Tina Street

You know how we always say "Just cause Tina's crossin the street don't mean you should too"?   You know cause of that one time she cross against the light and got hit by that car.  But it is true and everyday I come into some situation with Tina and I always say to myself "Just cause Tina's crossin the street don't mean you should too".  Well after we get up today Tina say right away how she gonna find Shakey's shady cousin and how she gonna make him give our (MY) money back.  Girl I KNEW $20 a ticket was too cheap.  Anyway me and Tina walk over to Shakey's to see if Wiley there and RIGHT AT THE TIME me and Tina's walkin up Tina seen Wiley walkin out!  And you know the way Tina jump when she see a dollar on the ground?   That's how she jump at Wiley!  Tina just charge all up on him and grab him by his belt and throw him right on the ground. That dude was FLAT on his back.  Tina got her foot in his face screamin "NOW WHAT?"  Then she start saying how she want her (MY) money back and she start kickin the dude in the ribs and spittin on him and talkin bout how he BETTER have the money.  The dudes layin on the ground and cryin real hard and beggin her to stop and Tina kick him like 15 times and after the 15th time she kick him she realize it ain't even Wiley.  Tina there kickin the shit out of Showcases little brother Plinko.  Plinko start screaming "TINA!!!!!" but you know how she get once she get kickin.  She don't stop.  Tina kicks once, you know she kickin 5 times.    She felt bad when she realized and saw the blood on Plinko's face.  I hope Showcase ain't mad.

That's when the bad shit happen.  Tina go UP TO Shakey's front door and start bangin on it and makin noise and yellin motherfucker and sayin how she gonna get her money even if she have to burn the place down!  And that's when I said "Just cause Tina's crossin the street don't mean you should too".  As soon as I hear her say "burn down" and then put that brick through the window I just left.  I wasnt crossin that street.  Cause you know she serious.  I hope she didn't burn down Shakey's place, i got shit stored there.

On the Nation's Nerves

Well, me and Tina's back now but I still ain't sure I'm ready to look at you face to face because everytime I look at you I'm gonna think of how you made me suffer with Tina at the inauguration.  I ain't even told you that when we was listening to Barak Obama give his speech and he was sayin all that shit about buildin a brighter future, and fixing shit, and making America shine again, Tina start yellin "SHOW AND TELL BITCH!"  She all messed up on pain pills and mimosas, and everytime Obama say he gonna do somethin, Tina start yellin it.  And she still always say it twice. And NOBODY around us thought it was funny.  CAUSE IT WASN'T.  I ain't never been with somebody that was on my nerves and on the nerves of more people at one time than when Tina was on my and everyone elses nerves right then.  That bitch had people SHUSHING her and you know she don't like people shushing her so she start yellin about how it's her President too, and how every voice count and how she got a right to free speech and how it say so in the Bible.  She need to shut up sooner.  Then all the millions of people around us got a attitude to ME cause I'm her friend and I should do something about her.  And YOU KNOW I wanted to tell people to fuck off but Tina was acting so bad and I knew they was right to be pissed so I told a lot of people that she was crazy and that's why she screamin and have her head wrapped up in pink.  I told them she was from a "home".  I'm just sayin, I don't know what pain pills she on, but they don't mix with mimosas.  That girl need to stick to beer wit that shit. 

And I KNOW you heard that the two tickets I THOUGHT I had to the Presidents Ball turned out to be fake.  And YOU KNOW as soon as Tina see Shakey's shady cousin Wiley who

 sold us them tickets she gonna kick his ass.  Cause we went up to that ball and even though we slept in a box the night before we still look good.  And then we get up to the door and give the dude the tickets and he get all up on his radio right away for security and then they drive us away on a cart and then they lock us in a room and ask us bout WHERE we bought the tickets!  Tina said we got em from Shakey's shady cousin but she say she didn't know his name.  They just let us go after that and told me to make sure I got her back safely.  

Well, we back now.  And I guess I forgive you but you better gimme some weed or somethin.  I'll probly call you.

Inauguration

I know, that you know, that I am mad as FUCK at you.   I TOLD YOU not to tell Tina that the other ticket to the inauguration didn't get stolen.  Me and you was all set to go to Washington DC and then the first thing you say to her when you first seen her on Saturday Night at that meat party... "Hey Tina, you hear that other ticket didn't really get stolen?"  Then Tina start yellin at ME  bout why ain't I told her yet and I had to look at her and LIE and say that I was savin it as a surprise.  I TOLD YOU I didn't want Tina to go with me with her head all wrapped up in them pink bandages.  I'm just saying, I don't think YOU wanna be walking around with someone who look like that and that people is gonna stare at.  And I TOLD  her maybe she could wear a wig or somethin so she'd look less embarassing but she say that the doctor say that you can't wear no wig over the bandages cause your head can't breathe and if your head can't breathe then your scalp could fall off. And that can be dangerous.  But since YOU open your big mouth I had to take Tina to the inauguration and I know you heard everything from Tina already.  I'm just saying, if she tell you that it's MY fault for what happen on Wednesday night, well she lie.She a lying bitch and she can lick my ass if she gonna try and say it was my fault. You KNOW that every time either one of us ever get arrested it always Tina's fault.  I got arrested for shoplifting once when Tina stuck them Whitman's Samplers in my bag without me knowing.  I get arrested and she go free. She don't stop. All I know is this time that bitch is payin me back for the bail money, I don't care if she got hospital bills.  Which she do.   

And I know you already heard that on the way there Tina took them wire cutters she always carry and snapped the wire that kept her jaw shut.  I told her she shouldn't do it but you know how she always say she good at performing minor surgeries.  That doctor gonna be more pissed than I was when I had to hear Tina NAG the whole trip.  

And I KINOW you heard that we didn't even get no hotel room in

Washington DC.  Maybe someone could have told me that all the hotels a be crowded. One night we slept in a box in some bushes and one night Tina gave some dude a massage at his place and he let us sleep on his floor.  Then of course the 2 nights we spent in jail, so we didnt have to worry about no place to sleep.   I'm just saying that I guess there were more people in Washington than I thought they be and if i go to the inauguration again next year I'm gonna call for a room in like December.  

Anyway, like I say before, don't believe Tina if she say it was my idea to steal that car.  She been naggin the whole day about how she cold and how she don't feel like walkin no more and how her bandages hurt and she think she sick.  Then she seen this dude get out of his car to go into the 7-11 and he leave the car running and Tina start yelling at me to "get in the fuckin car" and she jump in the drivers side so I jump in the other side and we got about 2 blocks down the street when Tina hit that hot dog cart.  And we would have gotten away

if she ran over the hot dog vendor dude too but she didn't and he waved down the police. But Tina tryin to say that I MADE HER steal the car and that I was punching her arm when she was driving and that why she crash.  I'm just sayin that if you had kept your mouth shut and didn't say anything about that ticket then I wouldnt have gone to jail.  And they only let us go after just two days cause they found out that Tina was the woman on death row for 48 hours and they didn't need all the publicity of havin a celebrity like her locked up in their jail during inauguration week.  I'll tell you about it more tomorrow if I feel like it.

Dinner at Tina's

FIRST, Tina said she excited to see you at that dinner tomorrow at her house and she told ME to tell YOU that you better not be bringing some cheap ass meat like salisbury steak or ground beef. She tell me to tell you that we should have AT LEAST a T-bone.  Tina say she got all the condiments but if you want potatoes and vegetables then you better pick them up too.  And she need some napkins.  I don't know how she already go through that whole jumbo pack of napkins that Lulu stole from the restaurant and give to her.  Tina probly use them for diapers on the baby.  Oh, and if you want to drink anything you should probly pick it up on your way.  Tina said she don't care if her jaw wired shut, she eatin them steaks.  Oh, did I tell you?  Tina want 2 steaks for herself.  She don't stop with the steaks.

SECOND, right before they let Tina out of the hospital today they put some new bandages on her head and they let her pick what color bandages she want to go home wearin and Tina say 

she want pink!  Tina's head all wrapped in pink bandages lookin like a walking cotton candy.  She crazy.  Anyway, she ain't got her whole face covered no more, the bandages is just wrapped around the top of her head like a turban and then the bandages wrap under her chin and up over her head, then her jaw all wired shut and then she STILL got that dick mark on her face.  So she still look a little weird.  And YES, they did (FINALLY!) shave that weave off her head.  It in some hazardous waste garbage bag in the basement of the hospital. Her weave probly tryin to fight it's way out  the bag. I'm just sayin that it's probly alright if you tell her it's cool that her head bandages match her braces but don't say she look like cotton candy.

Don't forget, we leave for the inauguration on Sunday.  AND REMEMBER...it ain't 72 degrees in Washington DC like it is here.  I got sunburned today! I heard it's A LOT colder in A LOT of 

places but I ain't sure cause I ain't seen the news cause I been outside enjoyin the weather. Tina scribbled on a napkin that she heard it's colder than freezing on the East Coast and that frozen things like lakes is gettin a extra layer of freeze.  So bring socks!  I'll see you at Tinas. 

Dick Face

Well, day 2 of Tina still havin her mouth tied shut and I gotta tell you I ain't ever enjoyed being her friend more.  It's so much better when she can't complain about faggots or go on about how she think that sometimes Shakey's just using her.  That just tire me out.  They took her bandages off today to put on fresh ones and I dont know what the fuck Showcase talking about with internal injuries cause Tina got a scar on her face the size and shape of Johnny Case's dick.  That shit starts at her mouth and wraps right around the back of her head. And I ain't saying that Tina was suckin Johnny Cases dick when she hit that pot hole and then hit her head on the roof and then on the steering wheel, I'm just sayin that after the bandages came off she look like she had a indentation of Johnny Case's dick on her face.  And when Tina drink her dinner through a straw and sucks her cheeks in the dick do a little dance on her face.  It's cute!  I TOLD HER that you promised to be at her apartment on Saturday to be at her welcome home party and you'd bring them steaks we talked about before.  Just make sure you don't make any Mummy jokes...she dont think they funny.

Only five days til I leave for the inauguration.  Do you think I should book a hotel room 

now or wait til I get there?  Let me know.  I wanna get somethin real close to the Washington monument.  I'll tell you on Saturday if you can have the extra ticket. And if I DO ask you to go, don't tell Tina.  I told her I got robbed and someone stole one of the tickets.

If Tina could open her mouth...

It is beyond me how you think that anyone believe that you "lost your neighbor's dog" right before you was supposed to go with me to the hospital to see Tina and then you "found" the dog right at the same time I got to the hospital.  I ain't sayin it didn't happen, I'm just sayin.  Anyway, Tina was pissed that you didn't come and I swear that if her jaw wasn't wired shut and she could open her mouth she would have bitched about you the whole time.  I seen it in her eyes.  You know how her eyes get!  Even with all them bandages on her face you could still see her eyes and they was mad that you wasn't there.  I TRIED tellin her about that "lost dog" but from what I could tell from her eyes, she didnt believe it either.  All I know is there ain't NO WAY she goin to the inauguration with me cause she ain't even gettin her face bandages off til the 23rd!  And I ain't gonna be showin up at the inauguration after parties with Tina all wrapped up, walkin around Washington DC like its Halloween.  That's embarrassing.  

Anyway, I guess Showcase was right and Tina almost DID bite her tounge off!  I KNOW

 you picturin it right now, Tina wit no tounge!  Mmmmmmmmm.  Stop.  That girl  need her tounge to make her living.  She lucky her teeth didnt bite right through it.  She wrote me a note on a napkin that she wanna sue Shakey's brother.  Tina wrote it right on the napkin...sue Shakey's brother...then she start tappin her pen real hard on it.  TAP TAP TAP.....TAP TAP TAP...  And I could TELL she was tappin out "SHOW AND TELL" cause she tapped the napkin three times each time she did it.  She actin like her wildest dream came true and she can finally sue Shakey's brother for all he's worth. What kind of case is she gonna make out of that and what the fuck does she think she gonna get out of Shakey's brother?  A car with no back windows?  She don't stop, even all bandaged up.

Tina had a accident!

Well I know how your phone always get shut off from the 11th to the 15th so I didnt even try to call you when I heard.  Did you hear?  Tina borrowed Shakey's brothers old piece of shit Cutlas so she could go see some friend way down San Bruno Ave and I don't know what kind of FRIEND she got way down San Bruno Ave but I THINK it got somethin to do with that shit she make in her basement.  Anyway, Tina was drivin down San Bruno in Shakey's brothers car and she hit this big pothole.  And YOU KNOW that old piece of Shakey shit Cutlas don't have no shocks, that car ain't had no shocks or back windows ever since he bought it.  Well I guess when Tina hit that pothole her head bounced up and hit roof of the car and then bounced back down and smacked the steering wheel and I think the combination of the two things is why Tina got her jaw wired shut now.  All I know is Tina ain't going with me to the inaguration if her jaw is still wired shut cause I don't need everyone starin at us.  And I want to drink when I'm there and I AIN'T drinkin with Tina if she taking pain killers AND drinkin her beer through a straw.   Well I didnt have a chance to stop and see Tina at the hospital  but Showcase did and Showcase said that most of Tinas injuries are Internal so it's not that bad. And her head all wrapped like a mummy.  And she said Tina almost bit her tounge off but I aint gonna start spreadin that around cause YOU KNOW how Showcase like to exagerate.  Well I guess I got my wish from the other day when I say "Tina needs to learn to shut the fuck up".  I'll meet you tomorrow and we'll go see her at the hospital.