when I was doing my laundry.  My sister said it was probably the sulphites or some shit in the wine but I TOLD her 
that I always had two or three glasses when I do my housework.  I KNOW  it was that fabric softener.  I spilled some on my hand and it burned me like acid.  I could smell my skin cookin.  Now I got a rash all over me from my clean clothes.  And when I told Tina about it she said something like "Well you must just have trashy skin".  She think she all a platinum card cause she got like all 8 steps in the Oil of Olay skin care for face and body series.  I think there's something in that fabric softener that she's able to suck out and put into that crank she make in her basement.   I only had Tina's shit once like 5 years ago and it was like a mix of Comet, Febreeze and Listerine.   I think she might be shady.  Look I gotta go to bed.  Sorry that I went on and never told you what to do about all the blood.  i just talk to you tomorrow. case you didnt get it, I made CAPITAL letters when I spelled POWDER in my letter.  You know what I mean?  Julie wanted me to ask you and she said she need it by Tuesday.