This Is The Bitch (PART TWO)

Girl, you missed it and you missed ALL of it AND the champagne from Trader Joes AND the chance to do ANYTHING you wanted with Mary's brother Wylie cause he was up for doin ANYTHING with ANY bitch that wanna do ANYTHING with him at Tina's birthday party.  And I KNOW there's shit you wanna do with him cause you told me you did.  I'm just sayin that if someone needed to piss at Tina's party then they had to piss in the alley next to her house cause Wylie was fuckin every bitch at the party in the bathroom.  I pissed on my shoes....twice.   But that ain't even what I'm talkin about.

I'll call you and TELL you all the details from the party but girl I needed to SHOW you this.  You remember that bitch who threw a penny at my head a couple a months ago at the bar?  Well me and Showcase was walkin back to her place after Tina's party and we was all drunk and laughing and yellin shit about Wylie, and Showcase smashed in a car window the way she do, and THEN we walkin up Divis and we hear this CRYIN in the street.....it was like "MAMMA  mamma help me. !!!  I can't get up....HELP ME BITCHES!".....or SOMETHIN like that.  And I look down and it's that bitch who threw a penny at my head!!  And she FALLIN OUT of a baby stroller.  That bitch so drunk, she think she a baby or some shit.  What the fuck that bitch doin in a baby stroller at three in the morning?  And why the fuck that bitch asking for MY help.  I said "GIRL..." and then I couldn't think of nothin else to say so I just took out my camera and took her picture.  Then Showcase spit her gum in the bitches hair.  Like I said, I'll call you.

Don't Bother

Well, even though you ain't comin, we still got everything set for Tina's surprise party on the 28th...INCLUDING 6 bottles of champagne that I got from Trader Joes that you ain't even gonna have none of cause you a promise breaker.  I thought that maybe I get over you sayin you not comin but girl I ain't over you sayin you not comin.   I'm just...well, YOU KNOW,...sayin.  Mary and Nancy got all the decorations, and Julie thought it be funny if we got Shakey to do a stripper dance when he dressed like a cop but I said ain't nothin funny about a guy in a cop uniform being THAT CLOSE to Tina at a time like this.  Don't matter if it Skakey or not.  If she see a cop uniform, she either gonna run or shoot.  And I don't want to see neither.  

I'm Just Sayin

PLEASE, correctify me if I am wrong, but didn't you say you was gonna fly back here on the 28th for Tina's birthday?  Well I DON'T KNOW why I got a message on my phone tonight saying that YOU WASN'T flyin back on the 28th for Tina's birthday.  Cause I just remember huggin you at the metal detectors at the airport when you left and YOU sayin "See you on the 28th of April for Tina's birthday" and that is the LAST memory I got of you.  I'm just sayin, it ain't right.  And I can't even tell Tina that you ain't comin for her PARTY cause it a SURPRISE party and I can't be saying "That bitch ain't comin to your surprise party, Teen".  You don't stop.  And don't give me no shit about no excuse cause I KNOW you ain't workin and you STILL got money from that scratcher ticket you won on.  I can't even tell Fortune cause she so hormonal that she probly go into fake labor again.  I'm just sayin.

Jimmy Doolittle, Baby Daddy

Girl, do you remember Showcase's friend Jimmy Doolittle?  He that dude with that red Corvette that always wanna take every bitch he see ridin in his car and then you go ridin in his car and then he pull his dick out after about four blocks of drivin.  I went ridin wit him like 6 times and EVERYTIME it was the same thing....by the time we hit Divis, he had it out and was 

bangin it against the steering wheel.  He'd start honking the horn with his dick to get my attention.   You ever go riding with him?  I don't know if you did but if you did then you would KNOW that he could steer that car AND get shit out of the glove compartment with his dick!  I seen it and I'm pretty sure you seen it too, but I don't know for sure so I ain't even just sayin.  

Anyway, Showcase say that Jimmy Doolittle might be Fortune's Baby Baby Daddy Daddy even though Fortune keep sayin that it's a Immaculate Conception. Did you hear about that shit? Fortune say that she ain't even been with nobody that she remember about for months around the time the kid was conceived and she say she havin some kind of "special" baby.  You KNOW 

it is!  That bitch just tryin to pimp out her baby before it even born.  She say she gonna do talk shows and that she ain't gonna act like a crazy bitch like the Octomom.  Alright, Fortune.  You ain't got fucked but you havin a baby.  You don't sound like no crazy bitch.  That happen all the time.  She don't stop.

But I'm just sayin that Showcase say she watch that TV show "Busted on the Job" and she say she see a tape on there of this bitch who look like Fortune doin it with this dude who look like Jimmy Doolittle in the break room where he work.  And it was dated from August.  I'm gonna see if there a video on You Tube tonight.

NEXXXXXXXXXT!

Girl, I want you to count in your mind all the times you remember Tina havin 911 call on her.  And now take that total and add one more.  And if your total ain't over 48 then your memory goin cause I got 67 times on my list, and YOU KNOW that I black out a lot so YOU KNOW it even higher than that.  I'm just saying that ONCE AGAIN when Tina should be actin all DL she need to feel like she need to get up in someone's face and make a scene and then have 911 called on her even when it don't even make no sense why she do it.  It ain't just me, is it?

Anyway, me and Tina went down to Giant Panda in the mall today and Tina order some shrimp a la mode or SOME Chinese shrimp shit that I don't never eat, but Tina order and she tell the

bitch at the counter that she want EXTRA shrimp...and she really did cause I heard her.  So the bitch ring her up and CHARGE her for the shrimp and YOU KNOW when that plate come out Tina open that box and count all them shrimps...1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6....and she didn't even get ONE extra shrimp even though that bitch charge her for 6 extra shrimps, and YOU know if Tina spendin two dollars extra on a meal she gonna make sure she get her money worth.  And Tina start screamin the way Tina start screamin "Where my extra shrimp bitch?!  Show and tell bitch, cause them extra shrimps I paid for is playin hide and seek.!"  I ain't kiddin...she talk all the time now in them phrases she make up.    Well you know how Tina get when she get ripped off.  She start sharpenin and pokin her chopsticks around in the bitches face and tellin that bitch workin there that she need to learn how to COUNT before she try takin her next job or there could be REAL trouble.  And YOU KNOW how sensative workin 

bitches are now...she take it as a threat, even though that's just the way Tina talk.  At the point anyway, THAT BITCH call 911 and start yellin 

about terroristic threats and shit and how she feel threatened by the shrimp bitch....she blew it all out of size and she didn't stop.  So the bitch hang up the phone with the 911 and come back over to us and tell Tina that the 911 is on their way and Tina look at her and say "NOW  WHAT?!?!?!....", like she ain't even scared.   That bitch is too much cause YOU KNOW if she even get picked up for spittin, she gonna be in jail for 20 years.  She just test people.  Tina just look at the bitch... then she just turn her head, slap down her hand on the counter, and yell real loud into the food court..."NEXT!!!!!!!!"  Tina know it take the cops like 7 minutes to get to a food court...she just fuckin with people.  

EARTHQUAKE!

Girl, I do not know if you could feel the earthquake we had here today all the way out in North Dakota but I am just sayin that it felt TO ME like you probly COULD feel it cause that shit shook my walls and almost knock down that vase I got from Valentines 2004, and YOU KNOW I'd start lightin shit on fire if anything ever happen to that vase.  Tina's baby almost knock down that vase one time and I make Tina take the baby home.  I shouldn't need to Super Glue my true love vase down to the table just cause Tina can't keep her baby down.  

Tina say she was at Fortune's when that earthquake hit and as soon as the walls start shakin, Fortune start actin like she in labor.  She callin 911...Yellin how "I'm stuck in a  Earthquake and I'm HAVIN MY BABY." And YOU KNOW She just thinkin she gonna have the first  "quake baby" or have her 911 tape played on Inside Edition or somethin and make money off it.  She don't stop.  I think the hospital is gettin pissed at her for comin in with so many fake labor stories and they SHOULD be pissed cause YOU KNOW they got more important shit to deal with like OD's, stabbings and people puking up blood on their shoes!  But that ain't how Fortune think.  I think the hospital should have a big poster of Fortune hanging up that say "I ain't due til May 19th..."  They should have a little countdown calendar there so they know EXACTLY how many days they got til they gotta REALLY put up wit that bitch when she in labor.  I HOPE she is filmin that shit and that she is filming ALL that shit and when she release it to theaters she don't even cut one second from it cause it is gonna be the best movie of the year and win a Oscar.  I'm just sayin.

Tina don't work at the Old Rust no  more.  Remember I told you how I thought that other bitch who work there piss in my drink and turn my Hypnotiq green?  Well I guess that put some idea in Tina's head cause the other day she had these bitches piss her off and YOU KNOW that usually she just spit in the drinks, but she take the tray right in the bathroom and she piss in their drinks!  But she so nasty about it...she take four pints of beer in the bathroom and she don't just piss a bit on them, she piss SO HARD into all four glasses that when she bring the tray back to the table, all the glasses got steam coming out of them!! She need to learn some tact when she piss in people's drinks.  I'm surprised she last two weeks...especially after that thing with that dude's camera that I didn't even tell you about and I ain't gonna right now either.  Ask me about it.  Anyway they fire her.

And I GUESS the MUNI people are still lookin for her and she is STILL wearin Chrystal's wig and I meant to tell you that Chrystal got a new BLACK wig and it don't go no better with her skin than that purple one.  She need a wig advisor or something.   But Shakey say he heard from his friend at 850 Bryant that a lot of evidence was lost in that earthquake and they might not have a case.  Tina so lucky all the time.  

Tina and Crystal...

Girl, you know that purple wig that Crystal always wear that she always think look natural but everyone else just say "What the fuck that on your head Crystal'?  Well right after Tina's wanted posters started get hung up on the MUNI underground Tina went over to Crystal's place and tell her that she need to borrow her wig for "protection".   Have you ever seen Tina in that wig?  She look JUST AS GOOD as Crystal do in that wig.  Meaning she look like she hear a dog barkin real loud somewhere while she get hit upside the head with a lawn chair.  I DO NOT understand why everything in Crystal's life need to be purple.  I KNOW that YOU KNOW what I'm saying.  Why Crystal still even wear that wig?  She bought it for $5, five years ago. Let it go Crystal cause we are tired of it. But that even what I'm talkin about.

ANYWAY, I don't think I told you that Tina FINALLY got a job.  You know that bitch down at the Old Rust doin cocktails who take that whole tray of drinks AND my Hypnotiq in the bathroom that time?  Well she beat the shit out of this other bitch workin there who was stealin her tips and that bitch ain't able to work no more for a few months so they need a replacement and she get Tina the job.  That's why Tina need the wig so bad.   YOU KNOW that a lot of people who ride MUNI go to the Old Rust and she don't need to take no chances.  I heard she gonna wear glasses too.  I love when Tina wear glasses.  That's when you know she fuck anyone.