I DON'T CARE!

LOOK... I DON'T CARE what happen last year. I DON'T CARE about none of it. I mean, at the TIME it bottered me but then my new girl Fleece say "Girl, you don't got to care about none of that no more", so I DON'T CARE. Don't care bout all them lies that Tina told on all them different times, don't care whose dick Showcase sucked, and I don't even care if the right baby is with the right mama, as long as ONE baby is with ONE mamma. This is a new YEAR, and I don't know if you know BUT it is a new DECADE and I ain't got no time for no stupid shit in the new decade. And I'm gonna TELL that to Tina if she don't shut the fuck up about her possessed bedroom. Girl, did I tell you this already cause I don't think I did but I think I told it to Showcase but that was face to face. I guess I didn't tell you.

Well the other night Tina rent that scary movie Paratrooper Activity about them people with the possessed bedroom. Or maybe the whole house is possessed. I don't know cause I ain't seen it and I don't WANT to see it because I have SEEN Tina and Shakey's sex tape and THAT is the scariest shit ever caught on film in a bedroom. You seen it? I think it's on the internet. There a version of it on You Tube but they blurred out Shakey's dick... and the toys. Anyway, Teen calls me after she done watching Paralegal Activity and she all SCREAMING into the phone and she like HELP! HELP! And who KNOW what that mean with Tina. I'm just sayin, it could mean that she need a dollar for some lipstick OR that the baby on fire again. So Tina screaming and screaming and then she drop her phone and I still hear her screaming so I lit a cigarette and she STILL screaming, not saying anything about WHY she screaming, so I hung up and called 911 and I said "You need to send someone to Tina's".

Well that bitch smoked some weed and watch that movie ALONE in the DARK and each time she get more scared she hit more on the pipe and by the end of the movie where some shit fly out or something, Tina say that the shit fly OUT of her TV and into her

bedroom. I TOLD HER to get the shit that don't make her paranoid but she say that paranoia is fun. Unless you are ME and you got to call 911 on your crazy friend because she's screaming and won't say why. Well that whacked out huffer grab that baseball bat she got under her sofa and she start screaming and charging into the bedroom swinging that bat around breaking all her lamps and mirrors AND that vase with the dead flowers and the nasty fly water in it. She say she kept swinging the bat til she got the thing trapped in her bedroom closet. That's when she call me screaming and I call 911. Tina SAY that the 911 guys got the demon out but they didn't give her anything for her nerves. Now she think that the demon went in there and had babies and left them in the closet. She don't stop.

It Positively Got To Be There Overnight

Well as sure as shit falls from your ass, Fortune do something today that make me wonder if all them times she say "Damn girl, so and so fucked my brains out last night", if maybe her brains really do get fucked out of her.  I mean just because that bitch ain't got enough common sense to reach up into the front seat to get a condom out the glove compartment when she gettin some in the backseat, don't mean she can't have enough sense to SAY the right thing when she trying to get her baby back from the Children's Protective Service agents.  It ain't bad enough that I got to pick Tina up at the Greyhound station tomorrow and act like she ain't a lying bitch about the whole Beyonce thing, now I got to help Fortune and her sorry, blind ass get her baby back.  I am serious when I say that I wish she could find a dude to fuck her brains back into her.

Anyway, the Children's Protective Service agents was being REAL NICE and REAL SORRY to Fortune for all the mix up and all the shit that happen when they take HER baby instead of

Tina's baby and they put the whole baby return shit on the fast track and they ask Fortune if she could come down to New Mexico on Friday to pick up the baby.  Well that sightless ass tell them she can't make 

it on Friday and can't they just FED-EX the baby to her on a overnight flight!  How that bitch think a baby could survive a overnight flight in a box? Any SANE person know she need to have the baby sent Same Day Air!  So NOW the Children's Protective Peoples is wondering if Fortune is really fit to have a baby!  I'll get back to you about what happens....Fortune want me to meet at at the bar  at two o'clock and help her figure things out.

UNHHHHHHH UNHHHHHHHHHH!

You remember how Fortune used to wear them big thick glasses that make her face look like she got two glass igloos resting on her nose and her eyes look like giant bowling balls shooting out her head?  And you always say "Damn Fortune, I bet you can see through a brick wall with them things!", even though that joke got TIRED after the 87th time you say it. Well you know how one day she just stop wearing the glasses and she SAY she start wearin contacts but then she start bumpin into shit all the time and then she ran over that dude on the bike with her car and took off without stoppin?  Well that bitch need to find them glasses again and put them back on her face cause she either blind or she as stupid as Shakey's sperm.

Anyway, I'm just sayin that cause you remember I told you how Tina's baby got shipped off to New Mexico after we thought Tina was dead?  Well before the baby got shipped off, Fortune

 was "takin care of it" and YES maybe that wasn't no good idea and YES it was a nightmare. Well now that Tina coming back Fortune say she gonna let Tina stay with her for a bit while she readjust to life outside the carnival world.  So Fortune start cleaning up her nasty apartment, and YES I DID ask her if she threw away that container of chinese food from Giant Panda that been sittin on her counter since April growing shit in it and SHE SAY she did but it would not surprise me if that shit still sittin there and still growing.  But that ain't even what I'm talking about.  

 

So Fortune call me 30 minutes ago and she all in a panic and she crying about her baby and she hypo-ventalating and screaming and I couldn't understand most of what she sayin so I told her to calm the fuck down, shut the fuck up and call me back in 5 minutes.  So she call me 4 

minutes later and she say she realize when she was cleaning the house that when the Childrens Protective Service peoples came by to get Tina's baby THREE WEEKS AGO that she gave them HER baby instead!  And that bitch didn't even notice until TODAY!  Now it's true that Tina's baby and Fortunes baby do have some similar features, probably cause them babies created by the same dick... don't even tell no one I said that....but Tina's "baby" is three years old.  How do Fortune think that HER three month old baby is up and walking and doing the dishes? I should have known something was up when I called her and her baby answered the phone.  I'll let you know what happens.

Girl, I fucked up, Tina AIN'T Dead!

\
Well I guess there still a chance that Tina can pay you back that $37 you was bitching about after you hear that she dead cause she ain't dead.  But from what I hear she pissed that everyone thought she was dead and then just got on with their lives even though her body was never found.  She don't stop.  But answer me THIS... how she expect everyone to think she AIN'T dead after she just leave her baby in the cereal aisle of Foods Co and then just disappear for two months? Tina KNOW and WE KNOW that people don't just disappear... people either get buried in the woods or dropped into deep water.  I mean SOMETIMES people get burned in dumpsters or shot in the back of the head execution style and left in a parking lot, but most of the time they just buried in the woods til a dog or a rabid squirrel uncover them and drag them out piece by piece.  Remember that time Showcase found her dog playing with her cousin's hand?  I'm just saying.  I just don't know how Tina think we could think anything else except that she was dead.  She got no logic. All I know is that I ain't giving back that microwave I took from her apartment when we was all dividing up her shit.

Anyway, Mary say that Tina call her last Tuesday and Tina say she ain't been able to call cause she she got a job as a backup dancer on Beyonce's tour and Beyonce don't let none of her backup bitches have no cell phone.  YES SHE DID! That bitch has GOT TO BE huffin again cause she think that we all gonna believe that even though Showcase seen the Beyonce tour and she didn't see no Tina.  

It don't stop there.  Shakey said he was down in Sacramento on "business" the day after Tina call Mary and he say that he seen Tina working the ferris wheel at a school carnival.  What the fuck do Tina know about working a ferris wheel?  YOU KNOW that bitch used to go to carnivals just to chuck rocks at people and babies circling around on ferris wheels.  I'm just hoping that she didn't have to help put that shit together cause I seen shit on the TV where they say that most carnival workers only use 60% of the nuts and bolts it takes to build a ride and YOU KNOW if Tina was putting it together she only use like 30% and some scotch tape she pick off of old wrapping paper from two Christmases ago.  I mean, you seen the way she put jigsaw puzzles together with staplers and shit.

So, Tina coming back home next week.  She don't know that her baby living in New Mexico and I hope I ain't the one who have to tell her.  We'll see.

Oh, Hey Girl!

I am JUST askin and I AINT sayin but what the fuck runnin shit do I have do to make sure that Fortune remember that she even HAVE a baby.  She as bad as Tina.  There somethin I wanted to tell you about Tina... can't remember what it is now. I'll think of it.   Anyway, Fortune call me and say "Hey girl I need you to CALL me at SEVEN in the MORNING and make sure my ass get up for the baby" You know, cause she need to feed it and shit.  And SHE KNOW that I ain't even up at seven and I don't even get up before The View come on.  That bitch actin like she can't even set no clock.  Wellllllll...maybe she AIN'T able to do that.

Fortune keep runnin off all over the place, she go to Fresno and Sacramento on Monday and Wednesday and next week she say she goin to Union City on Saturday and YOU KNOW she party when she there, but she keep leavin the baby with me sayin she be back on Monday, and YOU KNOW that she ain't even gonna come back til Tuesday and she KNOW that if she come home any later than 12 noon on Tuesday then that baby gonna be on its own cause I got a standing one o'clock appointment at Bibbies on Tuesday and YOU KNOW I ain't giving that shit up. Fortune doin the whole Immaculate Conception tour, doing preaching on street corners,  sayin how no man ain't never fucked her for a long time and that she have the biggest miracle baby since Mary had that baby.   she SAY that people believe it but she

 say she don't want to EXPLOIT the baby yet so she gonna wait til she four months old to put her in front of cameras.  That's just how she think.  Cause you shouldn't be in front of cameras from the time you were born.  And I don't know if I told you but Fortune name her baby after  Tina's middle name, Cher.  Damn, it was SOMETHIN about Tina that I wanted to tell you about.  I can't remember.

Mary call me today from Dolores Park durin that big, gay party and she say she seen Shakey's younger brother Stable rollin around with some dude on a pink blanket sprayin water on each other.  I'm just sayin.  They could have been suckin each others dicks and THAT would have been just as gay, but maybe even not!  Stable always had such pretty girls with him. 

I need to go, there a conclusion of Deal or No Deal on at 9AM on GSN, and I need to make sure I get up in time.  This bitch either gonna win $2 or $750, 000.  Them cable bitches took my TIVO away, so I need to be awake.

I'll call you tomorrow

TINA IS DEAD!

And I don't mean "Tina is dead" the way I meant it when I found out she ate that last piece of chocolate from my Whitman's Sampler OR the way I meant it when I found out she sucked every dick I sucked AT THE SAME TIME I was sucking it.  Well, not at the SAME TIME but DURING the time I was sucking it.   ANYWAY, Tina died.  That's all I know right now.  She dead.  And there a chance that she was huffing shit at Bibbie's the afternoon she died but that is just a rumor and YOU KNOW I aint into rumors.  But I got TWO calls about how Tina ain't with the living no more.  God rest her nasty soul.  I'll get back to you with details.

(Un)Fortune(ate)

Oh Girl sometime I wish I live in North Dakota with you cause then I wouldn't have to put up with no insane in the dumb brain shit that I gotta put up with since Fortune have that baby. I think the hospital or Facebook should have made her take a "are you ready to be a parent" test or some test that tests your parenting before they release her into the wild.   I'm just sayin, FOUR DAYS after she have the baby......  they got that big earring convention in Sacramento that Fortune go to every year.  And I THOUGHT that maybe she just say fuck it and not go cause she just had that baby AND because she didn't say nothin ABOUT goin.  And YOU KNOW she wake up that mornin and say "Hey bitch you gotta look out for my baby cause i'm goin to the earring convention."  And then she went!  And AT FIRST I thought it would be alright..4 day old baby for 6 hours,  but then i remember... and YOU KNOW what I'm talkin about... Fortune hook up with some dude EVERY year at the earring convention!!!  That bitch stick me with that baby for a day and a half!!!  I dropped it off at Tina's and let Tina's baby play with it.  I think they had fun.  

Anyway, I don't remember if I told you but Fortune never ended up cuttin off Jimmy Doolittle's

balls. I guess she couldn't get at his balls so she just stab him twice in the stomach instead. And I thought I fuckin piss myself into a coma when they was wheelin her out of the hospital and that petal head come walkin up like he even care he the baby daddy OR he a day late, OR that maybe there a chance that Fortune aint gonna be pissed. And right as Fortune seen him she take out that knife that Julie give her for her baby shower and stab him twice in the stomach.  Girl, knife in one hand, baby in the other...and the wheelchair never stopped moving!  That bitch stabbed Jimmy twice as the nurse was wheeling her out and that nurse never even seen it.  YOU KNOW Fortune good with a knife!!!  I just look  back and laugh at him.  

Fortune say she still gonna stick with that Immaculate Conception story and maybe call People Magazine in the morning but I think that she ain't gonna look very angelic once people find out she stab Jimmy Doolittle.  Cause YOU KNOW he gonna tell.