TINA IS DEAD!

And I don't mean "Tina is dead" the way I meant it when I found out she ate that last piece of chocolate from my Whitman's Sampler OR the way I meant it when I found out she sucked every dick I sucked AT THE SAME TIME I was sucking it.  Well, not at the SAME TIME but DURING the time I was sucking it.   ANYWAY, Tina died.  That's all I know right now.  She dead.  And there a chance that she was huffing shit at Bibbie's the afternoon she died but that is just a rumor and YOU KNOW I aint into rumors.  But I got TWO calls about how Tina ain't with the living no more.  God rest her nasty soul.  I'll get back to you with details.

(Un)Fortune(ate)

Oh Girl sometime I wish I live in North Dakota with you cause then I wouldn't have to put up with no insane in the dumb brain shit that I gotta put up with since Fortune have that baby. I think the hospital or Facebook should have made her take a "are you ready to be a parent" test or some test that tests your parenting before they release her into the wild.   I'm just sayin, FOUR DAYS after she have the baby......  they got that big earring convention in Sacramento that Fortune go to every year.  And I THOUGHT that maybe she just say fuck it and not go cause she just had that baby AND because she didn't say nothin ABOUT goin.  And YOU KNOW she wake up that mornin and say "Hey bitch you gotta look out for my baby cause i'm goin to the earring convention."  And then she went!  And AT FIRST I thought it would be alright..4 day old baby for 6 hours,  but then i remember... and YOU KNOW what I'm talkin about... Fortune hook up with some dude EVERY year at the earring convention!!!  That bitch stick me with that baby for a day and a half!!!  I dropped it off at Tina's and let Tina's baby play with it.  I think they had fun.  

Anyway, I don't remember if I told you but Fortune never ended up cuttin off Jimmy Doolittle's

balls. I guess she couldn't get at his balls so she just stab him twice in the stomach instead. And I thought I fuckin piss myself into a coma when they was wheelin her out of the hospital and that petal head come walkin up like he even care he the baby daddy OR he a day late, OR that maybe there a chance that Fortune aint gonna be pissed. And right as Fortune seen him she take out that knife that Julie give her for her baby shower and stab him twice in the stomach.  Girl, knife in one hand, baby in the other...and the wheelchair never stopped moving!  That bitch stabbed Jimmy twice as the nurse was wheeling her out and that nurse never even seen it.  YOU KNOW Fortune good with a knife!!!  I just look  back and laugh at him.  

Fortune say she still gonna stick with that Immaculate Conception story and maybe call People Magazine in the morning but I think that she ain't gonna look very angelic once people find out she stab Jimmy Doolittle.  Cause YOU KNOW he gonna tell.

Fortune Had Her Fuckin Baby

Well it finally happen and Fortune finally had that damn baby and I swear on a chicken that if it had gone on for three more minutes I would have claw scratched some bitch.  That bitch Fortune said that her man Jimmy Doolittle gonna be in the operating room and then Jimmy Doolittle don't SHOW UP to the operating room and then Fortune start screaming how she gonna cut his balls off!  She screamed about it ALL DURING her labor from Sunday morning til 8:00 tonight!!! And since he didn't show up that bitch made me go in the labor room with her!  And YOU KNOW that I don't even LIKE horror movies.  But she make me do this shit.  AND I AM TELLING YOU, she talk THE WHOLE TIME about cuttin off them balls.  Every push, every grunt, every moan... in between EVERY one of those she screaming about them balls. I ain't even gonna tell you all the methods she had for doing it,  I'm just sayin that I ain't even gonna be able to look at no mans dick for A WHILE cause RIGHT NOW if I look at a man's balls I am just gonna think of Jimmy Doolittle gettin his balls cut off.  And I ain't into that shit! Just sayin.

Anyways, Fortune have a girl and that's good cause then when she older Tina's baby can babysit her. And she only weigh 5 and a half pounds. pounds.  How a 5  pound baby put you in labor for three days?  And where do a five pound baby come from in Fortune's family.  I'm just saying, I had a DAY, and i need to sleep.

Tina off the Hook

Well lucky for Tina, I heard they arrested, tried, and convicted some bitch for that MUNI eye pokin out incident.  And it is about time cause I am TIRED of being scared when I'm wit Tina on the MUNI that she gonna get caught and that they gonna see right through Crystal's wig and KNOW it Tina and ARREST her for pokin that dude's eyes out and ARREST me cause I'm stupid enough to be ON MUNI with Tina.  Anyway, they caught some bitch lightin fires on the back of the N Judah and I guess she look enough like Tina so when they arrest her for lightin fires they arrest her for pokin out that dudes eyes too.  And even though that dude can hardly see no more, he picked the bitch out of a lineup.  I think that bitch need to be off the streets anyway, so it's good she got a few more years added to her sentence.  Why the fuck someone light fires on the N Judah?  That's just a crazy person.  At least when Tina poke that dude's eyes out she had a REASON.

So Fortune due with the baby this week and she ain't shut the fuck up about it since she called me at 12:01 am on Sunday.  "I know it's comin, that baby is comin!"  I wish the doctor told that bitch that she was due in July cause then I might have some peace.  Girl, you should see her Facebook page.  She got pictures of drawings she made of what she think the baby gonna look like when it born.  And I hope the baby don't look NOTHIN like the pictures she drew cause them drawings is ugly.  I'm just saying.

Tina volunteered my place for the American Idol Finale Party we have every year.  And I TOLD

HER that I ain't puttin up with any shit this year about her saying she gonna bring the wine and then she not bring the wine.  I told her that she need to call me from Trader Joes and let me talk to the check out person who will verify that Tina is buying wine.  I told her....no call, no party.  And I TOLD HER to make sure she get extra cause Showcase is bringing 2 gay dudes with her and they all gonna be cheering on that gay

 dude on there and probably drinkin extra.  It gonna be too much.   

This Is The Bitch (PART TWO)

Girl, you missed it and you missed ALL of it AND the champagne from Trader Joes AND the chance to do ANYTHING you wanted with Mary's brother Wylie cause he was up for doin ANYTHING with ANY bitch that wanna do ANYTHING with him at Tina's birthday party.  And I KNOW there's shit you wanna do with him cause you told me you did.  I'm just sayin that if someone needed to piss at Tina's party then they had to piss in the alley next to her house cause Wylie was fuckin every bitch at the party in the bathroom.  I pissed on my shoes....twice.   But that ain't even what I'm talkin about.

I'll call you and TELL you all the details from the party but girl I needed to SHOW you this.  You remember that bitch who threw a penny at my head a couple a months ago at the bar?  Well me and Showcase was walkin back to her place after Tina's party and we was all drunk and laughing and yellin shit about Wylie, and Showcase smashed in a car window the way she do, and THEN we walkin up Divis and we hear this CRYIN in the street.....it was like "MAMMA  mamma help me. !!!  I can't get up....HELP ME BITCHES!".....or SOMETHIN like that.  And I look down and it's that bitch who threw a penny at my head!!  And she FALLIN OUT of a baby stroller.  That bitch so drunk, she think she a baby or some shit.  What the fuck that bitch doin in a baby stroller at three in the morning?  And why the fuck that bitch asking for MY help.  I said "GIRL..." and then I couldn't think of nothin else to say so I just took out my camera and took her picture.  Then Showcase spit her gum in the bitches hair.  Like I said, I'll call you.

Don't Bother

Well, even though you ain't comin, we still got everything set for Tina's surprise party on the 28th...INCLUDING 6 bottles of champagne that I got from Trader Joes that you ain't even gonna have none of cause you a promise breaker.  I thought that maybe I get over you sayin you not comin but girl I ain't over you sayin you not comin.   I'm just...well, YOU KNOW,...sayin.  Mary and Nancy got all the decorations, and Julie thought it be funny if we got Shakey to do a stripper dance when he dressed like a cop but I said ain't nothin funny about a guy in a cop uniform being THAT CLOSE to Tina at a time like this.  Don't matter if it Skakey or not.  If she see a cop uniform, she either gonna run or shoot.  And I don't want to see neither.  

I'm Just Sayin

PLEASE, correctify me if I am wrong, but didn't you say you was gonna fly back here on the 28th for Tina's birthday?  Well I DON'T KNOW why I got a message on my phone tonight saying that YOU WASN'T flyin back on the 28th for Tina's birthday.  Cause I just remember huggin you at the metal detectors at the airport when you left and YOU sayin "See you on the 28th of April for Tina's birthday" and that is the LAST memory I got of you.  I'm just sayin, it ain't right.  And I can't even tell Tina that you ain't comin for her PARTY cause it a SURPRISE party and I can't be saying "That bitch ain't comin to your surprise party, Teen".  You don't stop.  And don't give me no shit about no excuse cause I KNOW you ain't workin and you STILL got money from that scratcher ticket you won on.  I can't even tell Fortune cause she so hormonal that she probly go into fake labor again.  I'm just sayin.