This is the bitch!

THIS is a picture of that bitch who threw a penny at my head that night at the bar.  I ain't sayin that you should be lookin out for her or throwin nickels or quarters at her head, I'm just sayin that THIS is the bitch.  And she probly dont even KNOW how much it hurt when someone throw a coin at your head when they all drunk.  And I AINT saying that she need to find out, I AINT askin no one to use her as target practice when she just tryin to have a good time at the bar, I'm just saying that this is the bitch.  And the bitch is lucky that Tina wont at the bar that night cause YOU KNOW Tina woulda fucked up that bitches smile.  

FRESH

IF I TELL YOU NOT to tell then I KNOW that I can trust you NOT to tell especially if tellin would mean that Tina would beat the shit out of me.  Cause she would.  And she has.  But I'M JUST SAYIN that you cannot "show and tell."  This just between me and you and I wouldnt  even be tellin you this right now if Fortune didn't give me that painkiller right before we drank them Hypnotiqs when we was at the bus stop waitin for the N Judah.   Anyway, You know how Tina's apartment always smell like "a extra fresh day".  You know what I mean?  Sometimes her apartment smell like Masingail's. AND I AINT THE ONLY ONE WHO THINKS SO.  I remember we was over there with Julie one time and she said right out loud, "It smell like douche in here".   And I ain't saying that's BAD but her place just got this really nice, clean smell that's OBVIOUSLY coverin up some nasty stench. Just like Masingail's.  Me  and Showcase was even talkin about that the other night when she wasn't throwing up and she told me that Shakey caught Tina up at the laundromat taking out all of the used dryer sheets from out of the dryers and stuffin them in her pocket.   And you know how Shakey think he all what the ladies want and how he all platinum card even though you lucky if he got $12 in his pocket?  And you know how Tina will fuck Shakey any time she see him? Well, they ended up back at Tina's place and Shakey said that Tina's place was a mess but she taped them used dryer sheets to the back of her fan and then turned on the fan so all the scent from the sheets would get sucked out and spread around her apartment.  She don't even know you supposed to use NEW ones when you do that.  That's why her place smell like Masingail's.

Showcase is shady

Remember how I told you how me, Tina, Showcase, and Shirl was going to that bar Boo Boo's on Divis on Christmas Eve because Showcases friend Uni was workin there and she could get us free shots as long as we paid for our beers and bought two burgers?  You SAID you was gonna meet us there and you didn't, but whatever, I'm just sayin that we ordered a lot of beers so we got A LOT  of shots.  And I know that you don't know Showcase that well but YOU KNOW from them couple of times you been out with Showcase that she CANNOT DO shots.  You was with us the night she did shots of all the colors of the rainbow and then she threw up a rainbow on my new sneakers and she STILL ain't paid me for them sneakers she puked on.  But that aint even what I'm talkin about.  I'm just sayin that NEXT YEAR I ain't hangin out with Showcase if she do shots.  Cause she was all drunk, and after the bartender give last call, Showcase invite everyone back to her boyfriends place for a afterparty!!!  And everyone was all into it and yellin "party" and "Woo Woo"  and takin cabs to Showcases boyfriends place and then we get there we find out that that Showcase AIN'T EVEN ALLOWED INTO her boyfriends apartment building cause the security guard dude in the lobby banned her for life because, of course, one night Showcase was with Tina and Tina called the security guard a faggot cause he wouldnt let her smoke in the lobby. Tina need to lay off the faggot thing the same way her momma need to lay off the Jesus.  So we had to sneak into the dudes apartment through a window right off the street while Tina kept look out.  I don't think I like Showcases  boyfriend either cause when Showcase was in the bathroom throwin up, I KNOW I seen him take the bag of catnip and pack some of it in his bowl!   He looked at ME and said like "this is great weed" but I SEEN a cartoon picture of a Siamese Cat on the bag.  If dude don't wanna share his weed he should just NOT share instead of packin a bowl full of shit that just gonna make Showcase puke some more. They shady.

Merry Christinamas

Girl, do you remember that time that me and you and Casey and Tina was in that big park and Tina threw her lit cigarette into that pile of dead leaves and we TOLD HER that she could burn down the park by doin that and then the park burned down and WE TOLD HER that we told her so but she just gave us the finger?  Well you'd THINK that she'd learn her lesson but she don't never stop not learning her lesson.  Cause the other night I was walkin home with Tina after we finished shoppin and shopliftin at Macys and Tina threw her cigarette down on the ground without stompin it out and like a SECOND later this skinny little, ugly little, high voiced, little, ugly....i said ugly twice cause, well, you know she was ugly,  this ugly bitch come up to Tina and get in her face POINTIN that cigarette at Tina and start yellin at Tina how she dont need to be throwin her lit cigarettes on the ground cause that might make all of San Francisco burn down.  She all Drama and shit.   And Tina start to yell "SHOW AND TELL BITCH"  but then she realized that the bitch WAS showin and tellin with that lit cigarette in her face so Tina just grab the cigarette and and put it out on that bitches forehead!!!  It was nasty!  Tina started puttin the cigarette out on the bitches head and switched from "Show and Tell Bitch" to "Hide and Seek Bitch", which is what that bitch did.  She hid.  But I THINK that Tina learned a lesson from that cause today we was out doin our last minute Christmas shoplifting and right before we went into this store Tina took her cigarette and put it into one of them red Salvation Army buckets that they got outside the store to collect donations.  She thought it was a ashtray!!!  She dont know.  She just tryin to have arson awareness but she ended up settin the bucket and all the money on fire.  We ran as fast as we could down to the bar.  It don't stop. 

ANYWAY...Tina got you somethin for Christmas and I don't know if you got HER anything so I'm just sayin that if you DIDNT get her anything then you should just not answer your phone if she calls you today and then go to Walgreens on Friday and get her a Whitmans Sampler or something cause she spent about $9 on your present, which I already know ain't gonna fit you.  (It's a shirt).  Anyway, I need to go to bed cause I'm goin to Mary's for her Christmas Mimosa breakfast and I don't want to be all tired.  Merry Christmas!!!!!!!! 

Tina bought a car

Please do not sit there reading this actin like you ain't even heard, cause I already heard that you heard and I heard it from two different people, so dont CALL me when you done readin this and say ain't no one already told you.  Can you believe Tina was gonna spraypaint a pigeon green and try to get the reward for that parrot?  Well I can believe it cause I been down at 850 Bryant for 3 hours gettin her out of jail and tryin to convince the lady at the bail window that  that's just how Tina get when she get her period.  I mean I didn't SAY that Tina always spray painting pigeons green, I just said that when she on her period that she always lookin for a quick dollar.  You know how she get.  But what the fuck was she thinkin when she went in the hardware store and ask the guy what kind of paint she should use if she wanted to paint a pigeon from off the street to make it look like a parrot so she could get a reward.  Sometimes she just need to cut her sentence short.  Why she just don't ask for parrot green spraypaint?  She so stupid sometimes.  But she TOLD the dude she wanted to spray paint a pigeon and I guess they got some kind of rule there that when you say you gonna paint a pigeon then they gotta call the police.  Like there ain't bigger crimes goin on at the hardware store.  Shakey could go in there and ask for two pounds of fertilizer, some kerosene and a lighter and no one would ask any questions...cause that's what he did when he blew up Fortune's momma's car.  All I'm sayin is that Shakey didn't go in there and say "I'm gonna blow up Fortune's momma's car, what do I need?"  You know?  The dude at the store probly just thought Shakey was growin some tomatoes, havin a cook out and wanted to light his cigarette.  But you know Tina...she want EVERYONE to see how smart she is.  She don't stop.

Anyway, as soon as I got Tina out of jail she made me take her over to Crystal's place to pick up that car that she bought off of Crystal's brother.  And I TOLD her that no car that cost $400 was gonna be any good and I was RIGHT cause when Tina tried to get the car out of the parkin lot she found out that the car DON'T GO in reverse.  But Crystal's brother didn't tell Tina that, he just said that the car was sold "As Is".  So me and Tina was in the car and Tina was tryin to back out and the car wouldn't do it and she tried for like 15 minutes so she call Crystal's

 brother and ask him like what the fuck and shit and he tell her that the car only go forward and that's why it so cheap.  Tina got PISSED.  And I TRIED to tell her to stay calm since she just got out a jail and all but Tina put the car in forward and drove over that little cement island at Crystal's apartment buildings parking lot and knocked over them new trees they just planted then she rammed into Crystal's brothers car.  She WANTED to ram into it, back up, ram again, back up, ram again, back and ram, back and ram, but she FORGOT that the car don't do back so she just RAM real hard then we just sit there. And then the horn on Crystal's brothers car started honkin and didn't stop and then the horn on the car Tina bought started goin off and YOU KNOW how I hate car horns so I just left.  Did she call you?

Tina try to get a reward

I swear girl, it don't stop!  And sometimes you think it do stop and sit down on a chair and eat some chips, THEN like a minute later your cell phone ringing and it's Tina.  And as soon as you see Tina's name come up, you KNOW that it stopped stoppin.  There it goes.  It don't  NEVER stop for long. 

 

Well, the other day me and Tina was down havin lunch at Sparky's cause her friend LuLu work there now and she never charge Tina for shit AND she let Tina steal one of  the highchairs for the baby. Now they only got one highchair at Sparky's so you better call your sister and let her know that she can't bring the twins there til they get a new one.  I know she like to go there.  So when we was leaving Tina seen this poster "REWARD $200".  And she ain't had no money since that day she worked at Bibbie's so she thinkin she gonna get rich quick with the reward money. You know Tina.  Did I already tell you this story?   Wit the lost parrot?  I know WHAT I NEED to tell you..........Fortune gonna name her baby Felatio if it a boy.  Tina told me.  And YES i asked Tina if Fortune even knew what it meant. She said she don't care becuase MOST PEOPLE don't know what it mean. And she think it sounds exotic.  Greek or some shit.  For that baby's sake I hope she have a girl.  But me and Tina walked by that reward poster and Tina grabbed it down off the wall and she seen a picture of a parrot on it.  And Tina say real loud "WHO PAY $200 FOR A BIRD!? Show and Tell, bitch!  Show and Tell!"  She always say it twice.  And now she pokes people in the chest when she say it.  She TRIED pokin me and I bent down and bit her finger.  I hate bein poked. Anyway, Tina kept the

 poster and she say she "gonna find the rabbit, I mean parrot."  How is she gonna catch a fuckin parrot?  Alive? 

Shakey got food poisoning from that Chinese steamtable place.  He shit his pants on the Muni.  I just told you that cause now everyone wanna start callin him Stinky. He said he think it was the pork cause that what he could taste the most of when he threw up.  Julie say she aint never been sick from there.  I got sick and I didnt even eat anything.  Hold on.....

SO......hold on

THIS.......fuck, hold on

I KNOW YOU HEARD BY NOW , since I already just got 4 phone calls.  And I know that I should shut down my computer and go get her ass out of jail AGAIN but this is what I mean by when I say sometime's it hard to be Tina's best friend.  Now I gotta go get her and take two busses that hardly even come on Sunday and go to the jail and claim her.  I have to ADMIT to some stranger at the police station that the lady arrested for attempted animal cruelty is my friend.  It don't stop.  She lucky her bail is only $50.  I'll call you later.

Ketchup

You know how when we go out to nice restaurants Tina always steal the bottle of ketchup?  Or she steal the salt and pepper?. Or the napkins?  Or them nutcrackers and little forks that she SAY she got at Target but  that I KNOW she stole from Joe's Crab Shack?.  Or whatever, she a thief.  Well the other night me and Tina was out to dinner at Bus Stop Burger on Divis and I don't know if you been to Bus Stop Burger ever since that night Fortune's sister stabbed your friend but I think they got a new owner now cause they got all these new steak sauces in bottles that they keep on the table. You know how they usally just got A1 and Heinz 57? Well now they got all kinds of shit and they got shit you can't even get at the Safeway.  I aint kiddin.

Well, you know Tina and her giant purse.  They don't stop! Tina wasnt even done half her burger and she already had like 6 of them sauces in her bag INCLUDING the hot sauce which she KNOW I always use.  And you know her rule.  Once she put it in her bag, she dont take it back out. So she make ME get up to get another hot sauce off another table and the MANAGER walk over to me and ask me if I had something wrong with me.  I think he thought I was stealin tips or eatin peoples leftovers cause I DID pick up someones uneaten half a burger off the table but I was just lookin to see what they had on it.  You know I aint gonna eat that shit.  So I put down the burger and told him I just need some hot sauce cause we didnt have none on our table and I was real nice when I said it but he look over at mine and Tinas table and start yellin at Tina about how he KNOW all 13 sauces was there when we sat down!  He didnt ask no questions, he just started yellin at Tina. 

 And you know how Tina dont like to be yelled at.  She spit her burger into her hand and threw it right at the dudes head.  Some of it hit him in the neck but most of it missed and splattered 

on the front window.  So Tina stand up and start yellin "You Got Video??!!  Well SHOW AND TELL bitch", 

and I dont know if I told you but Tina sayin that all the time now.  Everything all "Show and Tell, Show and Tell!"  It dont make no sense a lot of time.  Anyway, we aint allowed back in there no more but Tina did say she wants to have a steak party at her house and she said you could come if you brought some steak.  I'm just sayin its somethin to think about.