Thursday, January 21, 2010

Fortune's Baby Flew Away!

I do not know if this made it to the news out there yet but I am sure that it will and I would not be surprised if it make it to the news segment where they show dumb ass people doing stupid ass shit. All I know is that I cannot talk to anymore reporters or answer anymore questions from no one. I got me 2 frozen pizzas and a bottle of Tanquery in the kitchen and I don't even need to leave my apartment. Cause I know as soon as I do there gonna be some reporter IN MY FACE asking me questions about Fortune and why she ever allowed to have a kid.

Anyway, we been havin these piss down rainstorms and there been thunder AND lightning AND hail AND big winds and Tina even don't have no electric in her apartment cause a tree fell on the transformer or some shit. That's what she SAYS, but you know that bitch didn't pay her
bill. Cause I KNOW that she went to Bibbie's on Tuesday and got her finger nails AND her toe nails done and she paid extra for diamond flaked tips. She do this
EVERY winter, then she call people and say "Hey bitch, can I sleep at your place?" And I know that bitch ain't stayin with me. I got all my lights out so she can't tell I'm home. But that ain't even what I'm talkin about.

So Fortune decide that it be a good idea to take her baby for a walk right at the same time the sky was pitch black and ready to storm harder than it did in Wizards of Oz. I swear, I was at my front window and there go Fortune and the baby strollin down the street, that bitch hittin all the bumps in the sidewalk and I seen the baby start bouncin out of the stroller cause she ain't even got it strapped in. So I open my window and I start yellin "Fortune you crazy bitch!! Why the fuck you bring your baby out in the rain for?" And Fortune say "Oh, it's gonna rain?.....Girl you got a umbrella I could use?" So I gave her that giant umbrella we stole from the umbrella bucket at Bus Stop Burger but I SAID to her "Hey Fortune, why don't you take the baby home?" because that's something that someone who THINKS would say. And that bitch tell me that if the baby don't go for a walk in the stroller at 2 O'clock every afternoon then the little bitch is cranky all day. I told her that the baby gonna be MORE cranky if it drown in a flood or get hit by lightning but she didn't care.

Well I ain't back to watching Deal or No Deal for but 5 minutes and then my doorbell ringing and ringing and ringing and I hear "GIRL...THE BABY. HELP ME GET THE BABY!" Yes she did, she said "get" the baby. Which mean that the baby probably ain't in the stroller no more. Or that the baby IS in the stroller but the stroller is floatin down the street. So I run outside...IN THE RAIN...and there Fortune...WITHOUT the Bus Stop Burger umbrella...and she screaming and pointing and running and screaming. And we get down the street and I look up and there Fortunes baby, holding the umbrella and stuck up in a tree. That bitch said it was too hard to carry the umbrella AND push the baby stroller so she make the baby hold the umbrella. They didn't even make it 2 blocks before that baby got swooped up and stuck in that tree in front of the fish store. Girl, there was police and ambulance and news vans andevery nosy bitch in the neighborhood and it was a mess. Fortune just lucky the baby only got minor scratches cause they gonna be watching her ass.

Saturday, January 16, 2010


Girl, you remember that one time we went to the Janet Jackson concert with Tina and the WHOLE TIME Tina keep yelling out "Control!...PLAY CONTROL!" and she don't stop yelling it and no matter what song come on next Tina keep yelling it and the WHOLE TIME she do the Control dance even when Janet was singing "Let's Wait Awhile"? Do you remember how much everybody hate us just cause we standing with Tina? (And I KNOW you do remember cause that's the night YOU pissed your jeans in the parking lot and said it was MY fault.) Anyway, everybody hatin us, tellin Tina to shut the fuck up or they gonna throw beer on her and THEN they throw beer on her and THEN Tina kicked that bitch in her knee and put her down... that night did not stop at all. I ain't been to a concert with Tina since. So it don't make no sense why I called Tina and ask her to go see Avatar with me. Girl, I won 2 free tickets off the radio... 10th caller, hey!...

So me and T are there and right away, even before the lights was turned down, Tina start
yelling about how "big the motherfuckin screen is" and she talkin to EVERYONE around her and she say "you ever seen a screen that big? I AIN'T NEVER SEEN A SCREEN THAT BIG. THAT MOTHERFUCKER GO FLOOR TO THE ROOF!!!!!!!" And I could TELL that not one person around her WANT her to be talking to them and I could tell by the looks on their faces how they KNOW this bitch gonna be loud and ruin their Avatar experience, and them bitches
were not wrong.

So the lights go down and Tina shut up and she start shushin
other people to be quiet (cause she got nerve) and then someone shushed her back and YOU KNOW that Tina ain't even gonna let someone have the last shush so she let out a low "Uhhh Uhhhh" to send them a little warnin. Well I ain't even got to tell you that as soon as that movie start and as soon as that first dude's head pop out of the screen, Tina start standin up and clappin like she at a Chippendale show. She reachin her hands out to the screen and rubbin the dude's face, and poking his eyes and then she pucker up her lips like she kissing him. And everytime she do something she yell "Look girl, I can kiss his lips. Look girl, I can pick his nose." So I just grabbed her and pulled her to her seat and that bitch wasn't down for 45 seconds and she start yelling "Damn Girl, that shit floatin out the screen like that demon that fly out of my TV and go in my bedroom! That just what it looked
like." That's when the people start shushing her again and saying shit about how they pay $15 to see the movie and shut the fuck up. I just told Tina that I was going to get some popcorn and I didn't go back. I end up sittin in the back row on the aisle so I could have some peace. Tina didn't make it too far into the movie before they tell her she got to leave. And I ain't even gonna get into the fit she threw when they told her to go. Mmmmmm.

Monday, January 11, 2010


LOOK... I DON'T CARE what happen last year. I DON'T CARE about none of it. I mean, at the TIME it bottered me but then my new girl Fleece say "Girl, you don't got to care about none of that no more", so I DON'T CARE. Don't care bout all them lies that Tina told on all them different times, don't care whose dick Showcase sucked, and I don't even care if the right baby is with the right mama, as long as ONE baby is with ONE mamma. This is a new YEAR, and I don't know if you know BUT it is a new DECADE and I ain't got no time for no stupid shit in the new decade. And I'm gonna TELL that to Tina if she don't shut the fuck up about her possessed bedroom. Girl, did I tell you this already cause I don't think I did but I think I told it to Showcase but that was face to face. I guess I didn't tell you.
Well the other night Tina rent that scary movie Paratrooper Activity about them people with the possessed bedroom. Or maybe the whole house is possessed. I don't know cause I ain't seen it and I don't WANT to see it because I have SEEN Tina and Shakey's sex tape and THAT is the scariest shit ever caught on film in a bedroom. You seen it? I think it's on the internet. There a version of it on You Tube but they blurred out Shakey's dick... and the toys. Anyway, Teen calls me after she done watching Paralegal Activity and she all SCREAMING into the phone and she like HELP! HELP! And who KNOW what that mean with Tina. I'm just sayin, it could mean that she need a dollar for some lipstick OR that the baby on fire again. So Tina screaming and screaming and then she drop her phone and I still hear her screaming so I lit a cigarette and she STILL screaming, not saying anything about WHY she screaming, so I hung up and called 911 and I said "You need to send someone to Tina's".

Well that bitch smoked some weed and watch that movie ALONE in the DARK and each time she get more scared she hit more on the pipe and by the end of the movie where some shit fly out or something, Tina say that the shit fly OUT of her TV and into her
bedroom. I TOLD HER to get the shit that don't make her paranoid but she say that paranoia is fun. Unless you are ME and you got to call 911 on your crazy friend because she's screaming and won't say why. Well that whacked out huffer grab that baseball bat she got under her sofa and she start screaming and charging into the bedroom swinging that bat around breaking all her lamps and mirrors AND that vase with the dead flowers and the nasty fly water in it. She say she kept swinging the bat til she got the thing trapped in her bedroom closet. That's when she call me screaming and I call 911. Tina SAY that the 911 guys got the demon out but they didn't give her anything for her nerves. Now she think that the demon went in there and had babies and left them in the closet. She don't stop.