Tuesday, August 18, 2009

It Positively Got To Be There Overnight

Well as sure as shit falls from your ass, Fortune do something today that make me wonder if all them times she say "Damn girl, so and so fucked my brains out last night", if maybe her brains really do get fucked out of her.  I mean just because that bitch ain't got enough common sense to reach up into the front seat to get a condom out the glove compartment when she gettin some in the backseat, don't mean she can't have enough sense to SAY the right thing when she trying to get her baby back from the Children's Protective Service agents.  It ain't bad enough that I got to pick Tina up at the Greyhound station tomorrow and act like she ain't a lying bitch about the whole Beyonce thing, now I got to help Fortune and her sorry, blind ass get her baby back.  I am serious when I say that I wish she could find a dude to fuck her brains back into her.

Anyway, the Children's Protective Service agents was being REAL NICE and REAL SORRY to Fortune for all the mix up and all the shit that happen when they take HER baby instead of
Tina's baby and they put the whole baby return shit on the fast track and they ask Fortune if she could come down to New Mexico on Friday to pick up the baby.  Well that sightless ass tell them she can't make 
it on Friday and can't they just FED-EX the baby to her on a overnight flight!  How that bitch think a baby could survive a overnight flight in a box? Any SANE person know she need to have the baby sent Same Day Air!  So NOW the Children's Protective Peoples is wondering if Fortune is really fit to have a baby!  I'll get back to you about what happens....Fortune want me to meet at at the bar  at two o'clock and help her figure things out.

Thursday, August 13, 2009


You remember how Fortune used to wear them big thick glasses that make her face look like she got two glass igloos resting on her nose and her eyes look like giant bowling balls shooting out her head?  And you always say "Damn Fortune, I bet you can see through a brick wall with them things!", even though that joke got TIRED after the 87th time you say it. Well you know how one day she just stop wearing the glasses and she SAY she start wearin contacts but then she start bumpin into shit all the time and then she ran over that dude on the bike with her car and took off without stoppin?  Well that bitch need to find them glasses again and put them back on her face cause she either blind or she as stupid as Shakey's sperm.

Anyway, I'm just sayin that cause you remember I told you how Tina's baby got shipped off to New Mexico after we thought Tina was dead?  Well before the baby got shipped off, Fortune
 was "takin care of it" and YES maybe that wasn't no good idea and YES it was a nightmare. Well now that Tina coming back Fortune say she gonna let Tina stay with her for a bit while she readjust to life outside the carnival world.  So Fortune start cleaning up her nasty apartment, and YES I DID ask her if she threw away that container of chinese food from Giant Panda that been sittin on her counter since April growing shit in it and SHE SAY she did but it would not surprise me if that shit still sittin there and still growing.  But that ain't even what I'm talking about.  

So Fortune call me 30 minutes ago and she all in a panic and she crying about her baby and she hypo-ventalating and screaming and I couldn't understand most of what she sayin so I told her to calm the fuck down, shut the fuck up and call me back in 5 minutes.  So she call me 4 
minutes later and she say she realize when she was cleaning the house that when the Childrens Protective Service peoples came by to get Tina's baby THREE WEEKS AGO that she gave them HER baby instead!  And that bitch didn't even notice until TODAY!  Now it's true that Tina's baby and Fortunes baby do have some similar features, probably cause them babies created by the same dick... don't even tell no one I said that....but Tina's "baby" is three years old.  How do Fortune think that HER three month old baby is up and walking and doing the dishes? I should have known something was up when I called her and her baby answered the phone.  I'll let you know what happens.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Girl, I fucked up, Tina AIN'T Dead!

Well I guess there still a chance that Tina can pay you back that $37 you was bitching about after you hear that she dead cause she ain't dead.  But from what I hear she pissed that everyone thought she was dead and then just got on with their lives even though her body was never found.  She don't stop.  But answer me THIS... how she expect everyone to think she AIN'T dead after she just leave her baby in the cereal aisle of Foods Co and then just disappear for two months? Tina KNOW and WE KNOW that people don't just disappear... people either get buried in the woods or dropped into deep water.  I mean SOMETIMES people get burned in dumpsters or shot in the back of the head execution style and left in a parking lot, but most of the time they just buried in the woods til a dog or a rabid squirrel uncover them and drag them out piece by piece.  Remember that time Showcase found her dog playing with her cousin's hand?  I'm just saying.  I just don't know how Tina think we could think anything else except that she was dead.  She got no logic. All I know is that I ain't giving back that microwave I took from her apartment when we was all dividing up her shit.

Anyway, Mary say that Tina call her last Tuesday and Tina say she ain't been able to call cause she she got a job as a backup dancer on Beyonce's tour and Beyonce don't let none of her backup bitches have no cell phone.  YES SHE DID! That bitch has GOT TO BE huffin again cause she think that we all gonna believe that even though Showcase seen the Beyonce tour and she didn't see no Tina.  

It don't stop there.  Shakey said he was down in Sacramento on "business" the day after Tina call Mary and he say that he seen Tina working the ferris wheel at a school carnival.  What the fuck do Tina know about working a ferris wheel?  YOU KNOW that bitch used to go to carnivals just to chuck rocks at people and babies circling around on ferris wheels.  I'm just hoping that she didn't have to help put that shit together cause I seen shit on the TV where they say that most carnival workers only use 60% of the nuts and bolts it takes to build a ride and YOU KNOW if Tina was putting it together she only use like 30% and some scotch tape she pick off of old wrapping paper from two Christmases ago.  I mean, you seen the way she put jigsaw puzzles together with staplers and shit.

So, Tina coming back home next week.  She don't know that her baby living in New Mexico and I hope I ain't the one who have to tell her.  We'll see.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Oh, Hey Girl!

I am JUST askin and I AINT sayin but what the fuck runnin shit do I have do to make sure that Fortune remember that she even HAVE a baby.  She as bad as Tina.  There somethin I wanted to tell you about Tina... can't remember what it is now. I'll think of it.   Anyway, Fortune call me and say "Hey girl I need you to CALL me at SEVEN in the MORNING and make sure my ass get up for the baby" You know, cause she need to feed it and shit.  And SHE KNOW that I ain't even up at seven and I don't even get up before The View come on.  That bitch actin like she can't even set no clock.  Wellllllll...maybe she AIN'T able to do that.

Fortune keep runnin off all over the place, she go to Fresno and Sacramento on Monday and Wednesday and next week she say she goin to Union City on Saturday and YOU KNOW she party when she there, but she keep leavin the baby with me sayin she be back on Monday, and YOU KNOW that she ain't even gonna come back til Tuesday and she KNOW that if she come home any later than 12 noon on Tuesday then that baby gonna be on its own cause I got a standing one o'clock appointment at Bibbies on Tuesday and YOU KNOW I ain't giving that shit up. Fortune doin the whole Immaculate Conception tour, doing preaching on street corners,  sayin how no man ain't never fucked her for a long time and that she have the biggest miracle baby since Mary had that baby.   she SAY that people believe it but she
 say she don't want to EXPLOIT the baby yet so she gonna wait til she four months old to put her in front of cameras.  That's just how she think.  Cause you shouldn't be in front of cameras from the time you were born.  And I don't know if I told you but Fortune name her baby after  Tina's middle name, Cher.  Damn, it was SOMETHIN about Tina that I wanted to tell you about.  I can't remember.

Mary call me today from Dolores Park durin that big, gay party and she say she seen Shakey's younger brother Stable rollin around with some dude on a pink blanket sprayin water on each other.  I'm just sayin.  They could have been suckin each others dicks and THAT would have been just as gay, but maybe even not!  Stable always had such pretty girls with him. 

I need to go, there a conclusion of Deal or No Deal on at 9AM on GSN, and I need to make sure I get up in time.  This bitch either gonna win $2 or $750, 000.  Them cable bitches took my TIVO away, so I need to be awake.

I'll call you tomorrow

Thursday, June 11, 2009


And I don't mean "Tina is dead" the way I meant it when I found out she ate that last piece of chocolate from my Whitman's Sampler OR the way I meant it when I found out she sucked every dick I sucked AT THE SAME TIME I was sucking it.  Well, not at the SAME TIME but DURING the time I was sucking it.   ANYWAY, Tina died.  That's all I know right now.  She dead.  And there a chance that she was huffing shit at Bibbie's the afternoon she died but that is just a rumor and YOU KNOW I aint into rumors.  But I got TWO calls about how Tina ain't with the living no more.  God rest her nasty soul.  I'll get back to you with details.

Saturday, June 6, 2009


Oh Girl sometime I wish I live in North Dakota with you cause then I wouldn't have to put up with no insane in the dumb brain shit that I gotta put up with since Fortune have that baby. I think the hospital or Facebook should have made her take a "are you ready to be a parent" test or some test that tests your parenting before they release her into the wild.   I'm just sayin, FOUR DAYS after she have the baby......  they got that big earring convention in Sacramento that Fortune go to every year.  And I THOUGHT that maybe she just say fuck it and not go cause she just had that baby AND because she didn't say nothin ABOUT goin.  And YOU KNOW she wake up that mornin and say "Hey bitch you gotta look out for my baby cause i'm goin to the earring convention."  And then she went!  And AT FIRST I thought it would be alright..4 day old baby for 6 hours,  but then i remember... and YOU KNOW what I'm talkin about... Fortune hook up with some dude EVERY year at the earring convention!!!  That bitch stick me with that baby for a day and a half!!!  I dropped it off at Tina's and let Tina's baby play with it.  I think they had fun.  

Anyway, I don't remember if I told you but Fortune never ended up cuttin off Jimmy Doolittle's
balls. I guess she couldn't get at his balls so she just stab him twice in the stomach instead. And I thought I fuckin piss myself into a coma when they was wheelin her out of the hospital and that petal head come walkin up like he even care he the baby daddy OR he a day late, OR that maybe there a chance that Fortune aint gonna be pissed. And right as Fortune seen him she take out that knife that Julie give her for her baby shower and stab him twice in the stomach.  Girl, knife in one hand, baby in the other...and the wheelchair never stopped moving!  That bitch stabbed Jimmy twice as the nurse was wheeling her out and that nurse never even seen it.  YOU KNOW Fortune good with a knife!!!  I just look  back and laugh at him.  

Fortune say she still gonna stick with that Immaculate Conception story and maybe call People Magazine in the morning but I think that she ain't gonna look very angelic once people find out she stab Jimmy Doolittle.  Cause YOU KNOW he gonna tell.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Fortune Had Her Fuckin Baby

Well it finally happen and Fortune finally had that damn baby and I swear on a chicken that if it had gone on for three more minutes I would have claw scratched some bitch.  That bitch Fortune said that her man Jimmy Doolittle gonna be in the operating room and then Jimmy Doolittle don't SHOW UP to the operating room and then Fortune start screaming how she gonna cut his balls off!  She screamed about it ALL DURING her labor from Sunday morning til 8:00 tonight!!! And since he didn't show up that bitch made me go in the labor room with her!  And YOU KNOW that I don't even LIKE horror movies.  But she make me do this shit.  AND I AM TELLING YOU, she talk THE WHOLE TIME about cuttin off them balls.  Every push, every grunt, every moan... in between EVERY one of those she screaming about them balls. I ain't even gonna tell you all the methods she had for doing it,  I'm just sayin that I ain't even gonna be able to look at no mans dick for A WHILE cause RIGHT NOW if I look at a man's balls I am just gonna think of Jimmy Doolittle gettin his balls cut off.  And I ain't into that shit! Just sayin.

Anyways, Fortune have a girl and that's good cause then when she older Tina's baby can babysit her. And she only weigh 5 and a half pounds. pounds.  How a 5  pound baby put you in labor for three days?  And where do a five pound baby come from in Fortune's family.  I'm just saying, I had a DAY, and i need to sleep.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Tina off the Hook

Well lucky for Tina, I heard they arrested, tried, and convicted some bitch for that MUNI eye pokin out incident.  And it is about time cause I am TIRED of being scared when I'm wit Tina on the MUNI that she gonna get caught and that they gonna see right through Crystal's wig and KNOW it Tina and ARREST her for pokin that dude's eyes out and ARREST me cause I'm stupid enough to be ON MUNI with Tina.  Anyway, they caught some bitch lightin fires on the back of the N Judah and I guess she look enough like Tina so when they arrest her for lightin fires they arrest her for pokin out that dudes eyes too.  And even though that dude can hardly see no more, he picked the bitch out of a lineup.  I think that bitch need to be off the streets anyway, so it's good she got a few more years added to her sentence.  Why the fuck someone light fires on the N Judah?  That's just a crazy person.  At least when Tina poke that dude's eyes out she had a REASON.

So Fortune due with the baby this week and she ain't shut the fuck up about it since she called me at 12:01 am on Sunday.  "I know it's comin, that baby is comin!"  I wish the doctor told that bitch that she was due in July cause then I might have some peace.  Girl, you should see her Facebook page.  She got pictures of drawings she made of what she think the baby gonna look like when it born.  And I hope the baby don't look NOTHIN like the pictures she drew cause them drawings is ugly.  I'm just saying.

Tina volunteered my place for the American Idol Finale Party we have every year.  And I TOLD
HER that I ain't puttin up with any shit this year about her saying she gonna bring the wine and then she not bring the wine.  I told her that she need to call me from Trader Joes and let me talk to the check out person who will verify that Tina is buying wine.  I told her....no call, no party.  And I TOLD HER to make sure she get extra cause Showcase is bringing 2 gay dudes with her and they all gonna be cheering on that gay
 dude on there and probably drinkin extra.  It gonna be too much.   

Sunday, May 3, 2009

This Is The Bitch (PART TWO)

Girl, you missed it and you missed ALL of it AND the champagne from Trader Joes AND the chance to do ANYTHING you wanted with Mary's brother Wylie cause he was up for doin ANYTHING with ANY bitch that wanna do ANYTHING with him at Tina's birthday party.  And I KNOW there's shit you wanna do with him cause you told me you did.  I'm just sayin that if someone needed to piss at Tina's party then they had to piss in the alley next to her house cause Wylie was fuckin every bitch at the party in the bathroom.  I pissed on my shoes....twice.   But that ain't even what I'm talkin about.
I'll call you and TELL you all the details from the party but girl I needed to SHOW you this.  You remember that bitch who threw a penny at my head a couple a months ago at the bar?  Well me and Showcase was walkin back to her place after Tina's party and we was all drunk and laughing and yellin shit about Wylie, and Showcase smashed in a car window the way she do, and THEN we walkin up Divis and we hear this CRYIN in the street.....it was like "MAMMA  mamma help me. !!!  I can't get up....HELP ME BITCHES!".....or SOMETHIN like that.  And I look down and it's that bitch who threw a penny at my head!!  And she FALLIN OUT of a baby stroller.  That bitch so drunk, she think she a baby or some shit.  What the fuck that bitch doin in a baby stroller at three in the morning?  And why the fuck that bitch asking for MY help.  I said "GIRL..." and then I couldn't think of nothin else to say so I just took out my camera and took her picture.  Then Showcase spit her gum in the bitches hair.  Like I said, I'll call you.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Don't Bother

Well, even though you ain't comin, we still got everything set for Tina's surprise party on the 28th...INCLUDING 6 bottles of champagne that I got from Trader Joes that you ain't even gonna have none of cause you a promise breaker.  I thought that maybe I get over you sayin you not comin but girl I ain't over you sayin you not comin.   I'm just...well, YOU KNOW,...sayin.  Mary and Nancy got all the decorations, and Julie thought it be funny if we got Shakey to do a stripper dance when he dressed like a cop but I said ain't nothin funny about a guy in a cop uniform being THAT CLOSE to Tina at a time like this.  Don't matter if it Skakey or not.  If she see a cop uniform, she either gonna run or shoot.  And I don't want to see neither.  

Saturday, April 25, 2009

I'm Just Sayin

PLEASE, correctify me if I am wrong, but didn't you say you was gonna fly back here on the 28th for Tina's birthday?  Well I DON'T KNOW why I got a message on my phone tonight saying that YOU WASN'T flyin back on the 28th for Tina's birthday.  Cause I just remember huggin you at the metal detectors at the airport when you left and YOU sayin "See you on the 28th of April for Tina's birthday" and that is the LAST memory I got of you.  I'm just sayin, it ain't right.  And I can't even tell Tina that you ain't comin for her PARTY cause it a SURPRISE party and I can't be saying "That bitch ain't comin to your surprise party, Teen".  You don't stop.  And don't give me no shit about no excuse cause I KNOW you ain't workin and you STILL got money from that scratcher ticket you won on.  I can't even tell Fortune cause she so hormonal that she probly go into fake labor again.  I'm just sayin.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Jimmy Doolittle, Baby Daddy

Girl, do you remember Showcase's friend Jimmy Doolittle?  He that dude with that red Corvette that always wanna take every bitch he see ridin in his car and then you go ridin in his car and then he pull his dick out after about four blocks of drivin.  I went ridin wit him like 6 times and EVERYTIME it was the same thing....by the time we hit Divis, he had it out and was 
bangin it against the steering wheel.  He'd start honking the horn with his dick to get my attention.   You ever go riding with him?  I don't know if you did but if you did then you would KNOW that he could steer that car AND get shit out of the glove compartment with his dick!  I seen it and I'm pretty sure you seen it too, but I don't know for sure so I ain't even just sayin.  

Anyway, Showcase say that Jimmy Doolittle might be Fortune's Baby Baby Daddy Daddy even though Fortune keep sayin that it's a Immaculate Conception. Did you hear about that shit? Fortune say that she ain't even been with nobody that she remember about for months around the time the kid was conceived and she say she havin some kind of "special" baby.  You KNOW 
it is!  That bitch just tryin to pimp out her baby before it even born.  She say she gonna do talk shows and that she ain't gonna act like a crazy bitch like the Octomom.  Alright, Fortune.  You ain't got fucked but you havin a baby.  You don't sound like no crazy bitch.  That happen all the time.  She don't stop.

But I'm just sayin that Showcase say she watch that TV show "Busted on the Job" and she say she see a tape on there of this bitch who look like Fortune doin it with this dude who look like Jimmy Doolittle in the break room where he work.  And it was dated from August.  I'm gonna see if there a video on You Tube tonight.

Thursday, April 9, 2009


Girl, I want you to count in your mind all the times you remember Tina havin 911 call on her.  And now take that total and add one more.  And if your total ain't over 48 then your memory goin cause I got 67 times on my list, and YOU KNOW that I black out a lot so YOU KNOW it even higher than that.  I'm just saying that ONCE AGAIN when Tina should be actin all DL she need to feel like she need to get up in someone's face and make a scene and then have 911 called on her even when it don't even make no sense why she do it.  It ain't just me, is it?

Anyway, me and Tina went down to Giant Panda in the mall today and Tina order some shrimp a la mode or SOME Chinese shrimp shit that I don't never eat, but Tina order and she tell the
bitch at the counter that she want EXTRA shrimp...and she really did cause I heard her.  So the bitch ring her up and CHARGE her for the shrimp and YOU KNOW when that plate come out Tina open that box and count all them shrimps...1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6....and she didn't even get ONE extra shrimp even though that bitch charge her for 6 extra shrimps, and YOU know if Tina spendin two dollars extra on a meal she gonna make sure she get her money worth.  And Tina start screamin the way Tina start screamin "Where my extra shrimp bitch?!  Show and tell bitch, cause them extra shrimps I paid for is playin hide and seek.!"  I ain't kiddin...she talk all the time now in them phrases she make up.    Well you know how Tina get when she get ripped off.  She start sharpenin and pokin her chopsticks around in the bitches face and tellin that bitch workin there that she need to learn how to COUNT before she try takin her next job or there could be REAL trouble.  And YOU KNOW how sensative workin 
bitches are now...she take it as a threat, even though that's just the way Tina talk.  At the point anyway, THAT BITCH call 911 and start yellin 
about terroristic threats and shit and how she feel threatened by the shrimp bitch....she blew it all out of size and she didn't stop.  So the bitch hang up the phone with the 911 and come back over to us and tell Tina that the 911 is on their way and Tina look at her and say "NOW  WHAT?!?!?!....", like she ain't even scared.   That bitch is too much cause YOU KNOW if she even get picked up for spittin, she gonna be in jail for 20 years.  She just test people.  Tina just look at the bitch... then she just turn her head, slap down her hand on the counter, and yell real loud into the food court..."NEXT!!!!!!!!"  Tina know it take the cops like 7 minutes to get to a food court...she just fuckin with people.  

Sunday, March 29, 2009


Girl, I do not know if you could feel the earthquake we had here today all the way out in North Dakota but I am just sayin that it felt TO ME like you probly COULD feel it cause that shit shook my walls and almost knock down that vase I got from Valentines 2004, and YOU KNOW I'd start lightin shit on fire if anything ever happen to that vase.  Tina's baby almost knock down that vase one time and I make Tina take the baby home.  I shouldn't need to Super Glue my true love vase down to the table just cause Tina can't keep her baby down.  

Tina say she was at Fortune's when that earthquake hit and as soon as the walls start shakin, Fortune start actin like she in labor.  She callin 911...Yellin how "I'm stuck in a  Earthquake and I'm HAVIN MY BABY." And YOU KNOW She just thinkin she gonna have the first  "quake baby" or have her 911 tape played on Inside Edition or somethin and make money off it.  She don't stop.  I think the hospital is gettin pissed at her for comin in with so many fake labor stories and they SHOULD be pissed cause YOU KNOW they got more important shit to deal with like OD's, stabbings and people puking up blood on their shoes!  But that ain't how Fortune think.  I think the hospital should have a big poster of Fortune hanging up that say "I ain't due til May 19th..."  They should have a little countdown calendar there so they know EXACTLY how many days they got til they gotta REALLY put up wit that bitch when she in labor.  I HOPE she is filmin that shit and that she is filming ALL that shit and when she release it to theaters she don't even cut one second from it cause it is gonna be the best movie of the year and win a Oscar.  I'm just sayin.

Tina don't work at the Old Rust no  more.  Remember I told you how I thought that other bitch who work there piss in my drink and turn my Hypnotiq green?  Well I guess that put some idea in Tina's head cause the other day she had these bitches piss her off and YOU KNOW that usually she just spit in the drinks, but she take the tray right in the bathroom and she piss in their drinks!  But she so nasty about it...she take four pints of beer in the bathroom and she don't just piss a bit on them, she piss SO HARD into all four glasses that when she bring the tray back to the table, all the glasses got steam coming out of them!! She need to learn some tact when she piss in people's drinks.  I'm surprised she last two weeks...especially after that thing with that dude's camera that I didn't even tell you about and I ain't gonna right now either.  Ask me about it.  Anyway they fire her.

And I GUESS the MUNI people are still lookin for her and she is STILL wearin Chrystal's wig and I meant to tell you that Chrystal got a new BLACK wig and it don't go no better with her skin than that purple one.  She need a wig advisor or something.   But Shakey say he heard from his friend at 850 Bryant that a lot of evidence was lost in that earthquake and they might not have a case.  Tina so lucky all the time.  

Friday, March 13, 2009

Tina and Crystal...

Girl, you know that purple wig that Crystal always wear that she always think look natural but everyone else just say "What the fuck that on your head Crystal'?  Well right after Tina's wanted posters started get hung up on the MUNI underground Tina went over to Crystal's place and tell her that she need to borrow her wig for "protection".   Have you ever seen Tina in that wig?  She look JUST AS GOOD as Crystal do in that wig.  Meaning she look like she hear a dog barkin real loud somewhere while she get hit upside the head with a lawn chair.  I DO NOT understand why everything in Crystal's life need to be purple.  I KNOW that YOU KNOW what I'm saying.  Why Crystal still even wear that wig?  She bought it for $5, five years ago. Let it go Crystal cause we are tired of it. But that even what I'm talkin about.

ANYWAY, I don't think I told you that Tina FINALLY got a job.  You know that bitch down at the Old Rust doin cocktails who take that whole tray of drinks AND my Hypnotiq in the bathroom that time?  Well she beat the shit out of this other bitch workin there who was stealin her tips and that bitch ain't able to work no more for a few months so they need a replacement and she get Tina the job.  That's why Tina need the wig so bad.   YOU KNOW that a lot of people who ride MUNI go to the Old Rust and she don't need to take no chances.  I heard she gonna wear glasses too.  I love when Tina wear glasses.  That's when you know she fuck anyone.  

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Julie One Dumb Bitch

You know how yesterday I told you not to yell out "Tina" if you see one of them posters pasted up in the underground?  Well girl, I FORGOT you moved to North Dakota the day after we had that goin away party for you.  I guess there ain't no good chance that you gonna see Tina's "Wanted" poster on the underground there.  How IS the underground there anyway.  Do it run on time most of the time or is it late all the time like the  N Judah?

Anyway, I guess Julie didn't hear that Tina poked that dude's eyes out on the MUNI yesterday cause  Shirl call me today and she say that Julie down at Civic Center underground and YOU KNOW how Julie don't read real good?  Well that bitch walk right up to one of them posters and rip it down and start screamin about how she know where her "missing" friend is.  That bitch didn't even KNOW it was a "wanted" poster.  And YOU KNOW that almost everyone of that bitch's friends has been ON a wanted poster so YOU KNOW that SHE KNOW what a wanted poster look like. I AM JUST SAYIN!

Well Julie go runnin up the steps to that booth where them bitch ass, lazy, crossword puzzle doin, too annoyed to even press the "please enter" button bitches
 sit and she start screaming at this bitch about how she know where the "missing" lady at and that her name is Tina and that she just seen her at her apartment down in Lower Haight!!  That bitch did everything cept give Tina's Social Security number.  But I ain't even sure Tina HAVE a Social Security number.  Shirley said that Julie said that about 9 seconds after she say she know where Tina at there was 4 cops IN HER FACE yellin about "the suspect" and about how Julie need to take them to her.  Well I guess because of their TONE or something, Julie realize that Tina was in trouble and not missing so she look at the picture again and say "Wait...no...that ain't even Gina.  I'm sorry, I thought it was Gina."  Then she just walk away.  I don't think the cops believed her.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Tina Pokes

Girl!  Girl, girl, girl, girl, girl!!!!  You remember that time you say that you would serve a sentence in jail up to and including TEN years if you could just ONE TIME smack Tyra Banks in the head with a Twinkie?  And we was with Shirley and Julie and Tina, and right after you say that, Julie say how she would go to jail if just ONE TIME she could pick up a nasty pissed in Dunkin Donuts to go coffee cup off the ground and throw it at Showcase's head, and then Shirl say she probly throw somethin  nasty at Showcase's head too, and then I FINALLY realize that nobody really like Showcase.  But I ain't even talkin about that.  

You remember how on that night Tina braggin about how she don't never pay for no MUNI and say that if  "any of them bitches" checkin for a MUNI Pass or transfer ever get in her face when she on the train then she say she gonna pull their hair and spit in their eye?  And remember
 how I said I bet you ten dollar she do it in the next 3 months and then you said that Tina ain't even stupid enough to do shit like that and you bet against me?  Well ten dollars to me girl cause from what I HEARD from Shirley, they got Tina's picture plastered all over all the underground stops cause today Tina jumped on the N Judah and she don't have no transfer or Fastpass or no shit and when the dude came up and ask her for it, Tina just poke both her pointer fingers into the ticket checker dude's eyes and run out the back door.  Now they say he might not never see again but they ain't sure cause they ain't even sure if they could save his eyes, let no loan his sight.  Anyway, I'm just sayin, if you see one of the "WANTED" signs, don't scream out "TINA!"

Saturday, February 28, 2009


Girl, I never thought Tina would be STUPID enough to try the shit she try today at the Designer Shoe Warehouse and witout even TELLING me she gonna do it first but I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN something was up when Tina didn't have on her purple high tops when we was shoppin cause YOU KNOW she always wear them sneaks when we go down to Union Square.  And when we met up outside Walreens I DID notice she was wearin that pair of black slip ons that Fortune left at her place one night, and I KNOW that YOU KNOW what pair I'm talkin bout cause Fortune bring them up every time she talk to anyone or email anyone but that bitch ain't ever gone right up to Tina in the year and a half since she left them at Tina's and say "Tina gimme my fuckin shoes back." She just bitch about how Tina never give them back.   I'm just sayin that if Fortune was too fucked up to not know she didn't have no shoes on when she left that party at Tina's, well then maybe Fortune don't deserve to own them shoes.  

Anyway, me and Tina looked at shoes for a while and I didn't see nothin I wanted and I THOUGHT that Tina didn't see nothin SHE wanted but right as we  was walkin out the
front door I seen something hangin off the back of Tina's shoe.  And as soon as I said "Hey Teen, what's that....", girl, that fuckin alarm start goin off and I see Tina's nice, new, bright white Reeboks wit security tags hangin off the back of them go jammin out the door!  
All Tina say is "RUN BITCH!"  And I just yelled "I don't NEED to run bitch!  I didn't steal no Reeboks".  I stood right outside and smoked a cigarette and watched Tina run UPHILL to get away.  I still don't know if she got away, I went over to the Old Rust.   She ain't called.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

She Don't Stop

Well I woulda written to you sooner if SOMEHOW my computer didn't just disappear last Thursday and SOMEHOW just reappear last night when Tina come over and I was in the bathroom.  I ain't EVEN kidding.  All I been doin all week is bitchin to Tina bout how my computer get stolen at that goin away party I had for you and then she think I ain't even gonna notice when it just all the sudden back on my desk when I come out from doing a piss?  I come out the bathroom and I see my computer and I look at Tina and I say "How the fuck my computer get back in here?!"  And Tina just say "What?", like she don't even know what the  fuck I'm talkin about.  And I say "Teen...Where the fuck my computer come from?"  And she start YELLIN at me bout how it been there the whole time she been there and that she think I'm crazy.  But I KNOW that her shady friend that she been fuckin took it during that party cause he the only shady person AT that party except for Crystal but she don't even know how to USE a computer.  I just dropped it and ONCE AGAIN did not call her ass out for bein a thief.  I'm just glad I got my computer back, even if it do have Tina's name carved into it.


Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Bitches and their bags

Did you hear what Tina did on that stairway today?  She too crazy and YOU KNOW she gonna end up in jail someday.  And I ain't even talkin about the times she already BEEN in jail OR on death row.  I'm talkin about the future which is something Tina DON'T NEVER think about.  And why she gotta get so mad over two bitches on the stairway at the Van Ness underground is beyond anything I even want to know about a person in their lifetime.  I'm just sayin, wit Tina it could be two bitches on the steps of Muni or it could be a priest in line at the liquor store, she will start shit wit any of them.  

So Tina was walkin UP the steps at Van Ness and I was walkin UP behind her and YOU KNOW that Tina is serious about the proper etiquette when you on the stairs or the escalator. You
 SEEN HER yell at people about "keep to the right bitch, pass on the left bitch", you know, you seen it.  Well we comin UP the steps at Van Ness and we keepin to the RIGHT against the railing and as we going UP these two bitches with big bags was walkin NEXT to each other going DOWN the stairs and the one bitch was too far over to her LEFT and just ignored the fact that Tina was even existing AND walkin up the steps and that bitch smack Tina right in her head with all three her bags!  Tina's head get slapped with The Gap, H&M, and Victoria's Secret all right in a row.  Smack, smack, smack!  Girl, I KNOW you just lit a cigarette cause YOU KNOW that some serious shit is about to happen.  I seen them bags hit Tina's head and I just look down at the floor like I drop my transfer or a quarter or something and I almost start laughin so I act like I seen Shirley and start yellin "HEY SHIRL!....SHIRLEY!" and I just run right back down the stairs to fake Shirley.  

WELL....that's when I seen the bags come flyin down the stairs and I hear that very recognizable sound of Tina beatin on some bitches.  So I'm hearin the slap slap slap and then I hear Tina scream down at me "Grab the bags and run!  Get that shit!"  So I did!  Me and Tina split the shit and I got a couple of nice sweaters.  Tina took all the Victoria's Secret shit.  Shakey gonna be real impressed.

Saturday, February 7, 2009


So me and Tina was down at Fortune's place to see how she doin wit her pregnancy and we was watchin TV and we seen that thing on the TV bout how MAD everyone in America and some of England is at that bitch that had them 8 octuptlet babies since she already got 6  sextuplet babies and she ain't got no job AND she live in her parents attic.  And Fortune say how she can't even imagine havin ONE baby and that if SHE end up havin 8 babies that she probly sell some of them or put some up for adoption.  And right as Fortune saying that, Tina butt in and start yellin at Fortune and sayin that SHE could bring up 8 babies wit no problem and she wouldnt even need no help from no one!  Fortune spit out her drink when she hear that!  I just picture Tina wit 8 baby strollers goin into the bar and then ME havin to count up 8 baby strollers when we leave.  She don't stop.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Frosted Flakes

J-Head call me today and ask me what the fuck happen with that waitress and I TOLD him that it's some nasty shit that that bitch bring Hypnotiq in the bathroom with her.  How she even wash her hands before returning at work?  She don't.  I told J-Head I want free drinks the next time we there.  AND I asked for that bitches schedule cause I ain't goin no more if she there.  I'm just sayin.

And I HOPE you didnt open them boxes of the Frosted Flakes that we got 2 for 1 at the Rite Aid sale with Michael Phelps on them cause I heard that Flakes dropped his ass for smokin weed and now them boxes gonna be worth BIG money in like 6 months.  So don't open em.  And Shirley call me today
and YOU KNOW how Shirley see somethin on the TV and then call all around til she find someone to talk to about the thing she seen on the TV and trap you on the phone for 20 minutes?  Well Shirley call ME today and she goin off about Frosted Flakes and
screamin in the phone that people who smoke weed eat 90% of the Frosted Flakes and that they ain't got no right to be droppin him and they crazy if they think Tony The Tiger gonna sell more boxes and how Tony probly smoke weed too or chew on catnip....you know how she get!  SHE THINK they need to put a picture of him smoking a bong right on the box.  I think she right.  I look at a box wit someone smoking a bong on it,  it make me hungry.  
Tina say she wanna go to the Chinese New Year parade this weekend but I ain't sure I'm goin.I ain't even sure it IS this weekend, but Tina say it is and she know her astronomy. But I been with Tina the last three times and I am tired of spending Chinese New Year in jail.  I just wanna go, look at some dragons, throw some fire crackers at little kids and have a couple drinks.  But Tina get all excited like it's HER new year, even though it ain't and she end up all wasted and offending people and then she end up in handcuffs and I spend my New Year bailing her out.  I need to start this Chinese New Year fresh.  

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Old Rust Cocktails

Well Tina finally call me and all I KNOW is that it's a good thing I didnt let her bring that dude into MY place cause he end up rippin off Tina and YOU KNOW she ain't even got shit worth takin.  She "SOLD" all her jewelry to that dude on the TV and a lot of her other shit burned in that fire from when she have that indoor barbecue on the 4th of July. Tina say the dude steal her walkman and one of her VCRs.  She lucky he didnt steal the baby.  I KNEW he was shady when I seen that blood on his shirt but YOU KNOW Tina don't never think about shit like that til she wake up missin a VCR.  
So last night I took Tina out for some drinks down at the Old Rust and you know how the owner J-Head start having waitresses at the table and how there that one bitch who work there always outside smokin and yellin at people and you lucky if you ever get a drink?  Well Tina
order two Hypnotiqs from the bitch and then she go around takin more orders and yellin at more people and like 20 minutes later I FINALLY seen the bitch come around with the tray of drinks.  So she bring one table some drinks, then she bring another table some drinks and then the bitch take the tray with the rest of the drinks on it and she go in the bathroom! That bitch took our Hypnotiqs in with her to piss or whatever she been doin in 
the bathroom.  So I see the bitch come out the bathroom and I look at the tray and right away I see that my Hypnotiq look kinda GREEN.  And there only ONE THING that gonna make my BLUE drink green and that's YELLOW!  So I stand right up and start goin off on the bitch and
screamin bout how she nasty and why the fuck she piss in my drink.  And I didn't care if that bitch suckin J-Heads dick or not cause she ain't got no right to be pissin in my drink!  Well right as I'm slappin the bitch in her head, Tina walk back in from havin a cigarette and start yellin at ME to calm down and she SPRITZnn and I start yelling at HER about how the bitch pissed in our drinks and Tina start yellin back at me about how she didnt order just Hypnotiq but she order some drink that Shakey invent called a HypnoDew.  Leave it to Shakey to invent somethin as fucked up as Hypnotiq and Mountain Dew!  That shit look and taste just like waitress piss.  I apologized to the bitch for hittin her but she still nasty to be bringin a tray of drinks in the bathroom.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Tina Get Horny

Girl, don't this just wipe your ass?  So after you left my Super Bowl party last night after the first 8 minutes cause you SAY you gotta pick up your Aunt at the airport, Tina finally show up after she get released from the hospital and she come in with some dude she hook up with in the emergency room!!  Did you already hear?  Tina was up in her hospital bed on the 5th floor at 3 A.M. Sunday morning and that bitch wake up all horny so she go down and start cruising the E.R!!  She don't stop.  She say she wake up around 2 and make some cocktails with that bottle of Smirnoff that Showcase give her as a forgiveness present for puttin her in the hospital and then the vodka got her all horny so she go to the E.R. cause she knew it would be busy and she could find some action behind a curtain. Tina end up doin it with some dude waitin for a doctor to sew up his stab wounds.  

Anyway, Tina bring this dude over after he get sewn up and she get released and YOU KNOW my rule about Tina bringing dudes to my place.... she can't bring no dude to MY house unless she know HIS address.  Cause if he rip me off in MY house, I will send SOMEONE to his house to get my shit back.  And I have done it!  But she try to bring this emergency room gigolo in MY house and I say to Tina that I KNOW his address ain't the emergency room even though he look like it could be.  I'm just sayin that I could probly mail him a letter TO the emergency room and he would get it pretty fast, but he don't store his shit there.  So she BEGGIN me to let him in and I SAID NO like 7 times and I told her that when she fuck him at HIS house then he can come back.   I still ain't heard from her. 

Saturday, January 31, 2009

Who the Fuck Dani?

I DO NOT KNOW who the fuck this nasty ass bitch Dani is who keep leavin them nasty ass comments in that last email bout how she gonna CUT UP my friends but I WILL let her know that if she don't stop then she WILL stop.  And YOU KNOW that shit is serious.  She say she gonna CUT Tina and I can tell by her tone that this bitch use a BIG knife.  And it is there in print and when we take her ass into court we will have it in print and then we convince the jury how SAD it is that this bitch would say she gonna cut up a bitch that in the hospital.  I'm just sayin, she probly spit on your Grandmom and not even feel bad about it!  I think I need one of them anti-virus things in my computer so bitches like that can't hack into my emails.

Friday, January 30, 2009


I don't mean to be rude or disrespectful to you or your family but that pizza I got last night from your sister's Baby Daddy Roberto's place taste like Spaghetti-O's and Wonder Bread!!  And I AIN'T KIDDIN cause I seen some little pasta alphabet letters in the sauce. That shit was limp. AND they didnt give me no pepper flakes!  That's just cheap ass pizza.   

Anyway, I didn't get to finish that story about the laundymat last night cause I had
 to eat AND PAY FOR that cheap ass pizza, even though I THOUGHT you say they hook me up. So the other night Tina slap Showcase down at that laundymat and say that shit about "The price ain't right" and Showcase get pissed with the Price is Right comment so she stand 
right back up and she slap Tina right back down and Tina STILL don't learn her lesson and she stand right up and get right in Showcase's face and she yell "Showcase Showdown, bitch!!!"
 AND TINA KNOW  that Showcase hate that Showdown shit.  That one time Showcase have house arrest was cause she beat down some bitch that said "Showdown".  And as soon as I hear Tina say it I say right at her face and I say it like a parent,  "Shut Up Tina!!!"   I know I always say she need to cut her sentence short but girl sometimes I think she be better if she cut her tongue right off.    But she know...she know to bring a jacket and she know not to say Showdown to Showcase. 

I ain't gonna get into all the details and shit but Tina figure that since Showcase beat the shit out of her and she back in the hospital now, she gonna sue Showcase for  $!!,000,0000,00.5 !
It don't stop!  All I KNOW is we all suppose to go to that Super Bowl party on Sunday and I HOPE that Showcase and Tina can be civil durin the game.